I want another, DH says NO ... wwyd??

[ElizabethCM]

i am 29 years old and have a wonderful 10mth DD. she is a delightful, easy, gorgeous baby and DH and I love her like mad. lately i have been getting broody and talking about getting pregnant again in 2010. DH has announced he "cannot cope" with any more. though he loves DD to pieces he can't deal with "two or three" running around.

i told DH, before we were married, I would like four children. he now says "but i didn't know how stressfull they were". (our baby, btw, is not stressful in any way. she is an absolute delight).

i am now thinking of leaving DH, who i otherwise love very much. being a mother has given me more joy than i ever imagined. i would rather take my chances as a single mother ... perhaps meet a new person who wants what i want, than be in a marriage knowing i will never have another baby.

i think i know the answer but then i think of my daughter and her daddy together question whether i can tear the family apart? should i just be grateful for what we have? should i give up on other babies (can't even type that without tears in my eyes!!)

Mutt who are you arguing with, has a straw man joined the thread without us noticing?

Do you really think the only alternative to putting up and shutting up if someone takes a major decision that affects you and won't accept you input is to bully them?

OP ewe is right about the baby stage. My dad thought we were all boring as babies, but got loads of fun out of us as we got older. Your daughter is just about to get really cute, it's hard to imagine she coup get better, but she will

It is still very early, you have to respect what he wants also. I am sure when your DD gets a little older he will change him mind!

Are you truly happy in your relationship? It's a bit scary that you are thinking of leaving him so soon!

Give him time, he will come round!

mutt you sound pretty irate to me.

What issues are you on about? You know nothing about me. Your personal remarks to me aren't even intended to help the op.

I'm the only person telling her she's not the selfish one. Maybe she appreciates that, you know, even if you don't?

Just thought I would add something. I had a friend whose husband only wanted one child (he was an only child himself and enjoyed it). She talked him into having two and he was okay about it eventually. She then got broody and wanted an third. He was adament that he did not want three. Eventually, she persuaded him by saying she would do all the work during the first 18 months - all the getting up in the night, all the nappies etc. Anyway, she got pregnant with twins!!

Happy ending though - she admits that the first year with twins was "hell" as the husband sulked and spent a LOT of time at work. However, in the end, he came round to the idea of a family of four rather then one and I think they are very happy. (She is slightly superwoman though, so he probably didn't have to do a huge amount when they were babies/toddlers). Give it time, I think a lot of men find babies very stressful - parenting gets so much more fun as they get older (until they become teens that is!)

If you got pregnant and had another child, would your husband leave you for having a second child? If not, then why is it important to leave him because you want more children?

Leaving could be seen as a punishment. Would you leave your DC and husband to have more children with another man? If not, why should DH be expected to separate from the child because he won't agree to have more children?

You could argue that he knew that you wanted more than one child but that in it's self couldn't be the determining factor to cause a separation.

Talk to your husband. Tell him how strongly you feel about having more children. Let him know you considered leaving him because you cannot imagine a life without a big family and explain that its part of who you are. Ask him to reconsider in 12 months time and if he still only wants one, then maybe consider what is going to make you happiest.

Don't rush into something so soon. Enjoy your little girls and the family you already have

thanks so much everyone. i guess a lot can change in the next twelve months. perhaps i am panicking a bit early!

i have told him how i feel. and he has told me how he he feels and we have reached an impasse. but yes, i will give it six months and discuss it again then.

skidoodle i guess i agree with you. i don't see why everything i want should be shelved on my husbands say so. i am willing to compromise (less kids, longer space between them, more time off work, paying a full time nanny myself) to make things easier. so why wont he?

but i agree with others too. would be awful to have dd grow without her father, who adores her.

ho hum. let the waiting begin!

Elizabeth - You say she's a delight and not stressful, but do you have any idea how stressful it is paying the bills and keeping the roof over everyone's head? It is very stressful being responsible for an entire family - I speak as the breadwinner!

Please whatever you do, don't "accidentally" get pregnant - what an utterly dispicible thing to do.

While I in no way think women should get pregnant "accidently", I really don't think it is a "despicable" thing to do. Misguided or selfish perhaps but the maternal urge is a hefty thing and hard to fight.

ElizabethCM, I was very much in this position. I told exh that he was more than entitled to have the view that he wanted no more children but I did and was therefore entitled to leave a relationship and find one with someone who wanted the same things as me. You both have equal rights in this situation and this obviously involves making difficult choices to get the lives you want.

