Has anyone left their husband for these reasons.....

[blackberrywine]

that they just bore you, that you have no stimulating conversation left- no matter how hard you try- and that physically, he just doesn't turn you on any more?

We have been married for a long time and the DCs are almost left home.

I always had doubts about him but decided to give it a chance. I have been on the verge of leaving for a long time, but have always stayed for the DCs.

In so many ways I cannot fault him: loyal, kind, thoughtful ( mostly)good father etc. BUT he is VERY quiet and a loner- he has no friends of his own. I need people who can engage me and talk to me and interest me in their ideas about life and the universe, and who are a bit "edgy". I find him incredibly boring and prefer going out with my girl friends- we at least have a laugh and a good chat about life.

However, I know that breaking up would be like losing a right arm as we have been together so long. We would have to sell the home that we have put a lot of effort into, and quite frankly, I'd be poor compared to what we have together.

Ever cell in my brain tells me I should not be with him feeling as I do, but I lack the guts to do it- and to hurt him as he really loves me.

Anyone else been like this and gone through with it?

Must ad- have also tried counselling and all it did was confirm that I am not happy.

Blackberrywine, I remember your earlier posts, and it does fill me with sadness, to be honest.

I think you need to start doing things that you want during the weekend without your husband. If he cant suggest something, and you struggle to find something that you can do together, then how about saying (I dont know if you already do this)

George, I have booked myself on wine tasting classes the next couple of weekends, would you like to join? (Asking him to join is optional) But start by doing a lot of things on your own and see how you like it. You might meet plenty of people to HAVE interesting conversations with, and your husband might be happy to potter about at home. This way you can get to fulfill both your own needs and he gets to fill his, or alternatively see what he is missing out on.

I dont think you look to him to entertain you, but to be part of what you do for entertainment to a too large degree, if that makes sense.

Thanks BA.

I don't think it comes down to energy. It's simply his personality! He is becoming the proverbial pipe and slippers husband, whereas I am raring to go now the DCs have gone! I a much more spontaneous and would jump out of bed and say "Let's go here and do this!" whereas he has no imagination.

I am tending to see him as an affable companion, rather than a lover and a man who really turns me on- either mentally or physically.

Maybe this is what happens in a marriage after a long time, maybe I should be grateful for what I have.

In a nutshell, I want to feel pleased when he walks though the door each evening, whereas all I feel is a kind of heart sink.

"Maybe this is what happens in a marriage after a long time, maybe I should be grateful for what I have.

Yes, I think lots of marriages end up like this. And some survive and some don't. My parents (both in their 70s) went to the wedding last year of a female contemporary who had left her "pipe & slippers" DH of 50 years for another man, also in his 70s. She had been looking for a new man quite openly for a while and was vocal to all and sundry about how dull she found her DH.

blackberrywine - just my opinion so ignore if you like - I think you would be making a mistake to leave your DH.

My parents split up when I was 18, so similar age to your DCs. Just because the DCs no longer need to you look after them like they did when they were younger and they don't need to live with you anymore, it still creates quite a lot of problems. It's going to sound trivial as I am not very good at writing but anyway...who do you spend Christmas with, do you go as a couple to a graduation, does it create a problem with extended family...I can't really articulate it. Plenty of people will need to attribute blame - ie they cannot understand the situation unless they go through this sort of process. These people might include your kids. Certainly, I blame my father 100% for my parents' divorce. (But I will say that my mum is better off divorced from him and I don't regret them getting divorced - different situation - father violent and quite Hitler-ish).

The fact is, you are tied together forever because of the DCs regardless of whether you are married or living together. Your history, presumably is very long - this is an integral part of your life.

You say that re holidays etc that your DH has no input. I can relate to that, although we haven't been on holiday for a while as the kids are very little and we have spent money on the house...anyway...when we did go, we agreed that we wanted to go on holiday - but he had no idea where to go or what to do. So you just need to accept this and choose a couple of things that you think would be good - then you could give him a choice of the two (specific) things - see if he has a preference - if not, you choose! People are all different and I think this sort of "fault" can be accepted.

What will happen when you have grandchildren - could you see you and DH going out for the day with them etc etc? I sort of get the feeling that you think "family" life is finsihed/redundant because your kids are about to leave. Family life is not finished - it evolves.

I think his passiveness is not going to change if it has been going on this long. People are just different from eachother. You could perhaps get him to communicate more.

Crokky is right.

