Saw wierd text messages, do I mention it and expose that I was snooping?

[GlassMonkey]

I don't want to get in to the reasons why I looked on her phone, but last night ... for what I thought was a valid reason, I looked at DSD's mobile phone.

I bypassed all the texts from her friends etc (as the first line of each message comes up automatically so you don't need to go into them all) but whilst looking for something specific, I came across something which I thought was really, really wierd.

Basically texts from her mother.

I KNOW I should not have looked but as I said, first line of message is readable anyway and the woman has a history of being a complete nutcase so the line:

"If he won't use a condom ... " was too much for me to ignore, especially considering the girl is only 12.

So I looked at the messages from her mum. Starting with a message saying she was date raped at 15 but "obody believes that stuff" and that when she got with her dad, she was using two blokes at the same time ... how men think they're using her but its the other way around ... how soon someone will want to have sex with DSD and he won't want to use a condom etc etc etc ...

I can't go into too much detail but these messages were ... IMO ... VERY ott for a 12 year old. DSD has been behaving VERY VERY badly lately and I'm wondering if her mother may have something to do with it. She tries to limit contact with her as much as possible.

My dilema is, do I tell DP what I found on his daughters phone? Am I over-reacting? Would you find this wierd?

Oh blimey. Yes, it seems weird and very inappropriate. But was she saying "if he won't use a condom then don't have sex with him" - I mean was the advice basically sound?

I really don't think there's anything you can do - I don't see anything will be gained by telling your DP. Just be supportive re your DSD and maybe engineer an "if there's ever anything you want to talk to me about.." conversation.

Personally I think you have to tell him. I have no experience of step children, and my own daughter is one so based on nothing except gut feel. hth

id tell your dp.... your a good stepmum and are obviously concerned for your little girl.... and she 12 a little girl. try and get her to talk to you, do it gently though ,as she might not understand what the text is about/why it was sent either?

On the face of it, the message sounds wildly inappropriate to be sent to a 12 year old, especially from her mother. The boundries in their relationship sound way off, and I would wonder how the mothers lack of judgement affects her parenting in other ways.

I think you should perhaps ring nspcc for some advice before telling dp, so you have some objective advice about how to proceed.

Would DSD think that the reason you were looking at her texts without asking was "valid"? If so, then I think you can risk being open with her and DH about what you've seen.

But if you think she'd react badly, then I think there's a risk that by admitting that you were looking you will damage the trust in your relationship, which will make it harder to deal with this incident as well as future stuff.

It sounds like she is already trying to distance herself from her mother, not surprisingly if she's being treated to ott info like that.

I'd maybe concentrate on giving her appropriate sex education and talking to her openly about issues around sex, contraception, STDs etc, just as you would if you didn't know about her mother's strange influence.

You could take the line of "I've noticed you're getting a bit older and it's important that you know about these things before you start feeling an interest in having a boyfriend". That way, you get these issues out in the open and hopefully she can then trust you as an adult she can ask for general advice.

I would also tell your DP. I would be livid if it was my child and my partner kept it from me. Whatever the background of the relationship with her mother, those kind of conversations sound a little inappropriate with a girl of 12, more so via text message!

However, be prepared for the fall-out with DSD. She may never forgive you for snooping on her phone.

Very difficult situation.

I think you should talk to your DP but not sure how best you coudl approach it.
The texts do sound quite worrying, with way off boundaries way IMO.

I think the advice to call teh NSPCC for a chat was good, perhaps they coudl help you find a good way to bring this up.

I agree that you have to tell your DP. Put yourself in his shoes. If he knew something like that about your DC and did not tell you, how would you feel.

Then you have to decide together how to handle it. It would be good if you could speak to someone from NSPCC before speaking to your DP so you could say this is what I found (and why you were looking - is it something that he woudl be ok with) and this is how I suggest we handle it.