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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What the hell do you do when you find that your dh/dp is having an afair via text messaging?

41 replies

endless · 03/06/2009 11:39

????
Defo nothing physical has gone on.
But is dodgy behaviour because he has been cagey with his moby, deleting messages etc.
how do you move on, how do you recover?

Any one been in this situation?

OP posts:
MrsLemon · 03/06/2009 19:07

Last year uncoverd a mass of deceit and several affairs. It was a complete and utter shock!

Totally out of the blue. I discovered a dodgy single text. A sudden gut instinct told me to look. It was a fleeting moment not something ponderd on before looking.

That dodgy single text made me suspicious. I didnt confront straight away. I decided to snoop. I know not everyone would approve of this but hey - you now know at the very best he has been sneaky behind your back.

What I am trying to say is that initial text I found led me to suspect my hubby may have been having an affair. Never ever did I think I would uncover what I did. Me and my best friend (the only person in RL I ever confided in) agonised over exactly when my hubby, doting Dad and Mr Family man would actually have the time for an affair. What I uncoverd over the follwing few weeks was horrifying. He had been leading a double life and shagging any slut willing to believe his cliched bull shit "My wife does not understand me" etc etc.

Much research on affairs has taught me that few men (and women probably) admit to the full depth of their deceit initially. They go into damage limitation mode. They may admit to flirty txts, even maybe txt sex but deny meeting, then eventually they may admit to just one meeting for a drink "but nothing happend" and so on until eventually bit by bit more and more comes out.

I know for a fact if I had confronted my hubby over that one text he maybe would have admitted to some degree of relationship with that woman but I would never have discoverd the others.

From what you say about the OW slamming the phone down - makes me suspicious. Why is she not trying to make you see nothing has happend between her and your OH?

Use this time to search everywhere. Don't let on you are still ultra suspicious. If he is upto no good he will be being extra careful right now because you have come close to finding out (IF there is anymore to find out).
Search cars, look behind panels, underseats. My OH hid condoms in a flap in the boot for changing the light bulbs in the rear lights. Wardrobes - search all pockets of any clothes. Even stuff he has not worn for years. They may hide that secret sim, mobile etc in a pocket. Look at your home differently. Where would you hide a mobile if you were having an affair. Then look. I know of a lady who discoverd stuff behind the bath panel!! Does your OH spend time in the garage/shed etc - if so when he is out go out and have good poke around.
Also start looking at his behaviour. What does he do when your on the PC or engrossed in the TV etc. Does he get up and leave the room? Where does he go? To check his secret mobile for txt? Don't follow him, dont try and catch him out there and then but listen or try and work out which room he is in. Then when he is in the bath or out - have a good look. I kept a little diary in secret and made notes of where I was and where he said he was etc etc . When I looked back over several weeks - some things didnt add up etc. Make notes of any suspicous numbers or texts your finds. list dates and times. It may not mean anything now but you may find something later that may make it add up.

I hope for your sake - you find nothing because there is nothing to find. But by being clever and little savvy - you may discover if there is anymore to know.

Hope this helps. I am 16 months on an it hurts like hell still. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.

Good luck.

newgirl · 03/06/2009 19:13

i dont have experience of this but at some point could i recommend relate? they are a brilliant way of rebuilding trust, and discussing painful things in a safe environment

brazenhussy · 03/06/2009 22:04

MrsLemon - what an excellent post!

I would be really really scared if I was someone trying to betray you.

Sorry that you still feel this way all this time later but if if is any consolation, I doubt he'd try anything like that again knowing how 'on the ball' you are.

abedelia · 03/06/2009 22:57

Mrs lemon - top tips. I'd add to check his bank statements and credit card bills - large cash withdrawal could mean a hotel was paid for. Does it tally with nights out? Is there a direct debit from his main account to a credit card you don't know he has? That sort of thing...

Check his internet history - if he has a google email account and you can get in, set up Google History (go into his account and it's an option. he'll never know) - they like to Google the name of their miserable cow.

Finally, get a cheap sim and call her pretending to be doing market research or with an offer from the local leisure centre or something... that way you can get her name and really start to find out who she is and whether it tallies with his little story.

talie101 · 03/06/2009 22:59

My exh was VERY clever... never used his regular mobile for any communication with the other woman... just works mobile (which he didn't often bring home) and more often than not, just his works email !!! I never had a clue apart from gut instinct that our relationship wasn't quite right.. but never thought for a minute it would be an affair!

When we reached breaking point, he admitted he had been keeping in touch with his ex girlfriend for 8 years behind my back, but denied ever having an affair. When I confronted her.. she too put the phone down on me... my instinct was that she wouldn't have done that had everything been completely innocent! SHE even told me in a text that I was completely crazy! The two of them nearly convinced me that I was....but after my divorce they got together officially!... Trust your instincts!

