not sure where to post this - wondering about my sexuality...

[howtoknow]

[name changer]

I've always found women VERY attractive. Love different parts of the female anatomy and am really drawn to them, think about them while having sex etc etc (I often find myself thinking of having sex with a woman with me as the man but even if not fantasising about being the man in sex I will have thoughts about breasts etc - they are what turn me on, not fantasising about sex WITH man).

am married with two kids. don't have sex much with DH. used to be bothered about this but not so much anymore.

am growing and developing as a woman (am 40 now and on bit of voyage of self-discovery, in very local, limited, non-shirly valentine way ) and am finding that I find most men a bit, well, childish I suppose (of course there are exceptions). Also DH admitted a minor (he says) infidelity to me about a year ago and I suppose have lost quite a bit of respect for him as a result.

so, am thinking maybe am not quite strictly hetero. Not sure what I would do if I decide am not but suppose am just sort of interested at present as it never really occurred to me before.

insights/thoughts/shared experiences welcome

but wtf can you say to that? seriously. what use is it? I know i like boobs, fancy women and fantasise about them. I know I am married and not about to have an affair. WHere would it get me?

not trying to be confrontational btw

Oh I hope I'm not going to regret this.

I think it's natural, if you're bi (curious or otherwise, I don't really like that term, but can't put my finger on why) that if you're in a long term, monogamous relationship with one sex, you'd fantasize more about the other.

I think that you need to keep the problems with your DH and exploring your sexuality separate. I find it hard sometimes to think, that's it, I'm essentially het now for the rest of my life, but I love DH so it's worth it. If you can't make that decision, then what you have to look at first is your relationship with your DH.

I don't think going to a gay club and getting off with some random woman is a good idea - I think the repercussions could be unpleasant (you wouldn't go and kiss some random bloke in a club!)

I've spent so long deleting and rewriting that I've probably lost the plot with the thread now!

I understand! I think the counsellor will take cues from you. If you just want to chat to someone who understands about what it feels like to find yourself attracted to the same sex you can, if you want to talk to them about what it means to your relationship and how to progress you can, if you want to talk about what this means to your sexuality you can. They can also put you in touch with LGBT groups and community activities in your area, if you'd be interested in that some time down the line.

It's one thing to feel what you feel, but it's quite another to be able to discuss it with real people who are going through or have past experience of it. I get that it can be a scary thing and obviously you need not call anyone or do anything if you don't want to!

Just remember that there's a sizable proportion of the LGBT community who were utterly unaware/in denial of their sexuality until later life, often after marriage and kids. This type of call is a very common one!

"I think it's natural, if you're bi (curious or otherwise, I don't really like that term, but can't put my finger on why) that if you're in a long term, monogamous relationship with one sex, you'd fantasize more about the other."

As a bisexual in a long-term monogamous relationship, I concur

Agree about keeping question of sexuality seperate from marital issues as far as possible, although at some point they will HAVE to intertwine.

I'm bi curious, and I bloody enjoy it I tell you that. I'm in an abusive relationship with a twat of a man, but I've liked women since a young age. It was Sharon from Eastenders once but I didn't bother analysing it at the time. I asked P for an Angelina Jolie calendar last Christmas, him and his mates were . But who cares, who wouldn't fancy her??!!

yes definately agree re keeping marital issues separate

have been feeling v down all evening - I think becuase I have been thinking for the first time in months about my relnship with DH and about how unfulfilling it is on many levels. I've put all this to one side lately as I've been working on myself spiritually/mentally/emotionally whatever - hoping that getting stronger was the way to go. It is, I knw, but I feel I have opened the can of worms in my head again now.

damn and blast

our relnship is unfulfilling but [deep breath as I know this is awful] I know I'd be gutted if he were with someone else

he just doesn't seem bothered enough to try and I got sick of trying to make it better

anyway, off topic, yes, am probably somewhere on the broad spectrum of sexuality that includes enjoying sex with men (some men - plenty bore me) and liking a nice pair of breasts and enjoying the company and strength honesty and decency of (lots of but am sure not all) women

think I better go back under my self-imposed rock now and lick my emotional wounds

How do you think you could improve your relationship? What about finding something fulfilling for yourself?

