Should I forgive him

[Sshhbear]

Here's a hard one. I know my partner looks at porn on the web. I'm sure a lot of guys do but just over a week ago I noticed he had looked at a 'find a sex partner' website and even worse, signed up for a month on his credit card. When I confronted him he said he sort of got sucked into signing, which sounds like a poor excuse except that he is one of these people who doesn't read the fine print and often gets silly mobile phone subscriptions etc.

I have never in 7 years doubted his faithfulness but I thought his excuse was pathetic so I decided to test him. I created a profile and then started messaging him with stuff I knew would appeal to him. At the same time, I was making myself physically sick each time he replied so I told him that I thought he was up to something and he said he had been chatting with someone and promised to stop. This was all good for 3 days but then he sent a final message to 'becky' before cancelling his subscription. His last message to her had his mobile phone number in it.

I honestly believed he would never follow through with anything with another person, so I sent a couple of text messages asking him to meet 'becky'. I thought/hoped/prayed he would ignore or say no thanks. But he didn't. He not only arranged to meet her but he then dutifully showed up at the location she suggested. I was so upset that I quickly sent him a message saying that there was no 'becky' - I had to know whether he would cheat or not and now I knew.

I think the worst thing about this is that while pretending to be someone else, I was working my butt off at home to make him happy so he wouldn't ever feel like he needed to be with another person. When I say working my butt off, I actually did things I have never done before to please him so I really did make a huge effort.

So now he wants me to forgive and forget - he knows he was wrong but he argues that he was always going to cancel his membership but then this temptation came along.

I don't know what to do or think. I know I played with fire. I really did because I made the deal seem way to good and 'becky' was based on what I knew he would love. As I said before he has always been faithful. I have no doubt that he's never done this before. Do I forgive and forget or not?

I should mention that we have a young family and he's a great dad.

Any advice would be great.

Sandy

It is certainly not a bad reflection on you. It is a bad reflection on him. If it wasn't you who was messaging him, it could have been someone else and then what? He would have went ahead and slept with someone else behind your back and you may not have known about it.

I don't believe in spying on someone......however, when you are very suspicious or are protecting yourself in doing so, then I think it is right. Why should someone be allowed to deceive you? And if you didn't spy on him, how would you have found out? On this occasion you have been proved right and you were lucky to catch him before he actually did anything.

Also, this is not your fault.

He joined the site. He replied to your messages and he agreed to meet you (Becky). Those are all choices that he made over a period of time. At any moment he could have stopped. In fact when you confronted him with the thought that he was up to something what did he do? He messaged 'Becky' with his mobile number. That is not someone who has no intention, the intent is blatant.

If that was my DH, his arse would have been out the door quicker than a bullet out of a gun.

Only you know what is right for you though. Whatever happens, just be assured that this is not your fault and that there are plenty of great men out there who would never treat you in this way. Best wishes and good luck.

Oh and one more thing.

You did such a great job of catching him out that if he was going to do this again to you - he would work MUCH harder to hide it.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going to call it a night and try to sleep on it. I'm sure I'll wake in the morning and still be just as confused but it is comforting to know that my gut reaction to this is confirmed by lots of other people. I can't talk to any of my friends or family because it causes too many problems. I confided in one very supportive (but not too close) friend but I don't dare tell anyone else at this stage.

Ssshbear, I have repeated bad patterns too! In my 20s I went out with a South African who was definitely going back home in 18months. Then I wasted years on a couple of guys who I knew wasn't really serious about me.

I eventually broke that pattern and got into an relationship with a man who wasn't going anywhere, but he was controlling and abusive.

so, I have done a bit of navel-gazing the last couple of years. I'm not sure I have all the answers... but all I know is, I value myself now, even my path has never crossed with a man who also valued me! Value yourself

xx

I'm afraid I'm going to have to sit on the fence on this one.

What he did was wrong, no question. Absolutely wrong.

But the lengths Sshhbear went to in order to find her DH out seem excessive. The need to know whether he would cheat seems to have taken over her thinking - and look at the result.

Personally, I would have stepped at the stage where the website was found.

Presumably she had to purchase a new sim card in order to make this 'becky' look real? Then to appeal to his personal tastes (which only she could know about) and make it available on a plate - well it's a bit much for me.

Surely she could have talked to him about the situation rationally?

As it is, she is complicit in creating a situation where there appears to be little hope for recovery.

Hope it works out though.

Good morning everyone. Just woke up and have stomach cramps and feel very unwell but I will soldier on. I was hoping to get an 'on the fence' message over this. SueMunch is right. I did have to purchase a new sim card though at an investment of $4 with 5 mins for set up, I thought it was a small investment. I feel that I took it too far but it was fueled by his interest too.

Interestingly, when I confronted him at first, I told him I had thought about setting him up instead of confronting him so I also half thought he might have known it was me. But unfortunately, he didn't click. I wish he had of.

Hi, I haven't had time to read all of the thread, sorry, children screaming around me!

I just had to say my dh did that, we have now been separted for nearly 3 weeks, he was looking for nsa daytime sex.

This is just my belief into my relationship. I think it shows that there was fundemental floors in my relationship, I think we are under lots of stress, and some men find release in sex, our children were always in our bed, so no sex at home, he looked else where, which is no excuse! However, I am still doing so much soul searching, I don't think we could work again, though every part my heart wishs we could, because there would always be too many unanswered questions, there will always be a part of me that wants to know every little detail, which will tear me apart, and also I will never know if everything is the whole truth. Also what happens if we did cope then a year or so down the line, things get tough again, wants happens if I get ill and can't have sex, would he go off again? How could I ever trust him when hes on the computer late at night again what will I think? if he had sex with someone else did he catch anything, these are girls that want casual nsa daytime sex wheres there self respect?

