To witness a really close friend having a 'fit' due to alcohol dependency. HELP

[Monty100]

I've been trying to support a really special friend who has a problem with alcohol. I've had the lieing the usual, butI witnessed her having a fit earlier. She has had several recently and has been hospitalised. She is now on my sofa asleep, her children are with her lovely sister (they saw it at the time and have seen it before, I hadn't).

I wanted to take her to casualty and she wouldn't go.

I'm so distraught I can hardly even articulate but I think there might be some people who will tell me what to do.

She is addicted to alcohol, this addiction is an illness in itself. She cannot care about other things because she needs drink like a drug addict needs drugs. I really hope you can help her get some help - for her DCs' sake at least. It must be awful for them

Night Monty and best of luck.

If her eyes are yellow she could be really ill. She needs medical attention.

From this website ...

"Yellow eyes typically means jaundice ... which is often related to a liver disorder such as hepatitis ... These conditions can be serious and require prompt professional medical diagnosis and treatment."

(More likely to be damage from alcohol than hepatitis, although you never know).

You should get her to a Dr tomorrow, although I appreciate this could be easier said than done.

I would also speak to NHS direct tonight and see if they have anything useful to add. I've found them very helpful in the past, although I don't know if you can call for advice for others? As she is in your care, I would phrase it so you are asking them what they think you should do with her tonight / tomorrow.

Sorry I don't mean to scaremonger, but I saw a friend drink herself to death over many tears. Her eyes went yellow not long before her liver finally gave up. This really does need to be taken seriously.

Nite baby llareggjb, hope you feel better (and mummy and daddy llareggub). Thanks all.x

I meant over many years not tears, although that was perhaps a freudian typo.

Longer term, you need to think how much support you can and are willing to give, and what is the best way to help your friend. Serious alcoholics can be very draining. But of course that doesn't stop you being a friend or wanting to help. It can help to be clear about what help you can offer, in your own mind first and also with your friend. IME alcoholics benefit from clear lines, like kids.

What's the situation with the kids? Who looks after them? How old are they?

Thanks everyone. xx I'll update you tomorrow, her sister is taking her to gp.

xx

I'm never going to be able to sleep tonight.

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound negative, just to be clear I wasn't saying don't get involved! Just that it can help to be clear about what you can and can't do before you get too drawn in and end up simply being a crutch. I hope this is making sense!

Your friend is very lucky to have a good friend like you.

Still here! Yes, I adore her dcs and I feel drained! But she's almost family and I'm very close to her. And as much as I've tried, I can't turn my back on her. It's not just alcohol now, she's physically ill.

Anyone above that I have not answered by name, thank you all of you have been very supportive.

Can't go to sleep.

How are things this morning?

Hi Monty,

There are no guarantees here; you need to be very careful not to be sucked further into her alcoholism by further becoming her enabler. There is a fine line here and you need to have set boundaries for your own self in what you can and cannot do. You may feel some proprietory sense of responsibility towards her - ultimately though you are not responsible for her. You need support for your own self and I would urge you to talk to Al-anon. Lowrib is correct here.

If her children are teens also I would encourage them to talk to Al-ateen or NACOA (National Association for children of alcoholics). They need proper help and support from such organisations, not least of all some permanent stability in their chaotic lives. Their mother cannot provide this for them.

Unfortunately this lady could lose everything around her including her health and may still make a choice to carry on drinking. Her primary relationship is with drink - absolutely nothing else matters. Its not solely about hitting rock bottom and then deciding to seek help. As it stands currently this lady is drinking herself to death.

If she really wont go to the hospital ,then i suggest you try and get her to see her GP ,they can give her medication to help her detox safely ,they will also encourage her to go to hospital. She will need a endoscopy to determine where the blood is coming from. If her eyes are yellow then her liver is indeed badly affected . This lady really needs hospital treatment asap .