(And on the spectrum thing, have you heard of the Kinsey Scale? I put myself at a 2. I find it easier to believe that people fall somewhere on here than just being gay or straight)

move over serenity I'd like to join you on 2 please

i dunno how I can make it better anymore. get counselling, try to figure it all out in my head I guess.

I feel he puts me second to alcohol. we have very little sex because of his drinking. there, I've said it.

he had a one night stand (apparantly) at a conference he was at. he said nothing apart from some canoodling in the bed happened (she shared his hotel room bed) - oddly I believe him as I expect he'd had a skinful

I've tried to inject a bit more passion into our sex life, sexy lingerie, flirting, date nights etc, he just doesn't seem that bothered and will often turn me down. I don't bother initiating sex anymore as I used to get turned down so often. This is hard stuff for me to articulate, I wanted to feel I had moved on.

I am seing my counsellor in a few weeks, I think I will ask to have a couple of sessions on normal expectations from a relnship> we've been together so long it's a case of not being able to see wood from trees now

I think counselling might be a good idea, even if it's just for you. Maybe get some perspective on the relationship? Do you think he has a problem with alcohol? The lack of sex drive on his part could be down to that - it must be really hard for you though, can't be doing your self esteem a great deal of good to be making such an effort and him to be dismissing it Of course it's hard to say these sorts of things out loud, but maybe counselling will help you believe that his behaviour is no reflection on you.

I agree that when you've been with someone a long time it can be hard (impossible?) to imagine life without them, but perhaps having a serious look at all the possibilities will help you see exactly what you want. If it's to stay, then to find ways of overcoming the shortfalls - make your own life that runs parallel with your married life?

Sorry, this is a bit of a mad ramble really!

thanks serenity

we had rlnship counselling for about 6 months, I'm not sure it helped a lot

yes he has a problem with alcohol, he is highly alcohol dependant. yes, it affects his sex drive, absolutely

I do run a parallel life for myself, and that all goes fine. I've hugely reduced my expectations and so things roll along more smoothly, we don't have the awful rows we used to.

However when I stop to think about it (which I haven't allowed myself to for months until this thread reminded me of stuff) I just wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice with all this expectation reduction

hmm, maybe I should just leave the thread and go back to my non-expectation led little bubble and not think about it again

Are you happy though? I'm not really one to do the 'leave him' shout (because frankly it's never as easy as that) but I always think of my Mum with things like this. My Dad was a bit of a git. My Mum put up with it, accepted that this is what married life was like. She was isolated, agoraphobic to a certain degree, hated new situations.
They eventually broke up for good when she was 38 (I was 17) and it terrified her, but since then she's become a whole new person - confident, she travels, she's in a decent relationship and I'm so proud of her. There's no way she could have predicted how things would turn out though, and on the outside their relationship looked fine.
What I would worry about is how long you can do this for? How long before dissatisfaction turns into resentment, turns into straight out loathing.
I hate the thought that you're living like this. Maybe if it really is unfixable, it is time to take more drastic action?

