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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

devastated and cant stop crying at finally putting an end to my relationship:(

23 replies

missylea · 07/06/2009 21:52

I am devastated but i had to finally put an end to my relationship. He has been emotionally abusive in the past and had talked me round to going to relate (which believe me is a big step for him as he feels there is nothing wrong with him) we havent been living together from xmas and we have ds together. i have 2 other dc from previous marriage. He has told me that he will never be responsible for my dc and that our ds is his only priority. We went to lunch today the first in a long time we have spend any time together and all he talked about was what he wanted to do in his future and not once in that conversation did myself or dc get a mention. I told him i didnt really see a future in us as he seems to want different things and we could never be a proper family as he would treat my dss differently
He said i was probably right and that this was a mutual thing and wants to do whats best for ds.
As i writing this the tears are rolling down my cheeks but i know in my heart that we could never live together as he is so moody and ignorant and it brings me down, so why do i feel so sad
I feel sick as i never wanted another failed relationship and i do still love him, although saying that in recent months i dont think there is anything about him that i could have said i really loved about him apart from the physically attraction as he is so grumpy, moody and rude.
Please help and give me so kind words of encouragement and please b gentle as i feel my heart is in pieces.

OP posts:

MaryBS · 07/06/2009 21:56

You know you've done the right thing, but you can't help loving him, there's nothing wrong with that.

Look at what you've said, and list them:

He has been emotionally abusive in the past
He has told me that he will never be responsible for my dc and that our ds is his only priority
he seems to want different things and we could never be a proper family as he would treat my dss differently
He said i was probably right
we could never live together as he is so moody and ignorant and it brings me down
dont think there is anything about him that i could have said i really loved about him
he is so grumpy, moody and rude

I loved a bastard too once, it will pass, and you will be stronger because of it. You are doing what any decent mum would do and putting your children's wellbeing first. It would never have worked with his attitude anyway.

Virtual hugs

Original poster

missylea · 07/06/2009 22:13

thank you mary. Hes trying to ring me now and starting to change his story. I was talking today about getting my dss a wee dog and he said that there is just small things that he couldnt live with in my home like a dog in the house! He will never have that a dog would be kept outside at all times. Its wee things like this that irritate him all the time. I never said i was getting one only that dss have been asking can they have one but i said that ds3 was still too young.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 07/06/2009 22:21

I don't understand - why does it matter what he thinks about whether you get a dog or not? if you have agreed its over and not going to work? are you saying that he won't allow you to have a dog in the house with his son?

Original poster

missylea · 07/06/2009 22:28

no i was just saying that the boys had wanted a wee dog in conversation today at lunch. Then when i told him this evening that i dont think we have a future together he said i think your right cause there is small things that makes he not wanna live here ie he brought up the conversation of having a dog.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 07/06/2009 22:43

Oh. right. Well it's not about what HE wants is it? You have decided he isn't the one for you because of the way he treats your kids.
He can think what he likes!!!

You know he's wrong for you and you don't even love him. It's just a bit of stubbornness in you that makes you feel like you shouldn't give up on this one. I understand why you are sad - another relationship has gone to the wall - but you have three lovely children and you are not prepared to put up with his crap. You don't sound to be doing too badly to me.

The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself and try to figure out where you have gone wrong in the past with men - then you can learn from your mistakes and find a relationship that will make you happy.

I have been where you are and finally I met the right man for me. but I got with a few proper frogs before I found my prince charming!

Original poster

missylea · 07/06/2009 23:04

Ah thats a lovely thought mrs boogie! Its so hard when he is texting now and saying if i get off his back and stop hassling him things could work between us. Its hard as i wanted it to work for my son and be a proper family and im afraid of letting him go and regretting it and maybe making a big mistake

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2009 23:14

Oh he sounds like a total tosser TBH.

mrsboogie · 07/06/2009 23:21

but we both know what he means by that. he means put up with my shite and abuse, accept whatever treatment I dish out to you and your kids. He means stop standing up for yourself and your kids. Make it easy for him to be the evil stepfather. let him dictate how your kids are second best to his and let them grow up being punished for having a different father.

But you are obviously not going to do that are you? You are strong and brave. He absolutely does not deserve to have you or your kids in his life.

mrsboogie · 07/06/2009 23:22

the only mistake you could make is letting him back in. You know that.

MadameDefarge · 07/06/2009 23:47

Oh Missy, you are grieving for the hopes you had of this relationship, and that is what is hurting. every time he says another thing that is unreasonable it hurts you.

But you don't want that pain, do you? Its just desperately sad that a man you had faith in had let you and your dcs down.

So I guess I am saying the pain you are feeling is not about losing him but about losing the hope in the future with him. As long as you can assign the feelings the the emotionally real boxes, you will be ok.

MaryBS · 08/06/2009 07:35

If you let him back on his terms, he will take control of your life, for the sake of your children, you can't do that.

Only you can say for definite whether this can be worked through with him, but you have to be very sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.

He sounds like a control freak and as he didn't end it, its going to bother him. Truly, I think you are mourning something that never was.

