I can't think, help!

[poshwellies]

I'm finding this very difficult.

Don't know what answers I'm seeking but maybe it's just carthatic for me to just let it all out.

It's about my aunt,who was very close to me when I was a teen,there's only 10 yrs between us-more like a older sister I guess.She was also there when I give birth to my daughter at 18 (14 yrs ago),she gave her her first feed when I was poorly after labour.We have drifted away in recent years, she is busy with her successful business and me,with my own family.

Yesterday I get recieve a call,she was in hospital and she's gravely ill with cancer-all a complete shock but what's more shocking is that she had hidden her symptoms from everyone including her husband,her cancer is so advanced that one breast is open with tumors and she had been cleaning and dressing this in secret for months.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND why she would leave this and bascially give herself a death sentance.

At just 43,she was told yesterday,to make a will.There is no cure,it's terminal and has spread to her lungs and possibly her bones (we await CT scan results now).

The family is reeling,her dh is at a loss and no-one can't quite understand why she would cover her obvious illness to this extent.

I'm heartbroken but fucking furious with her.I just can't understand why she would leave her body to rot and lie to her family and friends,people who really love and care for her.

Why would someone who seemed so happy cover up this terrible pain and anguish?

What the fuck am I going to say to her?

I can't imagine her pain and her fear but I'm furious with her and it hurts like hell.

How terrible for you all.

She must have had her reasons(even if they seem nuts)

Just give her the support she needs now.
hugs

sorry meant ((hugs)).

I am sorry to hear this - must be awful for everyone concerned. In my experience, some people just can't come to terms with illness - rather than deal with it, they bury their head in the sand and hope it will go aways, which of course it doesn't (its called "abnormal illness behaviour"). I think it might be best to try and cool down before you see her and take the lead from her in terms of what to say - not necessarily wrong to say how angry and upset you are with her for not dealing with it, but needs to be done only if it feels right and at the right time - if you have been close to her, I think you will know if and when that is. Just be there there for her, she doesn't need a lecture because this will change nothing for her and might just make her feel worse for not having dealt with it. Might be best to use other forms of support to express your feelings - staff on oncology warsd are used to dealing with such things and may be able to provide you with the explanations and space you need to express your anger and distress. HTH.

Thank you.

Pippi,I understand totally what you are saying and there is no way I would vocalise my anger over this-her reaction to her cancer was her choice iykwim and there is no point in making her feel ashamed or saddened more, by bring it up.We as a family now,have to help her and her dh through their next stage of this journey.

I will seek out some help I think.

I'm just saddened at the prospect of losing such a vibrant family member and one who helped me through awful times in my life.

Helps to write it all out.

My friend who is a nurse has mentioned similar cases to this to me - the lady she knew was literally filling the tumoured skin with liliy of the valley talcum powder and then padding it with panty liners

I think its 'fear' my own mum (a semi trained nurse) neglected her own symptoms and she died of cervical cancer- this is very sad for all of you concerned and i think im right in saying anger is part of griening - but for now you have to accept the diagnosis and work towards making her last months/years happy.

Im so very sorry for you all.

Thank you nicks,it helps to understand her reaction and that it's not greatly uncommon.

Poshwellies - I'm so sorry for you.

A friend of mine did this when we were in our early 20s. We were all so shocked. She was an intelligent, strong woman. If I'd been asked to define her, I'd have included the words "super-rational", "courageous", and so on.

We were devastated to discover that she had discovered a lump and then just absolutely, resolutely ignored it to the point of denial.

And yes, anger is part of the grieving process; it's very, very normal. We were bewildered by the fact that our friend had acted in a way that seemed so out of character. And, I suppose, we were a little frightened that we, too, might also be as frightened as she must have been, should we find ourselves in the place she was.

It was terrible to lose her. I was thinking of her just today, in fact. I miss her now and remember all the great things about her.

I'm sure your anger will pass. I'm also sure a little part of it is based in a longing to have been able to help her.

Speaking to her; well, whenever we met up, I let her lead the conversation. She discussed the cancer but we also chatted a lot about gossip and television. I don't think we ever broached the subject of her unwillingness to acknowledge the cancer.

Wishing you all the best.

Cherry but that's it.I'm scared selfishly but mostly scared for her and sad she won't live a full life that she rightly should.

PW, my mum did something like this too - she ignored her general unwellness until it got too hard to breathe and she went into hospital with fluid on the lungs and anaemia - turned out she had terminal bowel cancer, not that surprisingly, but had almost certainly decided not to investigate it because she had a fear of the treatment and of being in hospital. She was 63 when she died - she missed seeing my DS born, she missed my DN3's 1st bday, we were devastated to lose her much younger than we ever thought we would.

On her last day, we all took it in turns to have a private chat with her to "make our peace" - my sis said afterwards that she told Mum how angry she was that Mum was leaving us and that Mum should have gone to the doc's earlier - but what if she had? The cancer might have been found but then it would have needed treating, possibly more surgery (an ishoo for my Mum) followed by chemo - Mum had emetophobia as well; and then it still might have got her in the end. So she chose the "ignorance is bliss" route and by the time they knew she had cancer there was nothing anyone could do for her

I don't think my sis should have told Mum how angry she was - I don't think it was right to make Mum feel guilty about her illness - but that's me.

Don't want to over-post but don't like to think of you up this late and sad.

It's awful when people leave us, when they die, and it's worse when they seem to have chosen it. It feels like a rejection of us, as though they've weighed all our love for them and they just found it too light to hold them to us.

But it's not like that. It's just bad luck, or fate, or a bad decision, taken for intensely personal reasons, perhaps with tragic consequences.

Believe me when I say all these feelings you feel now will pass. There will come a moment, when you're standing in the kitchen, doing the dishes, or something, when you remember your aunt simply with warmth and love.

You will accept that her life is just what it was, whole and complete, as it was. All that she could have been, all that was foreclosed by her early death, will just be a sort of glow around that memory you have of her, as she is. And it won't cause you pain or anger any more. I know that sounds hippyish, but it's true.

The only advice I have is almost banal; just cherish and really enjoy the time you will have with her now. Because ultimately, you will get to the point when you remember her for the love she gave you at a point when you needed it and for the love you feel for her when you are with her.

Good luck with your visit.

oh thank you thumb,I'm sorry for your mum's passing and I agree with you-I want my aunts final journey to be free of guilt and of this fucking awful shame she's been holding onto and help with her pain and to be,hopefully happy and content (Do I live in a dreamworld?)

Cherry, you made me cry, you cow [cry] but thank you-I needed to hear it.

Lovely people you lot.

Hope you find things a little easier today x

I read this a little belatedly but I lost my beloved auntie to leukemia 2 yrs past Aug and wanted to send my thoughts along the line

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.