have been thinking lots about your question serenity. I don't know if I am happy. I suffer from depression and am on anti-ds so I guess the answer is probably now. But I am working on all this in my way, meditating, seeing the counsellors etc. I seem to be getting places personnaly but don't let myself reflect too much on the relationship with DH. Maybe I should just be content with it. He is a good guy, a good dad, I think. Although I am not sure I really trust him (but then how can we really trust anyone) and I do think it is a sad indictment of our situation that he can tell me about a fling and swear there was no sex involved although they slept in the same bed and I can believe him because I know how much he drinks and that he would have found it difficult to have sex whether he wanted to or not. These are the things I think our relnship counsellor should have tried to explore with us but she just didn't. And so I am adrift a bit. Sex isn'tthe most important thing in a relationship to me (especially as on the anti-ds since my dose went up my libido has really gone down) but I guess when I think about it I do get resentful that it wouldn't even matter if it were important, his relationship with alcohol always comes first. Don't get me wrong, he isn't down the pub every night or anything, but he manages somehow to consume about 70 units a week I reckon. We only ever have sex at night on those very rare occasions when he is trying to cut down and hasn't had a drink in two days. Then I can expect the arm reaching out in the night to find me. It's very rare that he does this, once every six months or so. He is having a very stressfu time at work at the moment (threathened redundancies) so I am not sure now would be a good time to bring all of this up again. He just retreats into his shell anyway...

The trouble with alcoholics when they get into a cycle of drinking and depression is that they generally only get worse, and they drag people down with them. I'm not telling you to leave him, but if he won't change, won't go to counselling, won't or can't have sex with you, and you've had to lower your expectations and standards to be with him... well, I'd leave him.

Regardless over your questioning of your sexuality, I think the main thing is you need to try and find a bit of happiness, wehther it be with a man, a woman, or by yourself (and if you do leave him, it might be good to get a year of headspace under your belt before getting into a relationship)

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thanks JAmes&GB you speak a lot of sense. And iyt is really helpful to have someone else say outright what they feel they would do. The problem is I don't see him getting worse, he would claim he isn't an alcoholic. He holds down a good job etc etc etc. However his job is of such a nature that he works at home a lot so can easily function with a hangover as no-one knows what timehe is or isn't working. At the weekends it is hard to get him going til at least 11 o clock and many coffees and from my experience he is a bit like this during the week too. We have regular hassles over housework etc as he will leave the place in a right old state. I work outside the home and am gone from very early in the morning and can come home to find breakfast stuff still all over the kitchen etc. Sorry about the whinge - am just trying to articulate to myself whether there is a prob or not.

I know I need to decide myself, but I am finding it very hard. He is an articulate, amusing man and is on occasion quite supportive of me. Although I have been suffering depression for over 2 years now and I think he thinks its a bit of a swizz I've organised to get my hands on some mood enhancing drugs

The sex/affection thing is a drag. I don't feel we are very intimate, physically or otherwise.

Your advice to have a year "off" relationships is very wise.

If you feel that his alcohol problem is fixable, then you need to try and get him to address it now before it escalates. You say you don't see him getting worse but earlier you said "I've hugely reduced my expectations and so things roll along more smoothly" - imo that is things getting worse. Has he been drinking a long time? Can you remember what life was like before?

I think your relationship problems and your sexuality issues are different matters, really. First off you need to decide what you want to do with your relationship, whether you fix it or leave him.

If you do want to try and fix it, I'd give yourself a year in which to work on tackling his alcoholism, encouraging more affection (sex will come later, cuddles and touching are more important) and spending more time together - perhaps you could get into exercising or walking together, the exercise would help you both lift your moods and give you more energy. If you rediscover why you liked each other all those years ago, maybe you'll have lots of-- threesomes be happy to leave your lesbian fantasies as fantasies.

And if it doesn't work then at least you can say you tried, before you move on!

god you are sensible! thanks!

he has always been a huge drinker - we bonded over drinking really as I used to be a massive drinker too at one point...

but now I am not, I've worked hard in it over he years as I realised it was bringing me down and I didn't like being so dependant once we had kids...now it's rare for me to have more than a couple of units a week

but he has just kept on. tbh he probably does drink a bit less than when we met, but he is still on 60-80 units a week I reckon

he does lots of exercise and is very fit (great bod! sham eI don't have much contact with it ) and takes st john's wort to help deal with his depressive tendencies, he doesn't seem to get my argument that depressive tendencies tend to reduce once you are drinking less - he did try to greatly reduce one time and went to the GP after about 3 weeks of this to ask when he would start to feel better. Bloody GP told him this is what it feels like. So he gave up.