I'm sorry to hear that so many of you think it's OK to trap a person in to becoming a parent. No wonder men think we're all trying to trick them in to fatherhood, it seems that 50% of you think it's OK to do so.

How about if the shoe were on the other foot and she'd decided she didn't want more and he was sticking pins in condoms? That would be OK?

*dispicAble, tsk!

When I was younger I didn't want children, and I wasn't sure that I ever would want any. DH has always wanted to be a dad. We were honest with each other from the start, and DH always said to me that he would never put the hypthetical idea of a child above the living reality of me. I would have understood if he'd been a damn sight less reasonable than that. We now have DS (nearly 1 y.o.) and it has been wonderful from the start. We're not planning to have any more. Maybe we'll change our minds, maybe we won't. I do realise how lucky I am.

OP, I do think your DH needs more time. Also, I know I'm in the wrong place to say this, but I can't help being rather at the way so many people uncritically accept that having more children is always better, and there is something wrong or negative about being happy with just one. Good luck, anyway.

Give him another year or so, honestly....chances are he'll come round.

I think you need to give him time as well.

It wasn't until my DS was 18 months that I felt life had a sense of normality to it, and not until he was 2 that I could contemplate having another.

At 29 you're still young enough to give it more time.

It also depends on your daughter's personality and HER needs. My dad was an only child and hated it; he is very sociable and was remarkably lonely during his childhood. In fact, he made all of us (yes, he made up for it by having a larger than average family himself) promise that if we had kids we'd always have more than one...

Elizabeth this was my thread

here

My next post some months later after alot of souls searching was that Dh had agreed and we are currently ttc#6.

My advice? Be patient. If it is really really important to you, then you both need lots talking and total honesty. I did tell Dh I didn't know IfI would ever be able to not hold it against him.

Hope it works out.

ElizabethCM - I am in agreement with so parts of what almost every poster has already said about giving DH more time. Shocked to that you thought of leaving him.

The most interesting part of your first post though is that you seemed to have a very fixed target number of 'four' in your head and there seems to be a timeline as well. You clearly feel very strongly at a deep emotional level about this but speaking to you as a man who defnitely wanted children and SAHD I will honestly say that a man can never feel that visceral emotion about conceiving and bearing child(ren) that women feel.

I see in your later post you say that you might be prepared to compromise on numbers, timig, etc. That is a good start. To be honest, I think your DH must feel under enormous pressure. That said, it is not like you are springing the idea of more children on him for the first time. You did discuss it before marriage and think DH should not demand you do not have another child. That is too draconian and selfish of him to say 'no more' given your prior discussion about having 'four'.

I wonder whether a solution might be for you to say you would like to have another child but then agree to stop at 'two' perhaps with DH having a vasectomy immediately after (if he wishes) so he will feel he is really in control his own fertility. You will really have to mean you will stop though. Then DH would feel less pressure and actually agree to DC2. It is perhaps it is only that he feels you are demanding to have 'four' just after the life changing experience of 'one' that is too tall an order and especially for a man.

I apologise, if I have spoken too firmly and readily accept that as a man I cannot know the raw emotion you have. However, this real life experience of mine might put a bit of perspective on it.

I never thought I would have any children because DW was literally 24 hours from a hysterectomy to save her life. It was cancelled at the last minute and she eventually becamse well enough to have DS1 and DS2. As I write this I also have tears in my eyes. The thought of holding DS1 and then DS2 in my arms for the first time when I thought I would have absolutely nothing evokes a powerful emotions in me too.

Now 6-8 years later, I have a lovely family of 2 DSs and have never been happier with DW. Perhaps, if you and DH could set that kind of happy 'life outcome' together as your target, rather than 'four' children, that might be something DH and you could feel happy with?

I do definitely think you and DH should give DD a little sister/brother very soon though. Our DSs are 25 months apart and it works well now they are older (9 and 7).

All the best and hope it works out.

Actually skihorse I AM the breadwinner!! I work fulltime, two days from home and the rest outside the home. I received full paid maternity leave for 6 months and when now that I have returned to work our baby is with my mother for 3 days and with me or DH on the other days. DH is studying, which is something he has always wanted to do and something I am funding. I make pretty good money, but yessum I do understand the stresses of being responsible for a family .

I would never "trick" him into fatherhood. I agree that that is not really a mature way forward! I think I will take the excellant advice to give him time and keep being honest. ABetaDad I don't think I would encourage a vasectomy ... but I will definately listen to his feelings and wants and hopefully a compromise can be reached.

this marriage palava sure can be tough work!