Soon to be divorsed........AT 19!!!

[islandlassie]

Following gagamamas advise i am starting a new thred

My H left at 2am last night.

low down:
We got married just over a year ago (only celebrated anniversary 9 days ago)
I sometimes (most of the time) put on that our marriage is flawless and yes have done that on here too
He is 29 with 2 boys from a PR
We had our son 8 months ago
We are so similar yet so different and clash very easily
H has had a fair few problems in life, serving about 8 years of it in jail
He is a changed man from the man he was but still has issues
One in my opinion is that he is controlling with me
Last night i thought enough is enough after having asked him to do the dishes 'for me' and a full scale argument blowing out
It settled but after having posted on here about it and me deciding to not put up with it anymore i decided on the advice of an MNer to go out for myself for 24 hours leaving him incharged of DS. Conversation went like this;

Me - H i am gonna go out for a hour 24 hours, you can look after DS, i will not make up bottles or pre prepare meals before i go, you can do it

DH - I hope you are gonna arrange a day of work for me for that

Me - No, it'll be on a saturday or something (My dad is his employer BTW)

DH - NO!! saturday is MY TIME

Me - and when is my time?

DH - You can go anywhere you want, just jump on a bus with the waen and go!

Me - What?! That is not me time if i9 have to takeB with me!! Think about it when do I actually get ME time?

DH - AH! FUCK OFF! FUCK OF! STUPID COW!

And that is it, for the next to hours there is much heated words and H decides he will peddle his bike the 28 miles in the middle of the night to our nearest town to make sure he catches the early ferry.

He says it is because DS shouldnt see the arguing (which he defenately should) But in stead of making a concious effort to change (which he thinks he has - uh, no!) He runs off leaving me with baby (who is ill by the way)

Guess all those people were right, islandlassie has messed it all up yet again, what a loser!

[Doha]

Trying not too out myself but okay what the hell

Mum Harris

Dad Tiree

Uncle Islay

Friend Barra /Lewis and Jura

Not to forget Skye but that is now joined by the bridge

I am glad you have "friends" who you can talk to as you wil know what l mean by the islanders gloating about other peoples misery--they need something to gossip about as there is nothing else to do IYKWIM.

Please don't get me wrong l love the people and the islands but you will be flavour of the montth gossip but they will soon find something else to talk about.

Hold your head up high and smile even if your heart is breaking

We are all here for you

Can you say which island you are on.

[skihorse]

"seems to be an inbuild tradition for these islabnders to revel in others misfortines. I grew up on l told you so"

Holy shit I've never seen anything so true on these boards!

My grandmother had a child "out of wedlock". She was FORCED by the other villagers to walk down the aisle of the church whilst they all spat on her.

[MamaLazarou]

I don't have much to add, islandlassie, but I am sending you lots of love and strength to make the right decisions for you and your son. You don't deserve to be treated badly by your husband, and it's not a sign of weakness or failure to walk out on a bad marriage. I do think your request for more 'me time' could have been slightly less confrontational: perhaps if you and your husband can learn to communicate more effectively there is hope for you. I hope things work out for you x

[islandlassie]

He landed at his mothers and phoned yesterday, saying how sorr he was and all he really was hoping for its that i would have come after him so he could come back.

He says that he wants me to forgive him and that he knows he has not been treating me right and that he desperately wants another chance, can not bare for this to end eetc etc.

Problem is i feel i have lost all trust, he has done things like this too many times and i worry he cant change anymore

What would you do?

On the one hand i want my best frind back but on the other i really dont want his unpredictable eil twin back with him but dont think he will or even can leave him behind.

[frazzledgirl]

I feel for you - this is such a tough one.

I have to say though, that storming off and expecting you to chase after him with a little baby in tow is INCREDIBLY immature and selfish.

Could he stay at his mum's for a while and maybe try some anger counselling or something while you see how it goes?

[MamaLazarou]

Yes, could you keep him at arm's length for a while, and see him on neutral ground until you have built some trust back up again? It's not something you can just get back overnight.

[DrunkenDaisy]

Sorry to hi-jack thread but.....

Hello MamaLazarou!

You know me, I'm your real life friend. Code words: Salvador and Dr Sanchez!

xx

[islandlassie]

I have asked him to stay where he is for the moment, problem is that the neutral ground costs one of us at least 70 pounds and an entire day of travelling to get to.

I have looked up our local councelling services and think this is a good idea myself and he has said he MAY try it. I think it will be a condition of him coming back.

How am i supposed to trust him. I knew he would have many problems when we married but i dodnt think it would be like this.

We always swore that no matter what happened we would always work through it but how i am supposed to help when everytime somethim is getting too difficult for him he treats anyone around him as an enemy to keep his gaurd up against, including me (learned behaviour from his past that i am not convinced he is really aware of)

I feel like my world has turn upside down. I dont want my son to miss out on his dad being around, equally i dont want H to miss out on our son growing up but every time i think that perhaps i should just let him back i just realise how much i dont trust him and am not sure if i can muster up the optomism.

No bother DrunkenDaisy

Thanks for all the help, you dont know how much i need it.

[weegiemum]

Islandlassie - just to say on the whole island situation. I lived in Lewis/Harris for 10 years where my dh had a fairly prominent local role as a GP and it was vile sometimes.

I love being in Glasgow where I am anonymous!

Someone once told me it was like "living in a fishbowl. If you fart everyone says you shat yourself"

Tis true.

Hope things improv e for you.

[islandlassie]

Thats the other thing, He is from the city - can you imagine how difficult it is for him here and that is not helping our situation as he gets very frustrated. Unfortunately leaving is not an option as yet.

[deste]

Weegiemum how long since you left Harris?, my daughter had a friend whose dad was a doctor on Harris. Perhaps he took over from your husband. They used to come to Aberdeen for the holidays.

[MamaLazarou]

Hello drunkendaisy, you beautiful creature! x

[MamaLazarou]

Islandlassie - that's good that he may be up for the counselling. A promising start.

[islandlassie]

I think i am gonna spend the next while talking to him on phone and discuss what in our relationship needs working on (my faults as well as his) and hope we will both get enough time to really think things through and when he comes back i think maybe we should go to counceling together

Have any of you been to relationship counciling? What sort of things are disussed?

[islandlassie]

He cant even stay quietly at his mums while i think things through.

He will be at so called 'friends' houses that he knew before he went to jail probably up to no good.

[weegiemum]

deste - we left 3 years ago. Dh was a GP in Tarbert.

Not sure if either of the doctors there has an Aberdeen connection now, or the other one.

We liked it there, we still have a house there, but we prefer living in the big city - or at least I do, dh isn't sure. Kids prefer it here too!

[islandlassie]

Will i fucking get out of the way so you can all catch up?

Sorry for being a nuisance for fuck sake!

[BFwantsa3some]

Ooops, i dont think they meant to upset you il, and talking like that isnt going to make them want to offer their support, ladies, if you wnt to catch up start a thread, link it to here and let il have her thread for support.

its good you have got out, this made sounds nasty and abusive, you need to get out before that aggression comes through in other ways.

Has he ever hurt you?

[islandlassie]

So sorry ladies at my outburst - had a horrible night last night and wasnt in the best mood - no excuse, Sorry (i swear i never have outbursts like that and it isnt in my personality to do so)

No not physically and he never would. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy most of the time but for many different reasons he seems to have developed another personality. It comes and goes whenever and he has no sense when it is around. IMO it is learned behaviour to protect himself.