What are the classic traits of toxic parents?

[poshsinglemum]

I'm not sure if mine are and I really don't want dd to have the same upbringing as me.

Not sure if I'm a toxic daughter.

Wow - where to start? Guilt trips, manipulation, criticising you, martyrdom, attention seeking....

Give us a couple of examples?

Control freakery.
Making up for their lost experiences and regrets by trying to organise their children's lives.

(thinking of the MIL here)

ok-one handed typing going on.

Banging on about wanting to commit suicide when I was a small child making me very scared i would loose mummy.

Verbal and physical abuse when little.

Telling me not to have kids because it is a terrible experience. (my mum's words!

Sending me to a private chool i didn't want to go to and keeping me there even though i was being bullied and they knew.And then moaning that if it wasn't for school fees they could have a bigger house and more holidays.

definate control freakery especially regarding what subjects i studied.

Telling me to pull myself together a day after my c-section as i was frightened of injecting myself with anti-coagulants.

In many other ways they are lovely and are doting grandparents but the controlfreakery prevails and i can't keep my distance as i am alone and rely on them too much. not healthy i know.

oh god - i make them sound awful and i know they love me very much. i guess no parents are perfect.

They don't sound very nice .

What's triggered you to start thinking about it now? Are you going to have it out with them?

They sound pretty shite to me!

These problems can also become generational in nature; toxic people are quite happy to carry on as they are and manipulate the grandchildren for their own ends.

You're right that no parents are perfect and parents do screw up. However, there is a world of difference between parental mistakes that do no long term harm and what your parents did to you as a child. Let's pull no punches here, they both failed you miserably as a child and continue to do so.

Oh I feel like I've been really mean now. Ive been spending too much time with them recently. If I wasn't a single mum I wouldn't spend nearly as much time with them.
I think with a lot of it such as the private school bit, their hearts were in the right place but they were misguided.
I'm not going to have it out with them. I just don't want to make the same mistakes with dd. Mum had serious post natal depression resulting in long tern mental health issues with me and so far I havn't repeated that pattern.
Having dd has made me realise how difficult parenthood is and part of me sympathises with them (the depression must have been awful on top of looking after a baby)but part of me thinks - How could they do that?
Anyone else get me?

Oh dear - I know no one is petrect but lots of the things you list are, I think, seriously bad parenting, and stuff you would not want to repeat. But the fact that you are questioning it and hoping not to repeat it, means you are v unlikely to i imagine.

And don't feel mean! If you need to put distance between themse,ves and you at some point (emotionally and physically) you'll be doing it for the good of you and your daughter.

petrect???? PERFECT!

My dad told me I shouldn't go back to work yet because dd is so young and I know that he is thinking of dd's wellbeing but I do feel a bit resentful that he thinks I should take his advice. I also agree with him but it isn't really his business is it?

I also think that I have been a toxic daughter as I have treated my mum like shit in the past. I always feel bad when I have a go at her and swear that I will be nicer in the future but she just gets on my nerves. It's like were stuck in this vicious circle.

I was very rebellious as a teen. Mabe it was normal by most teen standards but my sister wasn't rebellious at all and has turned out much more functional than myself.

Blimey Bucharest. I've struggled for years to articulate my MIL's behaviour and you've done it in one sentence for me. Thank you.