Is this normal? To be expected?

[CarmelitaSpats]

Married for 18 years, together for 22, 1 DC.

I was a virgin when I met DH.

From the first time we slept together, he has had a slight issue with maintaining an erection. He insists it's a mental thing rather than a physical one (fear of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy) and to be fair, the more regularly that we have sex, the better he performs, iyswim.

As we entered our late 30's, he became less keen for sex - it was generally me who initiated it (I seem to have a much higher sex drive than him) and consequently there was a much higher incidence of failure.

Sorry if this is TMI, he would be all raring to go then just as he was about to enter me would lose it completely. He would then be angry and embarrassed and refuse to discuss it. Didn't do much for my self esteem!

It became so that the only way we could have penetrative sex was if the minute he got an erection, he went for it (whether I was ready or not) and then he would come very quickly and have to 'finish me off' by hand. I really dislike having sex in this manner - whilst I don't mind being masturbated, he's very good at it, I do like him being inside me and quite often felt that he wouldn't even have bothered doing that if I'd left it alone.

What turns him on is kissing. Although I like kissing, it's not the be all and end all and I actually am coming to hate him kissing me in bed because I know what's coming. Ten minutes of beard rash and saliva followed by a tweak on each nipple and then 'you don't mind, do you?' before inside for a few quick pumps and rolling off again before the (reluctant) hand job.

It is very difficult to discuss this with him as the failure to perform is (he maintains) in his head and not physical, so if I mention it he feels guilty and pressurised and then gets more and more anxious and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy re. failure to remain hard.

I'm now 43. I'm astonished we have even 1 DC, to be truthful. I love him dearly and in all other respects we have a great marriage, but I have not now had sex for over a year and tbh I'm a bit 'meh' about initating anything because I know it will go as described above. When it was good it was great, but that was in our 20's - AIBU to expect it to remain that good?

As I was a virgin when I met him, I have no idea what's normal and what's not, I have a suspicion this is not normal, but there again how much of the type of sex one reads about in novels or sees in films is actually realistic? What is 'good sex'?

He doesn't really like me initiating sex anyway, if I say anything mildly flirty to him he just laughs embarrassedly and avoids the subject.

I'm not sure why I'm putting this all down here other than to vent, perhaps someone (SGB, you out there?) could give me some advice as to what to do?

He won't go to the doctors or counselling, btw. Too embarrassed. Part of me is v. angry at him and feels he's being selfish, but then I'm wondering if my expectations are unrealistic. Once a week would be nice... (and a bit more foreplay!).

wow, a year without sex sounds bad... I don't have it that often, ie once a month TBH, but for the usual small-children-and exhausted-reason. Can YOU go to councelling? Obviously it's upsetting you.. Would viagra help him? I think your expectations are increadable REALISTIC. He may be embarressed, but if there is a reason behind the lack of errectability (?) maybe a medical thing, then surely it's worth checking out??

Whatever you do with each other sexually, what is 'normal' is irrelevatn, what matters is whether you and your partner are both happy with what you do together, and you are not happy with it so it needs to be addressed. He is being selfish. Because he is making sex all about him and his needs when it should be a mutual thing. He's doing the 'oh poor me, I suffer so terribly with performance anxiety' thing while refusing to do anything about the problem because, basically, he thinks that what you want is less important than the needs of the Sacred Cock.
However, presumably he has other good points, and to give him the benefit of the doubt he may be too embarrassed to want to talk to anyone outside your relationship, so here's a couple of possibilities that might help with the specific willy-wilt problem.
I would initially suggest trying a cock ring. You can get Durex-made ones in Boots, so very respectiable these days. Or have a look at a site like www.lovehoney.co.uk which has loads of toys and advice on how to use them.
Also, he could maybe try havig a wank about half an hour before you have sex, that might help.
Good luck. But don't let him think that he can expect you just to put up with a sex life that is all about his needs and takes no notice of yours.

I am going to suggest something that might alarm you- and hope not. Have you ever considered that he could be (closet) gay?

It sounds as if the kissing gets him worked up enough ( but not you)to become erect, but then he has to get it over with before any other thoughts/emotions kick in.

It may be perfomance anxiety, but it may well be something else. Was HE a virgin when you met/married- that is more an issue than whether you were.

There are many, many married men who are gay- not got the stats to hand, but it would surprise most people. They have problems admitting it- even to themselves. From what you say, it sounds as if he simply doesn't like sex, although you have said it was good in your 20s- so what has changed? Why is he embarrassed over flirty stuff?

I suppose what you have to decide is- how often would you want sex, given the opiton, what kind of sex, and is he capable of providing that?

What is "normal" is irrelevant. Many couples who have been together for ages have no sex ( 20% of marriages are celibate after 20 years) but it's what you want and need that counts.

Is this going to be a make or break situation for you? Could you try counselling on your own to get another insight into it?

One word: Viagra.

Will assist him with the keepy uppy while the business is conducted and will overwrite his silly brain patterns about performance etc.

But then he still has to learn to pleae his wife- and not just by pumping harder and longer!

Isn't Viagra meant more for much older men whose arteries have furred up, or who health issues, and who literally can't get it up?

I don't think it is the answer to a psycho-sexual problem though it might help short term to give him sme confidence.

Thanks for the replies.

He's tried Viagra in the past. Although it meant I got a little more foreplay, I disliked feeling like I was having a broomhandle thrust up me, iyswim...

I'm not sure if it's make or break, tbh. I'm just thinking that I'm 43, do I really want to know that I'm going to have no/crappy sex for another 40 years/the rest of my life? I do love him and in all other respects he's lovely, but I want to feel close to him again.

He was very ill in his mid 30's (needed a transplant) and we had a 4 yr period without much happening bedroom-wise because of that. Then we had our DC and after a c-section/birth trauma I didn't much want sex for a long while and he was quite happy not to have it. It's only really now that I'm thinking, well, actually, I like sex and I'd like to have some sex that doesn't leave me feeling afterwards like all I am is a convenient hole for him.

VEM - I don't think he's gay - if he is, he hides it remarkably well (we have many gay friends and he's never registered on any of their gaydars - although he does like ABBA!) - he wasn't a virgin when he met me, he'd had plenty of experience (although he did tell me that all his previous girlfriends had dumped him - perhaps a warning bell should have rung?)

SGB - many thanks for the practical advice. I did buy him a cock ring, many years ago, it languishes in his bedside drawer. I must dig it out, hose it down and see if he's up for using it.

He has always been very embarrassed by any mention of sex unless it's in a very, very jokey down-the-pub context, he's never liked kissing me in public (although he's got better over the years), I know it's his problem not mine, but he makes me feel like I'm some kind of nympho...

Meh.

Was he, by chance, raised in a very religious household? There's nothing like too much religion for damaging a person's sexuality.
I think you do have to have a bit of a straight talk with him to the effect that you are not happy with what's going on sexually so something has to change. Ask him what changes he would like, listen to him, and then insist he listens to you.
You won;t get a perfct solution but there is a strong possibility of being able to work out a good compromise.

maybe DH needs to get physically fit? if he isn't already. Can't hurt.