Think I've moved in with a complete control freak

[MLCMobile]

I belong to a martial arts club and my DP has recentlty tried pursuading me not to go. "You look ill/tired ... we could have a BBQ instead tonight ... We could get a few drinks in and watch a movie instead...." etc etc

He has made it clear that he doesn't like some of the men that train there and insist that they fancy me.

Anyway today I had to go on a training course with the club. He tried his best to stop me going but I told him I had to. (I didn't, I just wanted to).

Anyway, whilst there, we decided our next meet-up would be in the pub for a few drinks ... make it social as well as training.

I told DP and he went in a right mood. Said he hoped it would be a weekend when my kids were with their dad as he "didn't want all 3 kids all day on his own" (one is his).

I told him if it came to it, MY kids would go to their grandmother's. So he said "well, you can't drink as you'll be driving" I told him I'd be getting a taxi ... he went on about wasting money.

Anyway, I'm going, regardless. So he's in a mood.

Anyway earlier I put the kids karate suits in the wash ready for tomorow. The wash has just finished and when I pulled them out, they were covered in FRESH mud. Smeared all over them ... nothing else in the washing machine was effected, just the karate suits. Is it far fetched to think DP may have done this whilst I was in the shower? (as that's when the cycle finished). He thought my suit was in there too but it wasn't. When I questioned him, he stuttered, looked guilty and kept going on about "how strange" etc

AIBU to be concerned about how far this may go??

Thanks for the replies. He just seems to changed so quickly only weeks after I moved in.

When we first got together he was "shy", "sensitive", loving, adventurous ... wanted to be out doing something every day, wanting to be staying up late watching movies etc ...

Then I moved in and in 4 weeks he's totally changed just as I have given up my house for good.

He's moody, constantly snapping and shouting at the kids (his, as well as mine) ... he sits there falling asleep mid-day, he's started going to bed around 10pm every night ... he never wants to do anything, never wants ME to do anything ... I've made a terrible mistake, I know and now I feel trapped here.

Yes. very good point about listening to your gut instinct. I ignored my instincts.

Shortly after I got together with my x, I remember I had a dream that I was going down to the bottom of a dark sea in a diving bell. It went to the bottom of the ocean. It was some kind of submarine thingy, and I could sort of breath but I felt pressured, stifled...! I didn't interpret that dream correctly until many years later. And the thing is, I woke up from that dream in a cold sweat. THere could have been no clearer message and I ignored it. [tongue in cheek in a durr] emoticon

Listen to your instinct and trust your initial gut instinct. Listen to the bit that comes BEFORE the "but what will people think" or "we can't move again" or "it saves us money living together" or "will I meet anybody else"... LIsten to the bit that comes BEFORE.

You're not trapped. It'll be hassle getting out of it. But do it now before he saps you of all your energy and positivity.

Sorry if I seem melodramatic.

My x seemed (to me) solid, reserved and traditional and gentlemanly before I moved in with him.

I soon realised that that was inflexible, moody and chauvanistic.

Other worse traits came to light with every passing year!!

My advice is to apply for council housing - and say that the relationship you are in is untenable (say that you think you/your kids are at risk if possible)

You are not trapped, there is a way out
If you stay with him though and allow this to continue I suspect things will get worse

Im guessing he was nice, loving etc to 'catch' you, now you are there he doesnt need to bother

There's nothing to be gained by staying. He behaved in a certain way to get you to move in with him and now he's not bothered hiding his true nature as he has "caught" you.

Really it's a pain in the arse but at least you are not married, you haven't any kids with him and there's no real ties.

I hope you didn't give up a council house to move in with him but even if you did - so what? you can move out into rented accommodation.

You know what's what - just do some damage limitation and move on.

Get out get out get out. Please do it now. I really don't want to be giving you support on MN in a few months after he's hit you. Please go now.

