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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh cheated and dont know what to do

13 replies

ifeelsolow · 04/06/2009 10:49

Hi, I really dont know where to start and sorry if i ramble but am really upset. My DH had a month fling with an ex, there was no sex just met her a few times and text and chatted. I found and and have taken him back as I have 4 dc with him. His excuse was that he thought i didnt love him anymore and I didnt show him love. So I've started doing all that and offered to go to relate which he flatley refused and said that we are moving on and hes said sorry and that should be it. But its constantly playing on my mind what they did together as I never found out the truth. Last night i went on his social network page and found he added a lass he does know but said he added her by mistake and that hes deleted her when I was talking to him. I have just checked again and she was still there plus i noticed another hes added who profile said she wanted a nice time with some boys why would he add them and after I mentioned this kept the girl on there. I cant get in touch as he at work all day and I know if I ask him anyway he say it was a mistake but tbh I dont believe a word he says at the minute. Iam I being supid or would find this weird after all hes done. He only added them in the past week though. thanks in advance

OP posts:

Tamarto · 04/06/2009 10:56

I'm not sure what your H has done other than be friendly with some girls?

I take it he did more than just meet up with his ex for coffee and a chat?

dizietsma · 04/06/2009 11:12

Well, I think that you have to insist on going to Relate. If he's really serious about your relationship, then he'll need to deal with all the fallout of his affair and it sounds like he's not prepared to do that. As a result you're getting paranoid about his intentions with other women online, with good cause, I might add.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about his interactions with other women, you need to work it out properly. He betrayed your trust, then blamed you for it. He doesn't sound repentant at all. Relate sounds like the only sensible way to regain that trust, and you need to make it clear that wont just happen overnight because "he said sorry".

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be tough. But if you want things to change you're going to have to make clear boundaries and expectations with the termination of your relationship as penalty for not adhering to these boundaries and expectations. Otherwise he'll just take it as carte blanche to do whatever he wants, because he knows you'll tolerate his terrible behaviour.

HappyWoman · 04/06/2009 11:14

well whether he has sexually cheated or not he is not treating you with any respect.

Firstly do not be afraid of the truth or of losing him - with that little respect you would not want to keep him anyway.

You say you stay with him for the 4dc you have together - is that how you would like him to describe why he is with you.

You are not being silly - but you do need to tell him what he is doing is not acceptable and if he in anyway makes it out to be your fault then i would say you need to be really really tough and make him leave.

Sorry need to go now but will check in again later.

debs05 · 04/06/2009 11:32

Echo what Happywoman said. Take control of the situation, dont be scared to seek the truth.

Original poster

ifeelsolow · 04/06/2009 12:41

Hi, thanks for the replies. Tarmarto, yeh he did alot more than meet up, she told her husband that they give each other oral but when I asked him he said they never. They met afew times and kissed and hugged. I only found out as her h was trying to track me down to tell me, as he found out my brother in law no. first and told him everything. I spoke to the OW H the day I found out and all he was bothered about was telling me he'd an affair and she was just getting back at him. But he has changed his no so she cant contact him and the mobile he was using was in my name so I have all the time that he phoned her as if i wouldnt of checked as the phone bill that month was nearly £300. We have had some money probs and that the reason why we were arguing alot so he said a few weeks ago that you have to pay to go to relate and that we cant afford it, but will have to wait until he phones tonight as he works away. I just cant understand why he would add 2 girls who are only after one thing. I am with him because I love him and not because of the kids sorry if it came across as that. I thought things were getting better but every now and again I have these thougths about what happened and when. I did wonder for a while if he only got back with me as she didnt want him but when I asked a few days ago he said it was him that broke it off. I think if she were in contact with him I would get another call off her H.

OP posts:

Tamarto · 04/06/2009 12:46

Ok well in that case, if he is unwilling to take responsibility for what he's done then you need to think long and hard about what you want in life.

What would you say to one of your children if they were in this situation?

GypsyMoth · 04/06/2009 12:46

The trust has obviously gone as you looked at his page!
Trust can't be rebuilt unless you both work very, very hard...........he has since fobbed you off about relate, and added more girls. That tells you what?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/06/2009 12:50

If he loves you and wants it to work, he will do everything you ask of him, everything you need to help you to move on.

It's simply not good enough of him to expect you to just forget about it because he says so. He's already blaming you for it, when it's actually HIS fault and something he needs to take responsibility for.

And, sorry, but ime they will admit as little as they possibly can

"I didn't do ANYTHING"

"well, ok, since you've got the phone bill, I admit I spoke to her, but nothing else, I swear in the kids lives"

"Ah, you've found the hotel bill, well, ok, we shared a room that one night the bill is for - but I swear on the kids lives we didn't sleep together"

"oh, you've found the empty condom wrapper. Well, ok, we slept together once, - how many wrappers did you find? yes, just the once and I didn't enjoy it, in fact she MADE me do it, I was thinking of you the whole time"

"oh, you hired someone to follow me and you've got pictures, well, she trapped me into it, I have been going crazy with the guilt, it never would have happened if you'd had sex more/looked better/lost weight/paid more attention to me"

etc
etc
etc

If he won't cut contact, be honest and go to relate with you - he just doesn't care enough and isn't worth it.

GypsyMoth · 04/06/2009 13:40

Hecates........that made me laugh, but it's oh so true. Men will simply lie and make themselves look so weak and on it goes,tip they are cornered!

warthog · 04/06/2009 14:15

ifeelsolow, i think if you confront him with what you've found now, he may lie and deny any wrong doing and you will be none the wiser, plus he'll know to be a lot more secretive: change passwords, separate email account etc.

if you seriously suspect him of something, bide your time and build up your evidence. the more you confront him, the better he will hide things.

i'm sorry to suggest being so sneaky, and the reason i suggest doing this is because he doesn't seem sorry, isn't taking responsibility for HIS affair, and doesn't seem to think that he needs to regain your trust - it's all your fault and your issues. really, he needs a wakeup call. build your case.

HappyWoman · 04/06/2009 15:57

Hecates. Are you a man????
That is exactly what they all do. Lie lie and lie and the only truth you will get is what you already know.

You feel uncomfortable with him having female friends, thats ok to feel that, and totally understandable at the moment.
He presumably knows how you feel too - and yet makes the choice to ignore your wishes and in turn make you feel a fool for even doubting him.

This is not good.

My h at first did not comit to our marriage and carried on with ow, it was only once i made it clear that it was either my way or no way that he cut contact with her.

It has to be your way now - he has had his chance and if he still wants and loves you he will be doing everything in his power to do what you want.

So what if he looks a fool in front of some woman (they should mean nothing to him anyway).
You are the only one he should be trying to keep.
And any decent woman would understand if they knew what he has gone through and back off also.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/06/2009 17:36

no, but I've got one and 11 years of him has taught me a lot.

dizietsma · 04/06/2009 18:03

Relate have a slidng scale for payment, so not having enough money isn't really a good excuse. Particularly when the reason you don't have enough money is because of the phone bills he's been running up with OW. Make him sell something of his to fund it, if he's so very sorry, that'd be a test of his commitment!

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