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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you are a very trusting person, in a long-term stable relationship and you have no evidence

34 replies

OrmIrian · 16/06/2009 13:16

that your DP is having an affair, is it significant if all of a suddenly, out of the blue, your Infidelity-meter gives a beep?

He has never been unfaithful, I have never been jealous, he still finds me attractive and tells me so all the time. But he has started a new job with mostly female colleagues. He keeps popping out for a quick drink, or to buy lottery tickets, or to watch the end of the cricket/football - all of which he has done before and it's never bothered me. But I keep getting odd little shivers of alarm about it all. Why would that happen?

Is paranoia a symptom of the peri-menopause Or am I picking up on signals from him?

Shall I just get a grip?

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 08:52

If he has never been faithful before, and you say it has not bothered you, why are you upset now?

howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 08:53

oops-sorry- misread your op!

MrsLemon · 17/06/2009 09:15

Hmm tough one!

I would say that for a few years I had fleeting moments (literally only split second thoughts) about my husband perhaps having an affair/being unfaithful. But we seemed so happy and so I never really dwelled on these thoughts. I dismissed them as soon as the entered my head as the thought was so ridiculous. I also could not work out WHEN he would have the time to do it as he was/is a very hands on Dad.

Oh how I kicked myself. January last year I found he had been screwing any munter desperate enough to post a pic of her fanjo or titties on the net with low class slappersih name to match like "cumontitssuzy" or "Analanna" or "saraluvs2suk" etc etc. Free prostitution in my mind. Anyhow, he had been stopping off in his lunch break, on the way home from work, when I was out with the kids etc for a quickie of whatever he fancied for 4 years!

No one would believe it. My husband is a shy man! LOL

In all seriousness, I now kick myself for not even allowing myself to absorb those initial fleeting brief thoughts. If only I had.......!

I would suggest not panicking but keeping an eye out. Don't confront because its a universal known fact that 99% of peeps being unfaithful will not admit to it unless there is evidence to back up your claims.

All you can do is watch and look for further evidence. Comp history, mobile phone secrecy info, hidden phone, pockets, cars, bank accounts, car mileage are all things to consider looking at. I did this and discovered enough to make my husband admit to the Full enormity of his unfaithfulness. I am sure he would have denied it or even with just a little evidence, he would have perhaps admitted to only one shag/munter.

Anyhow, it can be very very easy to let your mind get carried away with all this. So make sure you step back every few days and ask yourself brutally honestly - do his actions actually = an affair/unfaithfulness. There are lots of reasons why he may go out 3 x per week. But note them down, dates, days time etc and see if after a few weeks there is a pattern. Again this may mean he is meeting his mate John for a pint every week etc and not Jane for a shag! But by being more vigilant you are more likely eventually to uncover something than if you dont keep an eye out.

I really hope its all innocent and you have nothing to worry about. Good luck.

motherinferior · 17/06/2009 09:30

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you're going through this. xx

CountessDracula · 17/06/2009 16:49

just a thought
he couldn't be smoking could he?
My dh did this - kept coming in from work and avoiding being too close to me, sitting at the other end of the sofa and being very tetchy

After a couple of weeks of this I asked him if he was having an affair - turned out he had started smoking again and didn't want me to know (the twat -w hat am I, his mother??)

twopeople · 17/06/2009 19:20

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isagrey64 · 10/02/2017 04:30

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MusicIsMedicine · 12/02/2017 02:01

Listen to that inner instinct. It's rarely wrong. Do some snooping. Do some randomly calling him when he's out to see how he responds, if he answers etc. Make it for mundane reasons. Watch to see if any patterns to the outings. Try suggesting going along one time and see how he reacts.

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/02/2017 02:22

It's a zombie thread from 2009. I imagine OP has sorted things one way or another by now.

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