Anyone else have a DH who just won't talk to them?

[BodenGroupie]

Been together 25 years, married for 23, grown up DSS no longer living with us, 2 fantastic teenage DDs. Don't quite know how we've survived as long as we have, tbh. He is a very heavy drinker and smoker but in denial - asleep most evenings by 8pm - snoring away as we speak. He is ten years older than me and seems to have aged at top speed the last few years. DDs have noticed his drinking and his temper. He seems proud of them but not really interested and doesn't seem to be able to retain any information about their lives, which they find very frustrating. Money is a huge issue because he won't stick to a budget - if he wants drink or fags, he just raids the current account and I have to deal with the consequences. He goes out two or three times a week, often saying he's at work but I have spotted his car in the pub and he stinks when he gets home.

I work full-time and get very little help from him - he seems to think the DDs should do everything . I've tried making certain jobs his but whilst I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, financial stuff and gardening, he just obsessively and angrily cleans the kitchen sink! He asks me to make him lists for things like DIY then he just ignores them and I feel like I'm nagging. Even the most minor thing like following up a quote for some work that desperately needs doing on the house, he won't cooperate so I end up doing it myself. It's like dealing with a strong-minded toddler.

He seems to have no respect for me but towards other people he is very gentle and kind. I sometimes think he actively dislikes me and he seems to have given the impression to friends that I control him completely whereas I feel I'm just trying to keep home and family together. I have tried for years to tell him how unhappy I am and he just shouts "well if you say so it must be true" and walks out. I've tried writing down how I feel - "I didn't know you felt like that" - but nothing changes.

I think I may have come to the end of the line - no way would he go to counselling because he says we don't have a problem and he doesn't have a drink problem .

Just don't know what else I can do.

well its funny how many will go t o counselling if they love you and its really the end of the line.

if you don't trust yourself to make it the end of the line - then he probably knows it - so why go - he can carry a=on as per.

its up to you - married a long time - im married 20 long years and its a fucking slog to make it work - we have been to counselling and dh was previously the type that thought only hippy wussies do that shit - until crunch time.

can't tellyou to leave him - its a lifetime - and its the most frightening thing in the world

Oh dear, Custardo, you always say sensible things and it's made me cry.

We've been together more than half my life and I don't have a problem with being alone, but just occasionally I get glimpses of what he can be like but most of the time he just treats me with total disrespect. I think he'd see counselling as just something else he could avoid to piss me off.

He has a good life with us and I think he needs a damn good scare to make him realise what he's got to lose, but I don't know what to do.

I guess you have to ask yourself; are you prepared to settle for this for the rest of your life?

If you're not then you can issue the ultimatium, counselling or it's over.

oh no darling! don't cry.

it seems that any sensible solution he would just ignore.

so i don't have any wise words at all.

i'd like to say something like - make a structure to the evening - eat tea - share washing up - go your own seperate ways to do whatever and come together at 9

but in reality - if you don't have the bottle to leave ( completely undertstand) then the only opther option is to forge ahead with your own life. thing on - what do you want to do.

i'm 37 and started drum lessons last year - fuck it.

so go on - think on - anything - gcse in sociology to line dancing - taje your pick - becuase he spends more than that in the pub. so get your own account transfer 50 quid a fortnight and knock yourself out - make your life as good as you can

I think that's what's frightening me - my youngest is 13 and life seems to be moving so fast she'll be gone in 5 or 6 years. I know I won't want to be here with him then. DDs are really good company - he seems to live in complete isolation from us and and he's happy for it to be like that.

Perhaps when they move on it will be the right time to move on yourself?

The structure thing is what I've been trying to achieve forever. I love cooking, as do DDs, we always eat together every mealtime. He then leaves the table and falls asleep on the sofa for the rest of the evening. When he wakes up he starts shouting cos no one's washed up having made no contribution to the meal. I spend the evening pottering around or with my girls (or on MN...)

We've always had separate accounts with our "pocket money" as well as the joint one but if I spent the way he does we'd lose our home.

I don't know how to leave or make him go but I can't take the lack of respect much longer. DD1 commented the other day that she feels she's in a family with a single parent and a waxwork.

There's the added financial issue of how does anyone cope on one salary - house prices here are ridiculous and we've lost a lot of equity recently.

CarGirl - I think you may be right.

go to the CAB they will be able to give you information.