I wouldn't wish this on anyone... and hope this is not the case for you.. best of luck x

StirlingTheStrong · 03/06/2009 23:13

Abedelia - I like the way your mind works - very clever

abedelia · 04/06/2009 09:05

Wish I hadn't had to learn, though

I'm fairly sure some of us on the affairs thread could get together and runa pretty effective detective agency!

MrsLemon · 05/06/2009 22:45

Car mileage is another one to keep a tally on! It may not tell you WHERE they have been but may tell you if they are going VIA somewhere on their way to work/home and even what days if you keep a close regular eye on it. This with any other notes and info youi have gatherd could help things add up.

macdoodle · 05/06/2009 23:54

My XH showed me his phone openly and his bills - until I found the "secret" phone - they called it the "bat phone" - haha very funny - well jokes on them I have a wonderful new DP, and the skanky OW gets the glorious pleasure of my XH for as long as it takes for him to cheat on her and treat her like shit

pokeydot · 06/06/2009 10:15

reading this i could have written it myself about my dh this past month...

the main thing i did was i have a gmail account aand on there you can set it up to receive any emails that go to another email address (providing you have the details) so i set it up logged onto his account and obviously deleted the conformation email!! so now i can see what emails he gets and what he sends goes into my sent box first! i have the password etc to his online billing so check that everyday although i know he hasnt get her number anymore.

i know there has been no emails and texts since the night i found out and i know hes not clever enough or bothered enough to get another phone, so i know i can trust him for now, i think it helps that i understand why he did it

although today is the first time since (3 weeksish) they are working together but ive spoken to him and hes said she hasnt even spoken to him think shes turned it into hate tbh coz he finished with her for me.

what makes me more angry is she is walking round with her DH and 2DCs and i feel like shit! i want to bring her world down but wouldnt do that to her dh i would take my kids if i left but she would take his and its not fair on him i just hope he sees sense and leaves her one day!

sorry for digressing!!! just wanted to say that sometimes it does just stop straight off and depending on how serious it was and what made him so it it can happen.

sunburntats · 06/06/2009 12:37

That is a very good point actually, that she is walking around carrying on as if nothing has happened, but the wife is just falling to pieces physically and mentally on a daily basis since the whole thing came out in the open.

gagamama · 06/06/2009 13:03

You say you called her up once, so you must have access to her number. Text her yourself from his mobile. Say something vague like 'thinking of you'. If he is using a different mobile to contact her (especially if he used to use this number to contact her in the past) she will certainly respond to ask why he's using the old number. If he has definitely broken off contact, she will be equally suprised that he has contacted her at all. If you feel comfortable with this, it would be a pretty good way of finding out either way. (But obviously do it when he's at home asleep or something - you want to make sure he isn't texting her simultaneously from another phone, or heaven forbid, actually with her).

abedelia · 06/06/2009 14:34

Waking up at 3am or so and sneaking the mobile out of his jeans to have a ferret through is another trick. Even if he has a pay as you go you can check the balance regularly through this, and also the call time totals (most phones seem to have this function). I'm not sure about SIM readers - looked online and they have mixed reviews (you use them to recall deleted texts from the SIM card).

I'm sure another member of the Mumsnet Ladies' Detective Agency will be along to help with that one...

MrsLemon · 06/06/2009 17:36

Abdelia - you and I have obviously have alot in common.

It was my 3am wanderings that led me to discover that not only had I been sharing my marital bed with my husbad but also his secret mobile phone! He slept EVERY night with it safely tucked under his pillow!! I became a dab hand at removing it without waking him though to get the evidence I required!! Putting it back not so easy, but I just pretended to be ignorant to his horror in the morning when he took a sharp intake of breath at the realisation his secret mobile ha fallen on the floor beside his side of the bed!!

Sorry - going off on a tangent again.

Has anyone here ever used those sim card readers??? I came so close to ordering one but was worried about him being here when it arrived.

Someone else suggested to me that on a relatively new mobile phone there are few illicit words or names on the predictive text. My friend claimed the name of the OW was confirmed this way and knew that text sex must have been involved when words like anal and f*ck etc etc came up on the phone too. Have no idea if this is true to all NEW mobiles or not - perhaps someone can clarify???

critterjitter · 06/06/2009 19:42

Check car boot and under the car carpets.

whatdoyouallthink · 06/06/2009 22:59

Another one here who used to check mobile phones while he asleep in the early hours! Nothing was proved but did find the 2nd mobile phone while he was asleep next to me and a phone was vibrating on the floor and there it was in his trouser pocket! To this day he swears it was switched off and says I was 'snooping'. The texts on it were very interesting (and heart breaking) to say the least. Must say tho that even on the 2nd phone her number wasnt stored seems that although he never knew my mobile number off by heart (despite it being the same number for the past 5 years!) he knew hers. And he may have had 2 mobile phones but she had 3!!

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