The other thing you could do is ring her GP yourself and tell them what has happened ,explain she is refusing to get medical help and they may possibly do a house call . I wouldnt hold out much hope though .If she is hospitalised ,they will treat her physically ,but in my experience there isnt much in the way of pyschological support in the NHS

I'm not sure you really appreciate how dangerously ill she could get or how quickly.

1. Seizures during alcohol withdrawal are a symptom of Delirium Tremems which can easily be fatal, particularly if untreated.
2. Black vomit is typically old blood that's found its way into the stomach, and in an alcoholic this can come from small ruptures of esophageal varices. A serious rupture is often fatal, with the victim literally drowning in their own blood.
3. Yellow eyes are a sign that her liver is in a very bad way. Alcohol-induced liver damage can go from worrying to severely life-threatening in a very short space of time and with few obvious external changes.

An alcoholic will typically only seriously work at dealing with their alcoholism when the consequences of their drinking, and the fear of what they will further lose if they don't stop, outweighs the fear of having to face up to the world sober. In giving her a soft-landing, you're helping her to avoid those consequences. It's a natural reaction, I know, but it doesn't actually help.

To be honest, my biggest concerns here are less for your friend than for her children. It's good that her sister is looking after them for now but alcoholic parents have a profound and deeply damaging effect on their children (see Bottling It Up, a report from Turning Point. Actively drinking alcoholics make crap parents as their primary relationship is with alcohol, not their children. Moreover, they're very inconsistent and often volatile parents. Those children need help.

I would strongly urge either you or your friend's sister to call the NSPCC and ask their advice about getting Social Services involved. SS will be able to put your friend in contact with a variety of help for her problems while also putting in place some protection for the children. Yes, I know it's scary and yes, I know SS has a bad press. But while they weren't perfect, they helped my family enormously when my ex's alcoholism was putting our children at risk.

Hello everyone. My friend has seen her gp today her blood pressue was 60/30????

Her gp has made a hospital referral and she goes there tomorrow. Her gp has also mentioned referral to an alcohol dependency unit and from what my friend said she's going to go and talk to them about rehab. Please god.

Thanks for all your advice. Over the past year or so I did take a step back because I could see what was evolving but since I saw the yellow eyes I've been trying to help her out with the dcs, I will mention al anon to her fifteen year ds. Her dd is 11. They are both getting support from me and my friend's sister with whom I'm very much in touch with and we are trying to help move things along to where we are at right now which is medical intervention. I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks for the update, I have been wondering how you are doing. Would she go to AA, do you think? If she is willing she could start today. There will be a meeting near you. She really must be willing though. From our experience 2 years ago, if we'd have waited for the GP referral we'd have waited a long time. My DH detoxed at home with medication, managed withdrawal of alcohol and an AA meeting every day.

Some chaps from the AA called to the house and talked to him, and took him to a meeting. The AA is really what saved him, although obviously he had the intent as well. It is a fantastic organisation.

Thank buggerall. I'll probably pop round and see later on and I will suggest AA to her. I think the gp may by referring her to a detox programme. I'll know more later.

Thanks.

Good luck. You can go to Al-anon too if you are going to carry on being involved/supportive.

Thank god she has seen her GP ,thats a really low bp by the way ,which shows thats she has probably been bleeding for some time . I really hope she has the courage to take the help being offered to her ,so she can move on with her life .Yes ,alcoholics are the most manipulative people ( as are all addicts) ,but they are still human beings and she is very lucky to still have people who care enough to help . Ive seen so many who have put their family/friends through so much hell ,that they have been left alone . The physical detox is the easy part, the time when she really needs help is when she is sober and gets an unbearable urge to drink again ,my best wishes to you ,her and her family .

Thanks lla and Bumpson.

I popped round to see her, she doesn't look good. She's going to hospital tomorrow for a scan on her tummy, she was a bit of a closed book when I asked her about medication she didn't really answer me properly. Her family are going to be around quite a bit which is a relief.

I'll keep you all posted.

xxx

So glad she got medical attention. Hope you sleep better tonight Monty.