If a man seems happy, why does he stop saying I love you?

[lifeisbutadream]

I've been with DP for just over a year and we're planning to marry when circumstances allow (we're long distance right now so have to wait). We're very happy and he treats me with great warmth and kindness.

He told me he loved me a month after we met and I didn't doubt him. It took me longer to say it but I meant it when I told him. From then he said it frequently - we only see eachother a few days a month because of the distance so it was done largely by phone and text but always at least once when we were together. It wasn't gushy in any way, it felt sincere and beautiful. He also said many other beautiful things to me, about how happy he was to have me in his life, how we must never lose eachother etc.

But I've noticed that in the last couple of months he's stopped saying I love you and the other romantic things too. When I say I love you first (which I only do from time to time when I just feel it so much) he does sometimes reciprocate but last time I told him he didn't and just said "you're so beautiful". Am I being a typical woman and reading too much into this and should I just assume he feels really comfortable now and thinks I should know without him saying it?
And I miss the other lovely things he used to say too!

I'd really like to ask him why his behaviour's changed so I'm in no doubt about his feelings for me. I was thinking of something like "I've noticed that you don't tell me you love me anymore and I'm just interested to know why as we seem very happy"
Then I can get on with my life one way or another and stop worrying about it.

They do stop saying it. They presume they no longer have to, that you know already. The honeymoon period is over and he's settling down now. I don't know of many relationships were this amount of romance goes beyond the first year.

We need that reassurance every now and then, but it seems they do not. They presume we do love them and they feel they shouldn't have to keep saying to us. As my dh once eloquently said "I'm still with you aren't I?"

Well why don't you then? I don't see anything unreasonable in that, provided you don't keep going on about it.

I actually have the opposite problem. DH says it TOO often. I have to tell him to shut up sometimes because he has literally said it five times in ten minutes and I'm bored of hearing it

They just cannot win.

The longer a relationship goes on the less effusive you both become. You get more complacent, more comfortable, more secure and more used to each other. It changes. You have no reason to think his feelings have changed - so don't read too much into it. That doesn't mean you have to kiss goodbye to romance though - but nowadays my DH tends to tell me he loves me when I wake him up with a cup of tea or some other small thing - not staring into my eyes over a romantic dinner IYSWIM.

I think he's probably just settled and comfortable, and thinks it goes without saying - so long as you feel happy in the relationship and there isn't anything else bothering you about changes in his behaviour, then I don't think it's a cause for worry.

But talk to him about it - if he knows you like to hear him say it, then he'll maybe say it more often. And ask him what he likes you to do or say to make him feel secure and happy - for him it might be something practical like making him a cuppa just how he likes it without having to ask.

People vary in how much they express their love, and the ways they do it, but as others have said it does tend to reduce as you get longer into a relationship.

Thanks ladies, feel reassurred that he's still the same lovely man I met a year ago and the honeymoon period is probably moving to something more settled. I have no doubt at all how much he loves me when he holds me and looks into my eyes so should leave it there I suppose.

I don't want it to affect how much I say it to him though; it's only now and again as I said, but when the feeling overwhelms me I don't want to have to keep it in. And PL, I can understand how it going completely the other way must be infuriating!

How often do YOU say I love you to DP/DH without him saying it first? And what's the response usually?

I don't actually say it very often - weeks or even months might go by. Same for him saying it to me. We both do say nice things to each other though, and try not to take each other for granted. But actually saying "I love you" doesn't seem necessary that often after 17 years. Showing it does matter, saying it less so for us.

My best friend's dad has a saying which I think is great everytime my best friend's mum asks "Do you love me?" he replies "I told you I loved you in 1969, if anything changes I will let you know".

That's a good one Scarlet

"They do stop saying it. They presume they no longer have to, that you know already."

DH tells me he loves me about 5 times a day. I found it really odd to begin with, my mum and dad have never in my memory told me they loved me and my previous partners had all been a bit reticent, but I now think it's lovely and very reassuring.

Just tell your partner that you have noticed he has stopped saying it, and is there anything you should know? If there isn't, then explain you'd like him to at least reciprocate the sentiment when you say "I love you", because it makes you worried otherwise.

I like that dizietsma, a simple question, simply put. It is lovely when a man says I love you and I do know most tend to say it less and less but I think one year is a bit too soon....When we're old and grey(er) then maybe.

lifeisbutadream - I don't think you should worry too much. the first flush of love is always intense and now that is over the longer lasting love has to take over.

How long are you going to live apart like this though? Maybe, if you started making plans to move together that would refresh things and stop it slipping into a 'routine' I imagine it is also difficult when you are so far apart to retain that initial intensity. You stil 'feel' love though when you are together and words do not matter then.

I do still say "I love you" to DW every night before we go to sleep. and every morning when I make her a coffee as kat2907 says and that is after 25 years so not too bad. However, I do say it at other times as well and a lot more recently as I have been through a difficult time the last few years and feel very happy now. I have a sense that I have been saying it too much though as TheProvincialLady says about her DH. Although I think DW has a boredom threshold of about 5 times a day not 5 times in ten minutes!

Rhubarb - I agree with what you said and I ed at your DH saying "I'm still with you aren't I?" Being able to say that and laugh and yet still knowing deep down how he/she really feels without having to say it is proper love.

Can I just add something.

Dunno if any of you have heard of 'The 5 Love Languages'...they are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and gifts. Each person usually has one very strong one they like to be loved by.

Mine is without a doubt words, and my DH's is physical touch. I tell him I love him and how wonderful he is ALL the time, because words are how I like to be loved, I assume it's how everyone wants to be loved.

He doesn't often reciprocate which makes me upset sometimes, but instead he will hug me, stroke my back etc which I don't really rate much. But we have to learn to use the other person's language...if that doesn't sound too airy-fairy! Once you understand how a person most feels loved it really does change the way you see stuff.

Hard to explain but if you want to know more I really do recommend the book, 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman

People vary a lot in how much they want to communicate their feelings, and it's as well to accept individuals for who they are rather than trying to turn them into someone different.

ANd am going to leave this thread now as it is making me mildly queasy...

Thanks for a man's POV BetaDad - and that's lovely that you say the 3 little words every night. We may not be able to move together for another couple of years because of kids and so I don't have the luxury of getting the hugs and looks which tell me without words that he loves me. I only get that every other weekend if I'm lucky

And cupcake, that does make sense, it should be about appreciating what makes our partner feel loved and maybe if I turn it round and ask him what makes him feel loved, I can then tell him what makes me feel loved.

cupcake - that is really interesting. I hadn't heard of the 'The 5 Love Languages' but it does ring a lot bells.

I am definitley a talking person and DW is definitely a touching person. I often say things and DW just laughs them off and doe snot respond but I always found touching was difficult and required a much more deliberate concious effort from me.

lifeisbutadream - that must be really hard to be apart that much. Must be good though when you do get togther. Lots of service men/women, rig workers, trawler men, airlines staff, live apart like that quite happily in love though so it is more common than perhaps us 'living together all the time types' imagine. I live 24/7 with DW and that has its difficulties too - seeing too much of each other.

BetaDad it's the same for me and dh- if we've had an argument or whatever, dh will try to just hug me to say he's sorry and I'm all 'no! you have to SAY you're sorry and explain WHY' (ha, I'm not a bitch honest ) but I do have to understand that that is his way of showing me he loves me...

Must say, it is quite a nice change to chat to a man on here