Birthday Blues

[fatjac]

I wonder if I can have some opinions on this please.

Its my 40th birthday at the weekend. DH and I have been together for years and like many men, birthdays and anniversaries dont seem that important to him. But he knows they mean a lot to me.

At the turn of the year we were talking about it being my big 4 0 this year and I reminded DH of a hotel that I had always wanted to stay at. I dont have many friends or family and didn't want a party. Going away for the weekend seemed the perfect way to mark the occassion.

No more had been said so a few weeks ago I tentitively asked what, if any plans he had made re my birthday. Apparently hotel was full but he had booked somewhere else. The other hotel is 3 hours away and not the sort of place I had in mind so I suggested he cancel that and book someplace closer to home that we could also take the children. I said that we could go away on our own later in the year for our anniversary but for my birthday I wanted the boys to be there. I also didn't want to spend a large chunk of my birthday in the car.

Last week DS had to let Scouts know if he was avaliable to go camping the same weekend as my birthday. I asked DH had he booked anything but he hadn't YET! so I said DS should go.

Since then things have been a bit frosty between DH and I. He says he has now found someplace suitable and we can still go this weekend but I'm not sure I want to. I had a bit of a strop last night and pointed out that other people I know have gone to New York, Maldives, Bahamas etc for their 40th. All I wanted was a night at a particular hotel but as he hadn't booked it in time it wasn't avaliable. He of course pointed out that I had turned down his alternative.

So my choices are:

Do nothing stay at home have crap 40th birthday like all the rest. DS can go camping. Of course this would be me playing the martyr, cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Go away to spa hotel on my own(no friends avaliable). DS1 will go camping, DS2 with DH.
In theory this sounds good but in reality I think its a bit sad to have no one to spend your birthday with.

Go with DH and the boys even although DH has left it all till the last minute and not really put any effort in.

Sorry this is turning into an epic. I just cant work out if I should grow up and get over myself or if I am right to feel upset that yet again DH has failed to meet my expectations.

When you say you reminded your DH... what does that mean?

I would have had to at least put it in an email to DP, if not a small poster for the fridge.

Sounds like he has made some effort, and now you just have to forget about his initial shortcomings and enjoy yourself. Best champagne, good food and relaxing.

Hey Fatjac, I have to say that I NEVER leave anything to by DH to organise ! My 40th is in a few years and I have told him want I plan to organise it. His 40th was last year and we went to the Lakes, stayed in a beautiful hotel and climbed 2 mountains ! (his idea of perfect birthday).

If I left it to DH I would be disappointed. I am sure are lots of MNetters with very thoughtful hubby's, mine isn't, after 13 years I don't leave anything to chance.

I would go with your DH and boys, make the most of it. Then sort out the hotel you really want later in the year for just the two of you.
xx

Thanks for the replies.

Normally I am a really happy go lucky type of person but this has got me really down.

I always have to organise birthdays/christmas/holidays but I just thought with it being a significant birthday DH would have stepped up to the plate as it were. But you are right I should have known better than to leave it up to him.

It grinds you down after a while, doesn't it? I don't get birthday or anniversary presents either. I did for a while but they were so shit, it was better to make a 'no present' rule .

Sorry, you feel disappointed though. I know how it feels {{{{HUG}}}}

Normally I dont mind the lack of presents or attention. I dont equate gifts with love.

I think its just because I am going to be 40 and quite a few family and friends had a real fuss made of them by their partners on their 40th. I find it kind of embarrasing that DH hasn't planned anything for me.

Just a thought, but is there any chance that he may be planning a surprise for you?

You haven't given him much room for manoeuvre have you!

I think if you were so insistent on going to that particular hotel you should have sat down and booked it together well in advance.

Compared to the other dilemmas on here this is not on the scale. Sorry if that seems harsh but if you know his attitude to anniversaries you shouldn?t be too surprised really.

"Compared to the other dilemmas on here this is not on the scale. Sorry if that seems harsh but if you know his attitude to anniversaries you shouldn?t be too surprised really. "

I don't really agree with this... it's good to keep holding out hope for wonderful surprises and thoughtful gestures. If you're really resigned to the fact that your OH will never do anything nice for you ever again that's a bad place to be.

We all have tiny hopes and expectations that even the most long-standing or unbreakable habits will change one day - that's all part of loving someone.

If you had your heart set on one hotel then you should have booked it.

Given the fact you have kids etc and presumably going away is a big undertaking, it needs you both to plan it.

It is a shame that your DH is crap at birthdays, but at least you already knew that. I think you should say exactly what you want, or even sort it all out yourself and ask him to pay for it.

If it makes you feel better in front of your friends just say that he surprised you.

fatjac I know exactly what you mean. My dh, although kind and generous and in most other ways pretty damn good, is absolutely hopeless when it comes to remembering birthdays/anniversaries etc.

With that in mind, I organised my own 40th birthday trip to Prague and then just demanded sweetly asked for his credit card. (He did know all about it btw- I didn't just spring it on him!)

But I still hold out a teeny, weeny bit of hope that one day he might surprise me.

Don't stress it. The more you focus on it the harder it will be for anything to live up to expectations.

Book yourself in to a spa for the day. Get pampered rotten and book a show/dinner for the evening. Tell him to scrub up and be home early from work with a bunch of roses and a pre-requested present.

I'm not surprised things are frosty. you told him other people go to New York after he tried to rectify the situation? So he's crap at organising, you know that, he's your bloke. It just doesn't sound nice. Sorry.

Hawkmoth - we'll have to agree to disagree on this one I think, but her husband not booking a hotel simply doesn't compare to some of the things people are going through.

Upsetting, yes, but life-changing? No way.

SueMunch... I'm sure it's one of the things that adds up over the years and gets you to the end of your tether. Make-or-break comes in many different degrees

Point taken Hawkmoth - I can see how it would wind you up! Peace between us then!

Well i'm glad you two have made up.
I do realize compared to some, this is fairly trivial.
The point is that it is a big deal to me and more to the point DH knew it was a big deal but still didn't do anything about it.

Anyway DS has gone camping and I am at this moment in a rather posh hotel drinking overpriced but very nice wine whilst listening to some lounge music. Going to stay up to twelve, toast my birthday with some Bolly, go to bed and sleep till late.

Yay for Bolly!

The turning point for me was when ex-DH was the only one in a room full of our friends who didn't laugh at my wildly funny and inappropriate eunuch joke, then scowled at me for being lewd. That's nothing in the great scheme of things, but it made my mind up!

BTW, I can't remember the joke.