Have also read your other thread. Get out now.

yes get rid of him he is trying to control you sorry to be so blunt but life is miserable with a control freak and he will never see it as a problem it will be all for you own good he will say. run run run it is only the start it gets worse

just reading rest of the thread i didnt think anthing of it either i also thought maybe hes right in what he says. im not going to go through my whole story but it wasnt till i read on here i thought that sounds familer and someone had givin a link to an abuse site i relised it was my kids and me this was happening to!limited money had to account for every penny had to walk to places to save money didnt have mony to take my kids out i was deppressed stuck in the house all day couldnt go out he would phone all the time controll whatt my kids ate no friend were allowed to call for them he bullied my kids and even told me i would have to leave MY place if we split he would still say he didnt do anything wrong my list is endless honest it wont get better leave him

Ive read your other thread about his controlling behavior.. you know the answer.. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW!! He will get worse and more abusive and controlling. He sounds like a right twat to be honest and you need to get your kids away from that enviroment. Start posting about how you can leave as you do know its the right thing to do.The longer you stay the harder it will be

alisha29, these guys are text book. At the time, you think you're the only one unlucky enough to have ended up with such a nutter, and then, on MN you realise that they're a depressingly common 'type'.

My x told me to fuck off back to where I came from if I didn't like things. He banned subjects - such as me getting a job. He claimed he was sick to the back teeth of the subject. He controlled all the money, but wouldn't even let me get a weekend job. I said I had no pension and he said nor does half the country. He had a nice one though. He went through the visa bill (in my name unfortunately - which he paid after much hmming and hawing) and complained about what I'd spent. But he also used to open the fridge and complain there was nothing to eat and he criticised the dinner. I stood up to him and said that it wasn't a restaurant. Finally, things escalated, as they always do..... again, refer to the text book! Everytime we rowed, I got a rougher shove than the last time. He considered himself a man 'who wouldn't hit a woman' but he left finger-shaped bruises on my cheeks when he squeezed my mouth shut. He had his own code. Hitting? god no not him! , but squeezing me till my jaw ached and I had red bruises was so acceptable that he either genuinely forgets it or denies it (?).

Finally I did 'fuck off back to Ireland' and he tried to have me charged with abducting the children. Luckily I had evidence that he'd pulled me to the floor by my hair and punched me in my eye. That was the day I left. I had to leave owing #500 on the credit card in my name. He knew that if I ever left, it'd be with a debt. 8 years with a guy who owned a beautiful house and earned about 80k (he'd never tell me exactly) and I left with a debt! Years previously I'd tried to leave him, and when he bullied me back he took me off his credit card and made me get one of my own, so that if I ever left it'd be with a debt. I was MORE tied than before then. The promises he'd made disappeared into thin air as soon I was back.

OP if you're still around, this stuff creeps up on you. You think you can manage it cos you're strong....... you think you can manage it, reason with him, eventually all those energies go instead into denying how bad it is, maintaining a facade, hiding your unhappiness.

This man despises himself and you for being with him.

Get out now. You can't help him. You can't change him. You can become a victim of domestic violence and damage your children.

Stick around and he'll wear you down to nothing.

Stop posting questions along the lines of 'Is my dp a shit?' because we'll all say YES HE IS.

Start asking questions about refuges and getting a new home for you and your children and benefits.

well... don't be too hard on the OP for asking the questions. The process of 'realisation' isn't an overnight one, because she's in the eye of the storm. But it looks to me as though she does know that his behaviour is wrong and is just grieving the future she thought she was going to have.

I think the OP has her eyes open but she just doesn't like what she sees. I had these voices in my head 10 yrs ago (when I got together with the man who abused and controlled me) but I wouldn't have been brave enough to post the questioning voices on a forum). I don't think my concerns had even chrystalised into anything so solid so early on in the relationship. She can articulate her precise concerns very early on.

Listen to your instinct OP. Do what'll make you happy. Be happy. Don't worry about appearing to be happy or conforming^. cos if you stay with this guy, that'll be the most you can ever hope for.

OP please listen to MaggieBee and the other good posts here, there is loads of top quality advice and support.

You cannot stay with this man.