Friendships

[Sallypuss]

I feel really childish for posting this but anyway....

As background, I moved to London/South East from Yorkshire in 1998 with work. Met and married DH and then had DD in November last year. Since having DD, I've developed a real need for friendship. I have about 4 people I consider real friends (I class this as those people who know me really well and who I could call at 3am) most of whom live at least 2 hours drive away and, as I result I don't see them that often. I have plenty of acquaintances through work etc but don't feel I've any true friends locally (work is 1.5hrs away from home). I joined the NCT before DD was born and whilst I was on maternity leave saw the ladies from my antenatal group regularly. I'm back at work now and really miss the friendship of the group. Of the five women in the group, I'd really like to stay in touch with one of the women in particular. A couple of the women meet up separately from the group and I can't help feeling a little jealous that no-one wants to meet up with me on that basis - pathetic and childish I know. I am by no means shy but I know I can come across as a little bit reserved (my FIL went so far to describe me as 'cold'!) but it really isn't intentional.

This need for friendship has really taken me by surprise as before I had DD, I was completely happy being an independent spirit.

How do you go about making friends when you're mid to late 30's?

God what an epic post - but it's a subject I feel strongly about

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ds - some fabulous tips there. I really struggle with friendships because I can come across as a bit of a cold fish, too, plus I work full time so I can't do the after school schmoozing and socialising (plus I'm KNACKERED so much of the time). I know I ought to be a better friend; it sounds like I need to have a better plan - get organised and take myself out of my comfort zone.

Thanks.

Sally - Huddersfield is one of the few Yorkshire places I haven't lived.

Oh how I love Mumsnet

Great tips domesticslattern. Sounds like you're a girl after my own heart on the making a plan front.

How weird...I'm from West Yorkshire and now live in the SE, and finding chums is like going on dates, innit.
The playdate ends, and neither of you wants to be the one suggesting a re-run.
Just grab the bull and go for it. It's a numbers game, brace yourself for SOME rejection, and bask in SOME acceptance.
However, we have a lot of American/south African/Aussie/Canadian chums, as I've always found them easier to be direct with....like "Do you want ter bi me friend, then?"

I initially met up with the ante-natal group but found I was always pleased if I had an excuse not to go. I realised they were never going to become proper friends as we were poles apart.

I went on to make friends through mumsnet meet ups and at our local toddler group. It took someone like domesticslattern to get us together outside the weekly meeting, but once we had that was it.

And now at the school gates I've made some more as well.

I think for me, arranging to go out for the night without children was what made the difference. It meant we could really get to know each other properly without having to stop every few seconds to deal with a child .

Hi sally - not childish at all to want friends! They are essential.

Don't know if you're actually in London but there is a new MN RL bookclub which has just started - next meeting July 16th in Royal Festival Hall. Thread

Come along! Send me a CAT and I'll add you to the list

Domestic lantern - that post is brilliant. I am going to start doing as many of those things as possible.

Also I have made a friend from MN and another well known mums forum that I wont mention, but advertised for mums speaking my second language so that I could expose my children to it more and now we havent met yet but are friends on FB and are having a night out in Jan.

I've found organising things with the mums from the DCs nursery a great way to make new friends. We started out with kid stuff such as going to the park or the Peter Pan thing in Hyde Park, and we now do non kids things and meet for drinks.

Same with my last NCT class. Now we're all back at work we meet for dinner and a drink in the evening. Only about once a quarter but that's enough for me.

Just a possibility - does dd's nursery have a parent group that meets up?

Join a book club?

It's nice in a way not to be so self-sufficient and need friends, I think it's interesting to meet new people. Is there anybody at work you would like to develop a friendship with?

Sallypuss, I am sorry I only read your OP! You have already thought of the book club idea. I'm always doing that, just reading the OP!

I am thinking of starting a book club during the day round my way.

Hi, DH and I relocated a few years ago, again moving from the North to the South East.

I would say I'm still a long way off feeling totally settled here, but, with a lot of effort, I can see that I have made progress over the years.

Again, I would say quite a few of my friends have come through work, which I know doesn't help if you live an hour and a half away.

I also found going to an evening class a bit of a help. I met one friend who has been a really good friend to me and took me under her wing, we were both quite shy but when we overcame that we summed up the courage to agree a lunch date.

I've made a real effort to nurture contacts with people that I liked, organising things regularly (but hopefully not too regularly) so that they slowly grow into friendships.

I think it just takes an awful lot of time and effort to be honest. but it was a bit of a shock to me that down South very few people will 'take you under their wing' when they learn you're new to an area. I regularly made new friendships when I lived up north by making a really effort get to know people who were new to the area and encouraging them to come out with my group of friends...

Wierdly I'm also from Yorkshire and Living in SE. A couple of years ago I could have said exactly the same thing that you are. However after some life coaching (which helped to improve my self confidence) I decided to put myself out there.

I don't know about you but I used to worry that people would find me boring or needy or stalkerish if I tried to follow up friendships with them. In fact they really don't (and would you actually WANT to be friends with someone who said they already had enough friends). All you need to do is make one friend, then either they will introduce you to more people or you can go friend searching together.

Have to confidence to ring the NCT friend you were talking about and arrange a night out or weekend trip to the park. I bet that's it's not that they don't want to meet up with you it's just that they know you work full time.

Oh my goodness, this is like the thread I've been searching of for ages, I totaly feel the same; presentable, friendly and happy but lonely. Isn't it odd? Its re-assuring its not just me...open to suggesitons, thanks for som etips,i do try locally and I have made some good friends, but its not easy, do men feel the same do you suppose?

I did a stalkerish thing with my neighbour. She moved in a few months after us and I noticed she was pregnant but a little behind me with the pregnancy. When I'd seen the signs that her baby had been born I posted a congrats card through her door with my number on it. She called me and we've been friends ever since.

Sunshine - that is so nice. My neighbour actually has 3 kids so you would think that after 6 years of living next door we would have done more than small talk, like a coffee maybe, although she has offered to let some workmen in to my house whilst we are having a kitchen fitted as she is a SAHM so this may be the opportunity I have been waiting for and I dont really need phone numbers so I wont have that awkwardness, just ask her in for a coffee maybe. So hard as I am so scared of someone not wanting to be my friend but I still have to see them IYSIM

I really feel this too.

I'm a northern girl, and now in the SE...

I felt very isolated after I had DS (now 17 moths) and it's only in the last few weeks (dd is now 3 months) that I feel I have anything approaching a support network!!

I just found that most people hold back for fear of the same thing - but if you make the effort most people are really grateful.

I'm sooooo glad I saw this thread. I feel exactly the same. Nice to know I'm not alone. I'd love to get into some groups, evening classes or the like, but my DH works shifts (he's a paramedic) so between that and working and childcare, it's difficult. I guess I need to stop making excuses and go to what I can.