After a recent virus ds (5yrs) is playing up in the evenings and not going to sleep. At first it was because he was genuinely unwell but now, 3 weeks later, I think he just likes the extra attention, he usually sleeps really well. Tonight he kept getting out of bed and h was getting really cross, I heard him smack ds 3 or 4 times in succession so I rushed upstairs to stop him and asked him to let me put ds to bed. He refused, forced me to the ground and held me there, I had to push him away with my feet. I thought he was going to hit me but he didn't. h then put ds to bed leaving me crying.
The relationship is over and I just can't go on like this...I just don't know what to do next.
As a background to this:
My mother died in quite traumatic circumstances just a few weeks before ds was born and I really struggled with breast feeding in the early weeks after the birth. I just needed someone to love me and tell me it would be OK. As soon as ds was born h became anxious about every little detail, taking him to the Dr every 10 seconds, monitoring his every breath on the baby monitor etc. etc. h became extremely controling wanting to know exactly what I would be doing every day and requiring a blow by blow account of exactly what had happened every day. I felt like I was being interrogated and it left me feeling untrustworthy, furious and depressed. He beat me, on a few occasions when I disagreed with his views on parenting and stood up to him. As a result, I decided that I needed to go back to work just to regain some control over my life. h wasn't happy about this but at least there were parts of the my life where I wasn't answerable to him.
When ds was 18months old, h decided that he would change his job because he wanted to be closer to his family. Consequently we moved hundreds of miles away from all my family, friends and support network. I was told by h that I would not be allowed to work for at least a year. I really tried but I couldn't cope with the interrogation I got when h got home. The first question he always asked when he came home was, "has he had an accident?", then I had to account for practically every minute of the day. This included what I had fed him- I'm not allowed to give ds (any) chocolate! I don't know about anyone else but I found this absolutely bizarre as it shows a complete lack of trust. I wasn't even allowed to see the health visitor on my own. I could feel myself getting really depressed again I battled with h to let me take a job 1 day a week to allow me to hold on to my sanity. I've gradually built this up and have a job that I love 4 days per week and this is the only thing that keeps me going.
Over time h has 'taken over' more and more. He has not allowed me to put ds to bed, except on extremely rare occassions, for about 3 years. The two of them have an incredibly intense relationship and as a result I feel like an 'outsider'. I've never been allowed to be a proper mum, to be intuitive and to just get on with things. Only his opinion has ever counted and I feel so useless and I have failed my son. I have spent the last five years in mourning for what could have been.
Recently he's been going on wanting to have more children because he won't feel complete without at least two. I'd rather die than have any more and go through all that again.