Original poster

missylea · 08/06/2009 14:54

I think your totally right marybs i am wanting him to be something that he isnt. He texted last night stating that if i get another guy they would be nowhere near our ds and he would make it difficult for me if another man was around our ds. Ffs that is the last thing on my mind at the minute. I think its cause he isn't in control of this situation and i know he would make life very difficult for me. On one hand he is saying things like this and on the other he is inviting me out and wanting things to work out. He says he can easily be easy going and not say anything but that is nonsense if he could it would of happened already but of course its because of me being on his "back" that makes him totally unreasonable and that i have ruined whatever relationship he had with my dc as i have went against things that he's said.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 08/06/2009 15:35

yes he is a control freak and is clearly annoyed that you are not acting like the puppet he wants you to be. it will be bothering him big time that you had the balls to put and end to the relationship.

When he send you texts like those - simply reply and say "are you threatening me?"

Try not to play into his hands by reacting to his mind games.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/06/2009 15:59

Just keep contact with him to a minimum, and remember that couple-relationships are not compulsory, it's much better to be single than to be involved with an abuser or a pillock. He doesn't sound remotely appealing: did someone once convince you that any old dickwad is better than being man-free? Because if so, they were wrong. SInglehood is great.

Original poster

missylea · 08/06/2009 16:12

I hear what your saying sgb and i know your right i did the same with my xh and finally divorced him after years of pain and suffering and thats why i think im so hard on myself this time again cause i question is it me and he tells me that, even though all his "relationships" i say that lightly as he was shagging different girls at the same time, where all confrontational as he was used to getting and doing what he wanted and if that particular girl didnt like he would move on to the next. So he thinks that he has made this huge effort with me by being the "perfect" boyfriend but to me its just normal in fact its not even normal half the time the way he behaves.

OP posts:

AccioPinotGrigio · 08/06/2009 16:50

Oh missylea, I agree with the poster who said you are grieving for the loss of this relationship, which is really sad because by the sounds of it, it wasn't a great one.

Have you thought about having counselling on your own? You can go to Relate on your own. It might help you through this difficult period, keep you focussed on leaving him and stop you from taking him back.

Original poster

missylea · 08/06/2009 18:44

I am i know i am! I always said i wouldnt bring another wee baby into the world unless it was in a stable relationship and the dc had both parents there for support, as i felt so guilty about ending my marriage with my 2 ds as i felt i was breaking up their family but obviously we where happy apart from him and now it seems to be happening all over again but with someone else. I know, I know I didnt know this person long before i fell pregnant but I had been in a few relationships in the 6 years i was divorced and thought "this man is too good to be true" and its true I didnt even really know him as he only started showing his true colours about 6 months in but of course by then it was too late, i was pregnant and emotional and of course this was my worst nightmare being pregnant with 2 dc and being on my own (as i dont have close family). I kept blaming myself saying it was the hormones and things that he was saying i was taking the wrong way and then when ds was born i had pnd so again it was blamed on that but as the days have passed i have become a little stronger and more independant again and able to make decisions and see exactly what way things are! but its still hard cause i hoped and dreamed it would work.

OP posts:

nkf · 08/06/2009 18:57

He sounds like a big steaming pile of poo. And one day you will look back and wonder what on earth you saw in him. Right now, it hurts - of course it does - but believe me, he's a dud. Take care of yourself. Lots of good wishes to you and your family.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/06/2009 19:35

Missylea: look into some counseling for yourself so you stop picking knob-ends to go out with/live with/get PG by. At some point someone convinced you that you should be grateful for any kind of male attention, that it is vital to keep, please and properly service a man as the worst thing a man can do is go away, and that it's a terrible thing for a woman to be single, hence you are easy prey for cocklodgers and bullies. I see no good points to this man you have dumped, at all: were there any?

Eve34 · 08/06/2009 19:39

missylea - so sorry you are having a difficult time, you know deep down it is the right thing to do, but are sad for the lose of your DS father.

H left us about 8 weeks ago, I had 3 days I just couldn't function for the hurt I felt, after time, I knew it was for the best, he was lazy, rubbish with money, unable to put Ds or me first, selfish and a bit of a knob. I have realised that I am so hurt that I have failed my son.

I will have that for the rest of my life, I promised my self that my children would not be brought up like I was (parents seperated) but it has happened, but I will ensure that he remains happy and well balanced, and that it is H that has done this too us, not me.

You will move on, stay strong. x

Original poster

missylea · 08/06/2009 19:49

thank you for all your replies. eve i know where you coming from, I was put in a situation as a child where I lived with my grandmother and when i went to visit my mother her h walked out of the room and ignored me and i swear to god i said i would never let that happen to my dc where they felt they where second best. The other day my dss came home from staying with their day and as soon as they came in he got up and said i have to go now i have work to do, He made it so obvious, I was furious! Thats when i really knew deep down that there is never gonna be a future between us as he will never except my dc and thats so so sad cause they did think the world of him and are really good boys.

OP posts:

Eve34 · 08/06/2009 22:28

Stay stronger your children you are a great mummy and your children will always love you and be loyal to you.

Original poster

missylea · 08/06/2009 22:31

thank you eve. They are very kind words and words i will read over if i have moments of weakness. x

OP posts:

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