I just remembered the situation with my cousins wife and her family. It was very apparent at my cousins wedding. The parents of the bride was there, as was the fathers young son, by his second wife, a young woman he met and married following his divorce. The new wife was naturally not invited to the wedding. This was a day for the new couple to celebrate their love with their closest family there. Her parents were civil to eachother, the bride did not know her stepbrother very well, he was 6 years old to her 27.

Life enters a new stage with grown up children. There will be years where they will study/work, and they will have kids on their own, and still need their mum and dad. Parenting does not end at 18.

My mum left my dad a month after I left home. I was 18 at the time. She was not gone very long. I think it is quite common to re-evaluate your relationship and life together at this point in life.

blackberry - I am not in this position but DW and me have talked a fair bit about similar and related issue over the last year. Quite deliberately, we have made a decision to throw everything up in the air in the New Year and make some radical change in our lives. We have done this several times in the past and I do think it has refreshed our realtionship - not that it was bad.

Reading what you said, it seems to me that you and DH need to do something like what we are plannng - rather than separate. In other words, keep what is good and do something about the stuff that is not so good. This is a very telling part of what you said:

"when ever I ask what he wants to do with the rest of his/ourlives ..... I want to live a bit before it's too late."

I have a quite strong feeling that that life goes in phases, each lasting about 7 years. The period of grieving for a human being is about 7 years and also we have all heard about the 'seven year itch' after people get married. Also it is no surprise that children traditionally became adults when they reached 'twenty one' (i.e 3 x 7). It is that 'twenty one' year horizon you have now reached as your children have almost left home. Now you have reached the stage where you are ready to move to the next 7 year phase of your life and DH has not. The stable homely man you married was great while bringing up kids but you no longer need that. Now it seems you want some of the old excitement of the kind of men you found attractive but 'edgy' unreliable 'bastards' that you had before DH.

My view is that the only thing that will save this situation is something so totally catastrophically radical every aspect of DH's and your life changes. Sell the house and sail round the world, give up your jobs and start a business, emigrate and become missionaries.

Something so extreme that it fulfills the "I want to live a bit before it's too late" urge. However, trying to nudge DH into being more interesting whle still in his old life and job will be near impossible.

The question is "what is your crazy dream and can you persuade DH to come with you?"

you are all making valid points- which I have considered already.

I do acknowledge that parenting does not end when the DCs are 18, which is why I have held back doing anything until they are post GCSE, A levels, first year at uni, post-degree ( 1 DC) and so on...it could go on forever- when do you stop? When they secure their first job, their first house, their partners, their own children?
I have thought and spoken about the realties of Xmas etc etc- but none of these are good enough reasons to stay married. Millions of couples divorce and they just have to get through Xmas, weddings, grandchildren, and so on.

Radical changes? Oh yes- I have asked my DH to do this many times- but he won't as he is on a final salary pension worth a lot of money he will not throw in the towel.

My option is to do that myself- not divorce, but live my own life and travel, do charity work overseas etc etc. All possible.

But how nice it would be to have someone who wanted to do it as well- other wise, I ask myself, why are we togather?

You may have heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and it seems that your DH has a very high need to fulfill his Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging needs. That is what you found attractive when you were having children but now your Esteem and Self-actualisation need has become stronger. It is possible DH is fulfillng his higher Esteem and Self-actualisation needs through his work and sees your marriage as meeting his lower level needs.

Our needs on Maslow's hierachy are well known to change throughout life. The diagram in the link defines you problem. You are drifting up the pyramid and DH is stuck at the bottom. That is why you are finding it difficult to change him.

Perhaps an ultimatum may be necessary. If he feels he may in danger of losing you and that his Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging needs will no longer be met by you then he may have no choice but come with you.

I will check that out- it sounds interesting.

It may be that we are simply no longer compatible.

I admit that when we married my nesting instinct was very strong- and my biological clock was ticking fast. I did not ignore his "shortcomings" (in my eyes)but was prepared to take a risk.

I personally don't believe that you should use another person to validate your existence and neither should you try and change them.

What you can do is endeavour to open their eyes to other possibilities in order to explore new interests together.

If your DH is not open to new ideas, then go and be adventurous yourself and leave him minding the house with his pipe and slippers until you return. You may find that your abscence maybe the spark that stirs him from is complacent existence.

spokette - very well put.

I was going to suggest a 3 - 6 month break where blackberrywine can explore her own feelings/future perhaps by travel or taking a job abroad. DH could do the same while she is away.

My feeling that would be the much needed catalyst for change - for both.

I guess we have all seen Shirley Valentine.

