Huge Row- need help to sort it.

[chickers]

I feel terrible tonight, my sister and my husband have had an enormous row and I am totally in the middle.
She is having a difficult time at the moment going through a marriage break-up and struggling with drinking too much. She also has 4 kids who are being neglected by her and her husband.
My husband has real issues with this because he can't bear to see her damaging her kids and her life and he tried to tell her.
He is very black and white about stuff and started telling her that she is a mess and that I don't need her problems piled on me.
There was a lot more to it but its very long and I am finding it too upsetting.
My husbands take on it is 'well it needed to be said' my take is that it all needed to be said but it was totally the wrong time.
I am totally torn, I feel so angry with my husband and totally upset and desperate for my sister. I feel like this is going to drive a wedge in my family.
I desperately want to help my sister but think that she will just cut me out now.
Need some advice please on how to handle this family situation.

Oh dear - afraid i think your DH was out of order. Its alright for us to criticise our families but hard to hear someone else do it. Also doesn't sound as though he went about it the right way.

I'm very close to my sister and would phone her and apologise to be honest. Would also ask DH to apologise - he may have a point but theres ways and means of getting a message across.

I would ring her, maybe tomorrow when the dust has settled and say something like its because your DH is concerned about her and her kids, it came out wrong and you really want to help etc etc.

Eeeeek. So tricky. Your DH obviously is worried about the children, you and your sister. I guess he was of the view that your sister needed a shake to see what's going on.

Do they have the kind of relationship that allows for frank words and then forgiveness afterwards?

Call your sister. Say that you are always there for her. Don't get drawn into a discussion about what your DH said. It's between them, not you. Stay out of that particular row if you can. But call or text her and let her know that you're there for her.

And just let your DH know politely that you'll be dealing with your relatives from now on but that you know he's only trying to help.

I also think my other half was out of order but he is adament that in his own house he will say and do what he wants.
I am very close to my family which he can never understand because he has no relationship with his family.
Its hard to explain to someone about family closeness when they have never experienced it.

I think ou should cut your husband some slack. YOU are his priority, not your SIL and he acted because he thought you were suffering.

Talk to your sister.

Don't take sides, chickers. Stay out of that row. There's no need for you to come to grief too. Just be diplomatic as much as you can.

Thats all good advice thankyou. My sister and husband have a goodish relationship but it can be strained as she often speaks her mind which is ironic now that someone has done it to her.
The other problem is that my parents have heard and they are furious because they think that my husband has really kicked her when she is down. They have been trying to help her for months are are desperately worried about her.

It's prime time for you to have a quiet talk with her - imo he's done you some favours, though it's so devastating for everyone to hear in your face home truths like that.

You need to tell her exactly what you've said here! Explain how you feel about there being such a fine line between love and support for her and real worry that things are getting bigger and more out of control for her family.

I hope this doesn;t sound glib, I know you've said she has a problem with drink, but this is in general a bit like that 'rock bottom' experience she has to go through before admitting there's a problem she needs to sort.

Wishing you strength and luck. See this horrible incident as the start of change that needs to happen.

And, sorry, I meant to say, don't let this turn into a battle between dh and your sister - it's about HER. Apologise for dh if that's how you feel you should play it, but remind her this is a chance to sort it out once and for all

I can't make excuses for my husband, he is a grown man who can answer for himself and when I spoke to my parents I asked them to speak to him directly about it.
Anyway you are right that this is a rock bottom event for her and actually its a really small part of the overall mess that she is in. I just hate a feud or confrontation and wish I could turn the clock back!! But how many times have I said that about stuff.

Sorry, came back to this late as dcs woke up, but wishing you luck with it, you must feel terrible.

Confrontation is awful, but how horrible could this whole thing be if you don't grab it now and do a bit of damage limitation?