Why are my inlaws like this?

[petunia]

I've never had an easy relationship with my inlaws and there have been several big rows with them over the years. Today is our 9th Wedding Anniversary, and as expected there wasn't a card from them. We used to get them but following a huge row 5 years ago the cards stopped. It's not like they forget, they'll wish a Happy Anniversary to DH on the phone.
I know I should be used to it after 5 years but it still really, really hurts.

Petunia,

Wishing you a Happy 9th Wedding Anniversary!!.

Re the "outlaws", is there any way you can both approach them directly and talk this through with them?. This needs sorting out. Your DH must notice the absense of a card as well (mine certainly did last year but my parents are well crappy at remembering such days and will probably forget our tenth wedding anniversary tomorrow. However I digress).

Five years is a long time to be feeling such hurt and it is a long time for them to be holding such grudges against you. Pride and a perceived loss of face may well be behind this decision not to send a card as well (they may think that if they send you a card then they were wrong after all).

Would also add they may well have forgotten why the argument five years ago actually arose in the first place (I cannot believe that they could exactly remember what was said and by whom) so such a grudge should not and therefore cannot no longer be held against you. They need to let this go otherwise it will just go on eating away at them.

They need to bury the hatchett on this one or at the very least try to act in a civil manner towards you.

I wish you well

hi petunia, firstly happy 9th wedding anniversary

have you discussed this with your dh? does he get on with them? can he have a word if you dont feel like you could approach them yourself to sort this out?

x

Thanks for your good wishes and advice.

To be truthful, I really don't see a way out of this. My inlaws are the sort of people who throw tantrums when they don't get their own way- his mother threw one when we said we were getting engaged. This last argument was done in front of our 13 month old and involved plenty of shouting, followed by them storming out and then a few days later his mother started making phones calls, saying things like she "hoped we were happy" and that "she never wanted to see either of us again."
I think they're embarrassed about their behaviour afterwards but they never apologise and everyone's expected to act as if nothing's happened- I call it playing at "Happy Families."

As for DH, I probably will ask him how he feels about his parents not sending a card but he's now so scared of their reactions, I don't think he'd ever say anything to them.

I never thought it would be this difficult to get along with 2 people!