sex life and trying to get pregnant

[roundincircles]

I'm 29 and have been massively broody for about a year, coincidentally ever since I realised we were finally in a sensible financial position to start a family.
DH is a year younger than me and to begin with just got stressed and angry when I told him how broody I was. I said I didn't want to force him into a decision, as I didn't want him to resent any child.
so I waited, admittedly getting upset sometimes but mainly keeping it under wraps so as not to put him under pressure.
He said he would be happy for me to come off the pill in October, and I did so, but brought some condoms and said if he wasn't ready he could use them until he was. He used once but said he didn't like using them so took it off half way through
Since then we have had sex occasionally, and nearly always when I initiate (only time he seems to initiate is when he is drunk).

I have told him, about monthly, how upset I am at the lack of sex. He says its not that he finds me unattractive (although I have put on about 1/2 a stone - gone up from size 10 to 12, I'm ok about this but trying to ge fitter), and he says he does want children although I think part of him isn't quite ready yet (but he won't admit that to me). But I feel trapped. I feel worried that its because he knows I want sex all the time and its become a turn off for him/ a power trip to turn it down.

I don't know how to resolve this and I feel trapped. I have no way of knowing whether I have a fertility problem or not, as we don't have sex often enough to have much chance of getting pregnant (maybe 4 -5 times a month. I feel like time is slipping away, and that his behaviour is hurting me.

any sugestions how to break the circle?

It sounds like he's basically equating having sex with having children. Is he really ready to have children, or do you think just saying it to make you happy? If I was you I would sit down and have a big conversation about this. To me it sounds like it's all about whether he's ready yet - or even if he really wants children.

Good luck.

Btw please don't worry about fertility issues yet. Even after some big problems with miscarriage and other stuff, I had ds at 37 and am now 39 and expecting dc#2. You've got plenty of time biologically!

have tried the big conversation so many times (well, try and limit to once a month or so, as i'm conscious it just puts pressure on him). every time he says he does want children. but I can't help thinking taht if he did want children he would be wanting regular sex (now that I have got it through to him that, unlike they teach you at school, it can take quite a lot of trying to get pregnant!)

cheers for the encouragement on fertility issues , its just hard not even having the chance to know if there's a problem and get it sorted!

just to add, I agree I do think he might be saying he wants them to make me happy (even if he won't admit that to himself let alone me). I moved out of London and up north to be with him when we got married two years ago, and when we discussed doing that I made it very clear that I would want children, and to start trying within the next couple of years, and said that if he didn't want to start a family in that time frame then he owed it to me to be honest so I could make an informed decision about giving up my dream job for one that was a step down.

he assured me then that he did. but I do worry now that he just said that because he wanted me to move to be with him.

it does sound a bit like he is going along with it to keep you happy but something is holding him back.

If I were you I would try to find out what the problem is before conceiving, as whatever his issue is, it may get worse when you are pregnant. Having a baby will put a massive strain on a relationship at first and will change things pretty much forever so you need to be sure he really wants it. Does he like/know any kids? are there any unresolved issues from his own childhood that may be subconsciously lurking in his brain? Could he be worried about whether he will be a good dad? is there stuff he wants to do that he might not be able to do if you had a baby?

I wouldn't worry too much about fertility in terms of yur age - you still have plenty of time. Of course if you did have an actual fertility problem then it might be a bit more pressing.

But if he isn't quite ready it would be better to wait until he is. You could try not mentioning it for a year and see whether he raises the subject. You could also try asking him what the first words are that come into his head when you say the word baby - that might be quite illuminating!

You could be me a year ago! I was broody, DH was not. He said he wasn't ready, I got upset and every time we tried to talk about it it ended up in a row.

So I just left it. I didn't mention babies AT ALL unless he brought it up, and then I would be non commital and just say things like "when the time is right, I know you'll be a fantastic dad".

Anyway, a few months ago, he just suddenly suggested that I come off the pill. So I did.

I think men firstly don't like to feel like they are being brow beaten into something, and secondly, just need a bit of time to come round to things.

Good luck!

Try tellin him you think 32 is the best age to have children, and take all the pressure away for a while. Less pressure may make all the difference.

thank you for the advice,
ozziegirly, I'm glad to know i'm not the only one who's been through this.

I thinking hard about your suggestions that the only solution is for me to take all the pressure off, but...
wouldn't I essentially be lying? I mean, I do really want children, and I do really want to be trying now...
and, if we wait several years for him to be ready, and then its really hard (Which it may be, I clearly don't get pg at the drop of hat, as haven't during last 8 months or so)... I think I would seriously resent him, especially as I was so honest with him all that time ago. I'm sorry, I'm not rejecting any of your advice, its just going to take a lot of chewing over, and it doesn't sit comfortably with me yet.
has anyone managed to do anything other than sit it out and wait for him to come round?

it can take a normal, fertile couple a year to concieve.
my friend has 3 girls, one after 9 months ish of trying, one after IVF and one at the drop of a hat...
instead of asking him, who you cant be sure about, do some soul searching of your own, would you be happy to live without children?
to leave the relationship and start again?
buy an ovulation kit and make a more concentrated effort?

I don't see why you should leave him to come around to something he agreed to and that you have sacrificed personally to make happen.

