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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One minute DH wants to have sex with me, the next he doesn't. I'm confused.

11 replies

mampam · 28/05/2009 17:04

For quite a while now it's been obvious that DH is getting less and less interested in sex (or me?). He's gone from being up for it all the time to perhaps wanting it once or twice a month.

It first started to get on my nerves because it would seem like we only ever had sex when he wanted us to (and not very often). If I tried to instigate it he would say he was too tired. Sometimes I would start to instigate sex, he would even get an erection (sorry but there's no polite way of putting it) and then suddenly it would go and that would be the end of that. Eventually I've given up trying to instigate it because I find it really hurtful to be knocked back all the time.

It's like he doesn't want it for weeks and then because he hasn't come for such a long time, his body gets taken over by his hormones and he's like a dog on heat until he gets what he wants from me then it's back to nothing again for weeks on end.

We recently had a big argument about it because I was fed up with feeling like I was just any port in a storm for him. He then took himself off to the doctors because he admitted that he doesn't get turned on very much any more ie you know the usual men getting erections where ever and when ever thing. DH has had blood tests but there's nothing wrong with his hormones.

I just find it strange because last week we were laying in bed and I was stroking his willy (sorry!), he had an erection and I wasn't really doing it to make him come just playing with it, after a while he pushed my hand away and said he would come if I didn't stop so said ok we'll save it for when you et home from work and proceeded to tell him what I'd like him to do to me. That night, nothing. In fact there was nothing for days, he didn't even attempt to lay a finger on me. At the end of my tether I made a joke of how I'd laid it out on a plate for him and he was neglecting me. He agreed and that night we had sex. The following night I started to play with his willy and he had an erection but if I took my hand off it to touch him else where by the time I put my hand back his erection had gone.

This morning I played with him, got him hard, wriggled against him making it clear I was up for a quicky but he turned over, got out of bed and said he had to get ready for work. He had loads of time for a quicky.

Is it me? I'm so confused. What the hell is going on? Is it possible for a man who wanted sex all the time to suddenly go off sex altogether? Or is it just sex with me that he doesn't want?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 28/05/2009 17:07

he sounds stressed and that is affecting his erection. And the more he stresses the more it goes away.

How old is he? Does he need his prostate checked?

mampam · 28/05/2009 17:12

He's only 25 which is why it's so wierd cos I'm sure most 25 year olds are up for it all the time!!

He was in a job that he hated, his employers weren't very nice to him and he had his hours cut putting quite a lot of strain on all of us. Money was/is very tight. I thought this could have been a reason at first but DH now works for himself and really enjoys what he's doing.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 28/05/2009 17:21

he does sound stressed me and my dp can both be just the same to be honest we still love each other but we just cant get our mindset there sometimes

try romance making it clear from start nice meal candles massage and then sex relaxed not expected or forced as such just taking time to enjoy each other

maybe he has problems maintaining erection and is embarrassed and the pressure of performing is affecting him more

try the relax and see where it goes if anything could open up gates of communication he may tell you whats on his mind is businesses struggling is he struggling with business

mampam · 28/05/2009 17:31

DH seems to be able to maintain an erection perfectly well when he instigates sex but not when I instigate it iyswim? It's not a problem everytime just sometimes.

Yes maybe a bit of romance could be an idea as when we do have sex its quite wham bam thank you mam!! But that is the way DH likes it.

DH's business is fine.

OP posts:
DevilsAdvocaat · 28/05/2009 17:39

mampam, my dh can be a lot like this.
he likes sex on his terms. when he wants it etc.

it's just different for them as i guess if they aren't 100% there, it probably won't happen. whereas women can just go along with sex iykwim.

we decided recently to spend more time being intimate without sex, being nice to each other (i know ), sitting together in the evening. also we try to exercise. his sex drive is largely dependent on getting his blood pumping around his body iykwim. all these things seem to keep sex drives up.

i think there is a slight decline in sex drive for some men around this time so try not to worry.

howtotellmum · 28/05/2009 17:47

Is there anything emotional going on between you that might be affecting his performance?
I suggest you back off and leave it up to him for a while. Not saying that you should leave it like that indefinitely,but the more pressure you put on him, the worse it might get.

How long have you been together?

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 28/05/2009 18:58

I think you should maybe have a chat about sexual preferences, because it may be that his turn on is basically along the lines of being Mighty DOminant Man with Mighty Cock and it simply isn;t so good for him when you take the lead. Now if he does feel like this, it's a fetish and you can play along with it some of the time on the understanding that your preferences get indulged some of the time as well.
It could also be stress-related, though: he could have had a dose of willy-wilt the once and got into a vicous circle of being terrified it will happen again therefore only wwanting to have sex on his specific terms when he can be sure he'll keep it up.
But a nice friendly non-critical talk is the way forward, just don't have the talk in bed.

mampam · 28/05/2009 20:37

We've been together for 4 years.

I do sometimes feel a bit peeved with him that when I don't feel like it I don't always just point blank refuse to have sex. I will make an effort to do it and always end up enjoying it in the end. DH makes no such effort, but like Devilsadvocat says men can't always manage it unless they are 100% into it.

I have just had a brief chat with DH. I asked him if there was anything worrying him at all and he said that he was worried about money (which I knew anyway) and he says he's really pissed off at the moment because he feels like my DC's father rules our lives. Bit of a long story there but exH does what he likes with regards to DC's and we have to fall in line with him otherwise he makes life hell. DH says he is pissed off that exh has got a quite a well paid job, gets away with paying minimal maintainence, we don't have very much money and really struggle to give the children the things that they need and pay for things for them like after school activities and ex makes no contribution towards that what so ever.

I had no idea that it was getting to DH this much. He also said that with so much on his mind sex is the least of his priorities. I pointed out that it doesn't have to be a priority as such but should be something that we do because we enjoy it and it's fun.

We are meant to be trying for a baby at the end of this year if things pick up for us financially. I can see we've got a long way to go before then!!

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 28/05/2009 20:49

Hmm. I can sort of understand his viewpoint: if you are stressed and irritable and unhappy and there is something eating away at you, it is quite hard to feel like having sex. Is ther anything that can be done to minimize the annoyingness of your XP? When you say he 'makes life hell' is this stuff that would warrant an injunction or at least a stern solicitor's letter?

CarGirl · 28/05/2009 20:57

YOu need to sort out stuff about your xp how is he mamaging to control your lives to that extent?

DevilsAdvocaat · 28/05/2009 20:59

mampam, tough situation.

i imagine the fact that another man calls the shots, in regards to your life, is fairly emasculating.

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