I'm finding it soooooooo hard being a single parent and I find I'm uncontrolably crying most of the time, but I know in time the sadness will past and I have to cope I have two wonderful children, but I think doult and the fallout of me forgiving my h would be worst, I know after a couple of drinks I will throw it back in his face, I know I could never trust him again.

i don't know if that helps but that's my feelings on a similiar situation to yours. I'm sorry its happen to you.

I'm concerned that you are blaming yourself for his shitty behaviour, and think that it's all about you.

The only thing that could be about you is why you might be drawn to unfaithful slimeballs who expect you to jump through hoops for them. What was your parents' relationship like? Do you think you have self-esteem issues? I think you might benefit from some work on yourself, you know, perhaps in the form of counselling, and you might come out in better shape, valuing yourself more in your relationships and on your own. You deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

And it goes without saying, sling the toad out on his sorry arse.

Good luck!

"He keeps saying that he felt bad doing what he was doing but it was my fault for pushing through with the messages etc. He is also saying that because our relationship hasn't been great for the last year or so (mostly due to me being unhappy him not being very financial) he felt unloved. Then he states that by treating him the way I have the last week, he has felt great and knows that he would never want anyone else."

So basically he's saying that it's your fault he signed up for the website 'by accident', your fault that he gave his mobile number to what he thought was another woman, your fault that he arranged to meet her in a hotel room, and your fault that he actually turned up??

Does this 'man' ever take responsibility for anything? That level of immaturity alone would be enough to make me want to get rid of him, never mind his plans to cheat in the first place.

I think you are all right about his needing to take responsibility. Every time we talk about this, he attacks me and finds things to blame me for. I got so cranky with him yesterday during one of these discussions that I actually started hitting him - something I have never done before.

He seems to bring out the worst in me because we never resolve any issues and now I have another one to add to the stock pile. I have told him numerous times that I can't be with him because of this but he is so stubborn, he won't leave. I have also tried to leave and he has threatened not to let me take the kids etc.

I do love him but there are so many issues and now that I know he would cheat given the chance, I don't see much hope for us. He wants us to put the past behind us, not talk about it again and start anew. As if it is that easy. If it was, everyone would stay together forever.

Ssshbear, I hate to say this but there really is no hope. You're starting to doubt your own behaviour and you sound like a totally decent woman so you just have to get rid.

You simply can't be with a man who brings out the worst in you, believe me I was, and it made me doubt myself. I have kids too and you can separate and as long as you both have their best interests at heart, it will be O.K. He can't threaten you and you must stick to your guns. Please do something before it's too late. He's behaved so badly, please don't give him another chance and know you'll be fine without him. There's a sisterhood of strong women out here who'll support you every inch of the way.

I'm not demonising suemench, but she's not neutral. She's made the decision to put up and shut up and therefore she can't really advise somebody else to leave can she?? Her advice has the agenda of making her feel good about the 'choice' she made, albeit backed into a corner.

You're husband failed YOU and is prepared to lie and is unremorseful, so I'm sorry Suemench but you're wrong, the OP definitely shouldn't berate herself for having taken measures to find out the truth about her own life. She shouldn't have to dig to get to the truth.

The OP's life is not a sacrafice to her husband's convenience. If she invaded his privacy briefly to get to the truth it was in mitigating circumstances as he was hiding the truth about her life from her. Presenting a fake reality.

Very sorry to hear about this. Especially given that you have been trying so hard to make it work. Do you have anyone to lean on/help? Think you need some support to deal with all of this especially given previous break-up.

best wishes

Thanks for the concern ToughDaddy. I do have a small circle of close friends and family but sometimes it's better not to bring them into domestic worries as it tends to make them a bit 'anti DH' in the long term. That's why I thought I would post here to get people's thoughts. It's always hard to know whether your ideas on things are 'normal' when you're constantly being told they're not.

My DH is being very affectionate and is showing remorse for what he's done but I'm still undecided. I do think we need counselling no matter which way things go.

Good point on the relatives/friends. I think my sister now feels that the decision she made with her DH was partly led by family so take the space to sort out how you really feel.

Remorse is a good sign. I was thinking earlier that lack of remorse and sweeping things under carpet, as you were hinting, is a bad sign.

I rarely advise people to leave or stay with cheating partners. I mostly advise that they look for the option that will bring peace and happiness. Counselling could help you through this.

This morning a hypothetical question popped into my mind. I know your situaion is real so I hope that I don't distract from real situation: I was wondering how many DH's would be lured by a Becky contacting them for clandestine sex vs how many men would sign up to sex partner's site. And I actually thing that more men would do the former! I know that your DH did both so this hypothesis is reall;y no use in your situation but it was a thought that crossed my mind.

It is good that you have financial independence whatever yu decide. Hope that you find some peace.

sshhbear - I've just had a little read of your other posts. it sounds to me like you know what to do but for one reason or another, keep avoiding making the break. be careful not to use this site as a way of staying stuck going over and over in your mind the same 'should I / shouldn't I' stuff.

Whether you tricked him or not, he planned to cheat with 'Becky'. Now act in real life for goodness sake.