If you divorced then you should be able to stay in the home until your youngest is 18 before you have to sell it to split the equity.

I would encourage you to think about fixing the marriage or ending it because your dc are living with a very poor example of how a relationship should be and don't you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected?

You're right, CG, I don't want them to think this is normal and I don't like the fact they are exposed to his drinking. Not that he's violent, but it's difficult to teach a 15yr old moderation when it's not what she sees at home.

Have to go now, DD1's turn on the pc, but thanks both for listening.

Come back and talk it over again whenever you want.

BG- Sorry to hear about this. You sound like a very good and tolerant partner. If respect is a big part of the issue then you have to put a stop to it by threatening to take action and carrying through with it. I would present him with the two options: wall the great things that you will continue to do if he does the things that he should do. The second option is the split. Try to execute it all with great calm and control. Important that you feel in control. This is a huge task emotionally and practically so you will need some support from friends/relatives. If you don't already do so take up some exercise to give you some natural endorphins.

Don't let staus quo continue as you will end up very sad and bitter. I hope very much that he responds positively. kind wishes

hi bodengroupie, my situation is very like your own , my dh is 9 years older than me , the first thing he does when he gets home is reach for a drink , we have a 10yr old ds & 3yr old dd , like your dh he is asleep on couch by 8pm most nights , we have been together 17 years married for 7 . he hardly ever plays with the kids , & if i nag him over his drinking he tells me I'm the 1 with the problem not him i don't drink or smoke . my dh sounds VERY like your dh , he would NEVER consider counselling as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he does . if my 10yr old says anything to him like "oh dad are you drinking again" dh starts a row with accusing me of putting the kids up 2 saying it , ive learned 2 put up & shut up while he has drink on him , as he can become very nasty & call me horrible names 2 which he says he cant remember the next morning . he is a lovely husband when sober but in drink he changes completely .

Hi Pink, does sound extremely similar. Apparently it's me that has a problem because I don't binge drink - 2 small glasses last night compared to the whole bottle he drank last night. I think the alcohol is the root of the problem but he refuses to get help, he's totally in denial. I catch him drinking straight out of bottles of gin, sometimes as early as 10am. I do try to keep as little booze in the house as possible but he works in a hotel so it is readily available there. On the rare occasions he does our food shopping it costs twice as much as it should and he always "loses" the receipt. I hate the way his behaviour has made me feel like a control freak. He's turned me into a parent and completely abdicated any responsibility for our lives

bodengroupie , i know exactly how you feel , i had a row with dh yesterday , my sister invited us over for a barbecue as the weather was so nice , dh had plans of sitting out the back drinking in the sunshine all day like he had done the previous day he huffed & moaned at me the whole way over & every few minutes while there he kept giving me the hint 2 go home all so he could have a few drinks . he is finished work early again today & has warned me not to make any plans as he wants to enjoy himself ie- drinking again all day getting really fed up with it at this stage , like yourself my dh spends around ?40 - ?50 on booze every week
he shouted at me yesterday " who do you think you are my mother) all coz i asked him 2 go easy , what is really worrying me lately is he only picks at his dinner & its like the alcohol kicks in quicker coz he has an empty stomach . at my wits end

Feeling stronger today - have decided I will go to AlAnon to see what help they can offer and will tell him what I'm doing, which will be difficult.

We've actually had a really good weekend because I took the decision to rent a beach hut for a year (we're only ten minutes walk from it) so we've spent a lot of time there - unfortunately it still involved a lot of drinking but not the sleeping but it also meant lots of friends dropping in so I had company and he had to play nice!

Sorry to hear you're going through the same - this has been my situation since before the DDs were born, so I have really let it drag on.

Hi. Dh and I have been married 9 years and have two children age 6 and 3 years. Dh goes to the pub every night straight from work for a couple of pints and then goes back again later in the evening when he walks the dog ( not every night but many). He struggles to communicate and I feel generally unappreciated and disrespected much of the time. Last year I could take no more and we split for 6 months and he moved out. Stupidly I allowed him home after he convinced me things would be different and that it was best for the children for us all to be together. I have been a fool. I was happy for the first time when he was away and now I feel trapped again. We have a joint mortgage and he has made it very clear he won't move out. If I go and rent somewhere chances are he won't pay the mortgage and we will lose the equity we have the house. I wish I knew the answer.

Heck just realised this thread is 6 years old- I don't imagine op is still checking in on this one!