The next conversation should be the last one on the subject - either he starts acting like a loving husband, you go to relationship counselling to figure out his lack of willingness to have sex with you, or you are going back down south to resume the life you loved and gave up for him because he lied to you.

You're only 29. Make a decision fast and leaving shouldn't jeopardise your chances of ever having children. Do you still want to be with this man in five years when you really will be starting to feel desperate? If he's playing power games with you over this now he will just get worse as your options narrow. Call his bluff and remind him you have choices just like he does.

Or just skip the middle bit and next time go for a man who doesn't just tell you what you want to hear to "keep you happy" whilst really stonewalling you so he can keep himself happy at your expense.

Well personally I would never have left my husband. By the time you meet someone else and establish that relationship your DH would probably have come round to the idea anyway.

If I found out he couldn't have children I still wouldn't leave my DH. But each to their own because I know how important having children is to lots of people.

Why don't you try just taking the pressure off for a few months, enjoy being together, maybe take a trip somewhere romantic, do all the fun things you won't be able to do once you have a family. Then if he still doesn't seem interested, maybe it's the time to start discussing counselling etc.

And I don't think it's lying - it's just a way to allow him to come round to the idea without feeling pressured. It almost certainly won't take years - I would say it took my DH about 6 months to come around to the idea, and in that time we moved house, went on a fab holiday, had lots of weekends away, meals out etc, so it was really enjoyable.

Please bear in mind that he's entitled to NOT want children. His opinions and feelings are as valid as yours. It does sound a little bit as though you are the one who decides what your relationship is going to be and overrule any objections he makes.

Of course he's entitled to not want children, but if he's changed his mind about wanting them (and only after she has uprooted her life and left her job on the understanding that they would start a family ) then he needs to tell her that.

This isn't a man whose wife is just bringing up the idea of having children for the first time and who isn't ready, or isn't sure he wants kids. This is a man who has let a woman make massive life decisions based on his willingness to have children, which he has now (possibly) withdrawn.

He's entitled to change his mind about having children, but the very least he could do is actually discuss what is going on and give this woman a chance to change her mind about being together if the terms have changed.

You can't wait for someone to "come around" to something they claim to want but do everything to sabotage. He's not being honest or fair. This needs to be sorted and soon.

roudincircles - he either wants to have children with you or he does not. As SolidGold says he does have the right to not want them but he has to make it clear wht his intention are not messing about like this.

It sounds like you have given up a lot of your former life to move North and yes you do only have a limited time to have children. I know from personal experience it can be very difficut for a man to have sex 'under the gun' when it is calender scheduled every day at certain times of the month if TTC but that is not what is happening here. He is having sex with you 4-5 times a month and does not initate much and it needs to be more often to have a good chance of conceiving.

It strikes me he needs to be totally frank with you. For goodness sake do not force him into having kids or in any sense try to trick him though. You need to know the truth.

H and I got married when I was 26 and he was 23. We agreed we both wanted children at some point, and that we should think more seriously about it after being married 3 years (when I was 29). I knew already that I probably had PCOS and had an idea it wouldn't be easy to get pregnant. I came off the pill at age 29 and starting charting, only to find I had quite irregular cycles and didn't ovulate every time. We still used condoms for a while since he decided he 'wasn't quite used to the idea' and he tried to talk me into waiting two more years. The GP told me we needed to start trying straight away because of the long waiting lists and age limitations for fertility treatment.

H and I had sexual compatibility problems even before this, and TTC made it even worse. He was happy with 1-2 times a month (if that, and I had to initiate), and given that I never ovulated on the same day of the month (if at all) we had basically no chance of conceiving. Still, my GP sent us for fertility investigations and we carried on like this for another year and a half. No one ever asked how often we had sex---the problem was supposedly all me (his sperm were fine, just not where they needed to be!).

Finally, aged 31, I woke up and realised I was fighting a losing battle. H did not want children (at least not any time in the near future), and if by some miracle I did get pregnant, I would be stuck doing everything as he was far too absorbed in his work and social life. I was so resentful and angry--I moved to another country for him!

I told him almost exactly two years ago that the marriage was over. I met someone from my office straight away, and feel unbelievably lucky because after a few months together we knew it was permanent and decided to stop birth control. It took a year to get pregnant, I miscarried, and then got pregnant again a few months later. We got married in January and baby is coming in August.

It is a HUGE difference being with someone who wants children, whose actions show that he likes them (smiles and waves at toddlers, coos and makes silly faces at babies). XH wouldn't even touch his baby cousins, and was awkward and aloof with his goddaughter and our friends' children. My friend never forgave him for refusing to hug her 3 year old. I am so glad we were never successful and that I have this opportunity now to be with someone who really wants to be a full partner in all of this!

No advice here really, I'm certainly not saying 'dump him'. But I know how it feels to feel trapped, pressured for time, and like there is a power struggle with regard to frequency of sex. You say you have no way of knowing whether you have a fertility problem or not, but that's not necessarily true. You could start charting your temperature and see if you ovulate regularly--that's where I would start.

geez, I wrote a friggin' book, sorry about that!

just a quick one, to say thank you SO much for all your thoughts etc, they have helped me to start thinking about this from every angle etc and to not feel ashamed of some of my feelings /worries. am doing a lot of thinking and also more talking with DH....