My aunt left my uncle for the reasons you have listed. She summed it up by saying the 'zing' had just gone out of the relationship. They got back together because my uncle was devestated but split up for good (divorced) about five years later.

They would have been in their late 40s at the time and now they both have new parters. My aunt re-married and my uncle is living with a lovely lady in Copenhagen having travelled the world for a year after the divorce.

I think life is very short and if you feel you'd be happier starting again then you should do so.

I think Abi has a good point. As you say yourself, you shouldn't stay JUST because of the children - and certainly not after they've grown up and left. Sure, they still need you on some levels(and my mother tells me of a friend of hers who never got over the divorce of his parents, when he was something like 30) but they shouldn't be the sole reason you stay.

He should be able to summon at least a BIT of enthusiasm for doing interesting stuff with you. I appreciate the final salary pension thing, but if he's going to retire with a fat salary and do nothing but sit in an armchair, what's the point?

Have you actually threatened to leave? Maybe he just needs that kick up the backside to realise how dull he's become.

MrsM
to give him his due, he has always been very cooperative about doing anything I suggest; the crux of the matter is that he rarely suggests anything, and if he does, it is one of the two things in his "repetoire"!

I don't think that is really the point; it goes way beyond us just not doing stuff as that is easily addressed- we are currently taking turns at suggesting things to do at weekends.

No, if I am truly honest, I think it is more to do with sexual chemistry- which may be founded on a lack of emotional /intellectual compatability. I do look at him and think how/why did I ever fancy him?

We have had very frank talks with me threatening to leave and he has asked me for one last chance.

It is not a case of him doing anything "wrong"- apart from becoming a bit boring! No, it is more to do with me choosing aman who met some of my needs at the time, but who doesn't now that I have changed. whether we stay together as friends, with me trying hard to enjoy sex with him, or me moving on, I don'tknow. He won't entertain the idea of us living together and me having other relationships, - discussed all of that too!

Hi Blackberrywine - I thought I would give you the dc's perspective My parents divorced when I went to uni, after many many years in a stale relationship. My dad found a new wife and my mum has been travelling the world on holidays with with her 'bf' (60+ )

It was more painful to know your parents are unhappy and could be happy, than to see them making something of their lives whilst young enough to DO something about it.

Yes birthdays/christmases etc are difficult with grandchildren (especially as my mil/fil are also with diff people) but we make it work (4 xmas dinners in one week has been done before!!) and the thing that complicates things the most are petty things, and acrimonious shite.

That said, my parents' marriage was over, it wasn't a boredom thing, and I think if they still cared for each other and started to treat themselves with travelling etc etc then they could have had a happy retirement together.

However - if you are bored now, try retiring and being stuck with a dullard all day everyday - not good.

You obviously still care for him - I like beta's idea of shaking things up, even if its just you for 6mths volunteering - if you are working there are volunteer agencies around the world desperate for skilled volunteers to go in and teach their skills/help set up local projects etc!!

Alternatively put - Shirley Valentine ;)

You never know what is around the corner, my parents were looking forward to their retirement, they were going to do some travelling then. Sadly my father had a stroke 14 days before retirement and my mum has spent the last 7 years caring for a paralyzed man in a wheel chair. Not what either of them planned, hoped and dreamed about. Sometimes life is shit through not fault of your own. Sometimes, you can seize the day and grab some happiness.

Women start getting more testosterone after the menopause, and become all go-getty and zingy, whereas men's testosterone declines after 40 and they become softies who like pottering, gardening, etc.

I think you should give yourself a big slap! Some of us [cough] married an interesting, edgy bad-boy type and now LONG for a lovely, safe, sensible, predictable, doting husband who is set to retire rich! If you don't want your DH, I'd have him in a shot.

It's completely selfish to ditch a loving, good-provider DH because he doesn't chat much or dazzle you with ideas of what to do at weekends. It really is. You're a team: he provides your safety-net of love, money and reliability, and you can be the go-getty, imaginative one who drags him out to nude wine-tastings, or whatever.

Please put all your energies somewhere else something creative, or a full-time job and leave this good, sweet, safe, sensible man be!

I don't think you're being selfish, I think as you suggested in your last post BW, it's got a lot to do with the physical side of your relationship. Personally I think you sound like you have pretty much made up your mind anyway and you're looking for reassurance that you're doing the right thing. You know in your heart what you should do, just listen to that. Life's too short to be unhappy. Maybe he's unhappy too? Maybe the right thing for both of you is to go your separate ways?