my mother and facebook

[mogwai]

I've had no contact with my mother since February and haven't seen her since Christmas. Have posted previously about history of emotional abuse and how at the age of 36 I feel I can no longer cope with her behaviour (for my sanity's sake).

I was due to give birth to my second child last week, so I'm a little overdue.

She sent me an email at the beginning of June, saying she regrets that we are "not friends" any more, but not acknowledging any of her behaviours which led up to this (which I have carefully explained to her back in Feb). It was a short email, just "wishing me well" with the baby. As I hadn't heard from her since February, I'm also presuming she has forgotten my exact due date and I sort of expected her to start trying to open the channels of communication once June arrived.

I thought about her e-mail and decided not to reply. I had nothing to add really, I've already told her that I can't cope with her and that she needs professional help. Since February I have also discovered that she cancelled my birthday present retrospectively (a magazine subscription) which seems a very mean and spiteful thing to do (presumably in "revenge" at my saying I can't cope with her).

Yesterday I received a phone call from a close friend ot say that my mother had searched her out on facebook and sent her a message which reads

"Do you know whether Mogwai has had the baby? If she hasn't, can you let me know when she does? Thanks, Suze x".

"Suze" is a name she calls herself. My friend certainly wouldn't.

I am livid and have told my friend not to reply.

What do you think?

I would let her know when the baby had been born, it is her grandchild, but I don't think that anymore than that is necessary.
Am taking this on face value though as I haven't read your previous threads.
Good luck with the baby, don't let this wind you up

Your mother is obviously curious about the baby....just like any granny to be. Send her a birth anouncement card soon after you baby is born.

Try not to be livid about her contacting your friend - it's natural for her to care and be curious.

Good luck!

I barely speak to my father. I did send an email saying our dd had arrived though - name, weight and time. Dh sent a proper email with pics, funny comment etc to everyone we care about.

Mogwai

I would be concerned that your Mother is trying to find out information from your friends on FB. Care and concern for you does not come into it. I hope your friend does not impart any information to your Mother.

Does your H know about this, what does he think?.

I take it as read that your request for her to seek professional help went down like the proverbial lead balloon. That request probably also went unanswered as well as ignored. Your Mother will never seek any help because in her eyes she feels she has done no wrong by you (which is also a typical toxic parent type response).

You may want to ask this question too on the "Well we took you to Stately homes" thread on these pages as their counsel may also be helpful.

Thanks for your replies.

I have no intention of keeping any news from my mother, I just have no reason to be in contact with her and as yet there is no news to share.

We have discussed our options and decided we will probably copy her into a round robin text or email when the time arrives, though I do not want her to visit. My concern is not to open any channels of communication with her as she soon becomes abusive and accusative when she does not get her own way. I am simply tired of trying to relate with her and have no more energy beyond that which I need to care for my own young family.

Attila - your post hit home. The reason I am so cross is because she is (1) trying to get information about me from my friends (2) searching out my friends on facebook and thus involving them and (3) presuming that this is okay behaviour and that my friends will simply give this information out without a thought.

My friend who was contacted is astonished at this presumption, though she did also point out that, as my mother has no friends of her own (and, incidentally, has NEVER had any friends), then she doesn't realise that a friend would never act in this way.

My friend wasn't sure whether to reply. She initially spoke to my husband, who told her to ignore the message, but having slept on it, I feel more cross about it and wonder whether she should indeed ignore it or whether she should reply telling my mother that this sort of thing really isn't on.

I am keen that she should know this isn't appropriate but also keen not to involve my friend any further or put words into her mouth.

(by the way, I should have added that my mother actually e-mailed me the same day she emailed my friend to tell me that a relative abroad has died. She is clearly using the available channels of communication but can't just ask ME whether I've had the baby. Seems a lot of effort to seek out my friends on facebook rather than ask me directly when she is already e-mailing me about something else).

Hi 8mogwai* I can totally see why you are upset about your mum involving other people.

Just out of interest, would you have replied to her if she had emailed to ask you to let her know about the baby?

Good luck with the pg

Sorry X-posted - you answered my question, really.

ummmm - i dont know your background but to me it sounds like you are being a bit harsh tbh. Your mum cancelled your bday present after you told her she needed help psychologically and you didnt want to know her. Even if she is awful that was going to hurt and she is hardly going to be delighted - I can understand why she did that. SHe cares enough to wonder whether you have had the baby - If she is anything like my not even fifty year old mother she probably has forgotten the due date - my mum forgets them all - and she has contacted someone you know to check that you are ok and wanting to know when her grandchild is born - a perfectly normal thing to do. I understand you probably have years of hurt with her but I think in this instance you are being too hard and your mum doesnt seem to be able to win.

Yes, I would have answered her question.

Pretty fly I don't think I'm being harsh. The woman has made my life a misery and I've had enough.

Don't fall out with your Mother is you possibly avoid it - you only have one and words said in anger can cause years of regret.

Trust me I know from first hand experience.

mogwai I understand totally how you must be feeling and I would not tell her when the baby comes if you don't want too. Just because she is your mother doesn't give her any rights to your baby.

Can you tell this is close to home?

But prettyfly, mogwai says in her OP that her mother has emotionally abused her in the past.
And I have had my ups and downs with my own Mum but if she had arranged a present for me, she would never cancel it.
I think her Mum is being manipulative. She is hoping that mogwai's friend will have sympathy and convince mogwai to get back in touch with her Mum. Which her friend, being a good friend is not going to do.
mogwai, you don't need this crap now of all times. Tell your friend and any others she might contact not to reply to her, put your feel up and have some chocolate!

"feet" not "feel"

Agree with chipmonkey

I'd be mad too mogwai. You need this time to yourself and don't really need the stress of dealing with your mother right now. In the past I have ignored communication like you describe with my own mother and so far that has worked so maybe that would work with you?

There is also the chance though that she could do more and more to get your attention which could be a bad thing. It's a fine line and only you know what she is capable of.

These situations are no win. If you involve her, you know she will soon be back to her old ways and if you don't involve her, it will be yet another thing that she can say you have done to her.

I hope that she gets the message and leaves you alone so that you can enjoy this lovely moment in your life

thanks ladies

I do feel a bit vunerable emotionally at the moment. Was doing okay until my friend rang yesterday and, though I'm glad she told me, I just wish my mum would leave me alone.

It's hard when you go overdue in a pregnancy too - all that anticipation and worry and you sort of psychologically need the baby to arrive because every extra day feels like a week.

My mum is the queen of manipulation. I know how she operates, as many of you with "toxic" parents will appreciate. It really helps me to hear your words of support and yes, she has no rights to my children whatsoever.

The people who think I'm being harsh have no idea what I've endured.

Also, if I was trying to cut ties with a father who had sexually abused me (fearing he would affect my children) then I doubt very much that people would say I was being harsh or tell me to avoid fallign out with him at all costs.

Emotional abuse is very hard to live with - you can't see the scars - but it's every bit as serious as some of you know. Pity most people don't understand the seriousness of it, though professionals do tend to recognse this nowadays and it's considered as serious as physical or sexual abuse (I work in the NHS and see this from my child protection training - don't think the message has filtered down to everyone though!). The subject is of great interest to me and I hope to do some work in this sector (probably on a voluntary basis) in the future when the little ones ar e abit older.

[[[hugs]]]

I understand.