Family - how much do they affect YOU?

[unicorn]

...apologiesin advance, for my reacurring problem!
But my family(mother father siblings) still have a major impact me.

I know they aren't good for me, and haven't really been any help since having kids... but I still hold this naive version of what 'family' is/ or could be.

How do I get a grip and, a)stop wishing they were something else? and b)grow up and accept them for what they are??

Good point foster mum.
I am just making a big effort at this moment in time and havent thought passed this stage in the proceedings.
I just hope that i dont have the problems and distractions that my mother had and i hope that i make better decisions about stuff than she did because of the impact and consequences of those decisions on us as children. My mother can never comprehend this.
I suppose that it is easy to think back and remember all the bad things and lose sight of the good things. Its just that the bad things are so domineering in my memory.
I suppose i should ask my self how will i ensure that ds will remember good things over bad things. Not an easy thing to even think about, my baby having any thing bad happening to him....caused by me or DH but thats life and bad things do happen dont they.

In answer to mogwai's question about how my mother would feel about being dumped - she doesn't give a monkeys *rse. She constantly told me throughout my life that she didn't like me, never wanted me and that I've been nowt but a disappointment to her and her husbands, and that I hadn't the guts to walk away from her!!.

Must have been the first time in her life that I've actually made her day

I've just had a long lecture from my mother about how I was the golden child & they expected great things from me (& my grandparents thought the sun shone from YKW) & how my poor little brother didn't get half of what I got and they all thought he was thick..... Why is it that my recollection is that darling brother did f* all at home, and was allowed to get away with it, plus was the light of our mother's life while I was just constantly criticised & belittled?

She also told me that when I met DH they hoped the relationship would just fizzle out because he wasn't good enough for me... OK, after 21 years of marriage what exactly am I supposed to do with that gem?

(Oh and she pointedly told me "DS3 is spoilt". When I said, actually he isn't, she said "from an outsiders perspective he is" Well that must be right then )

Did anyone else think, during their pregnancy, Im gonna make sure that for my children it's different? That they're not going to feel the same heart ache as I did? I did, I truly did believe that and Im still trying, so much so that Im making myself unhappy. Im 19, have the most beautiful baby boy in the world, but Im stuck now with a man, who is wonderful, but no longer someone with whom I am in love. Its hard, my parents divorce (Im not married)was hard for me, but it made me grow, gave me strength; my mother in laws divorce broke my partners heart, and still pains him. I think Id rather my son be surrounded by people who can teach happiness by example, not by what it should be ie a neat little family. Does that make sense?

Answering the question of what am I doing to make things different for DS.... I'm trying to hug him and tell him I love him as much as I can, I never blame him for things that are not his fault, I don't use adjectives to tell him of. If I ever have another child I wil put a lot of emphasis to avoid comparing them for good or bad things.

Talking about this things.... I'm seeing the history repeated with my neighbours' twins. She loves X and really despises Y. If you congratulae Y on something she has done, her mother immediatly says something like "Oh, but that's rubish! you should see what X could do" and then calls X to show you. Is so humiliating. Obvioulsy Y is not as notorious as her sister X (who could be with a mother that is always putting her down?) but she don't have either the behavioural problems of X. I have explained their mother how much damage that could be making but she said to me that she didn't care, that she sees her exhusband in Y's face and she can't stand her... I really needed to stop seeing her a little bit, I felt like kicking her everytime she makes a nasty comment to Y...

Youngbutable, I understand what you are saying, and agree that sometimes it's better to get divorced rather than staying for the "sake" of the children, for example if you are having fights all the time, he beats you, or you are utterly miserable at his side. However, if it's just that you don't feel as passionate about him as before I would suggest you to wait a bit. Love gets transformed as we spend more time together, and if you pay attention to those hundreds of jokes and serious posts about not having sex as often as before you may understand what I'm saying. Obviously I wish I still felt like jumping on bed with my husband as soon as a bed or whateveer that seemed suitable, or to have those wonderful chats as it was at the beginning of our relationship. But now.... I think I'm happy if we pay attention to each others needs (be it a bit of silence or a romantic dinner), and if there's a love based respect between the two of us where DS could thrive. HTH.

.... obviously, if somebody finds a way to go back to the feelings we experienced at the beginning of our relationship please send me a CAT ASAP

Message withdrawn

pretty obvious how NOT to do things when you've had them done to you..

Stupid question

I have been in the same situation as you It takes a lot of work on yourself and sometimes a bit of distance to overcome this and even now i still wish things were different but it doesn't affect me in the same way Reiki really helped me with this

Mogwai - read your posts with great interest.
I have the same kind of relationship with my mother. It's heartbreaking. I can't break away, the guilt is too much for me. The first 10 years were good, she was a great mum - it's what happened from 11+ that i can't handle. She always calls now with the 'I love you' 'You're the best thing that ever happened to me' but i just seem to put up a wall - i'm so scared as now PG with no.1 and don't want any of that crap perpetuating as one MNer mentioned earlier...sorry to go on...

ooh cha cha, exactly the same story, only mother changed when I was about 12.

My nan always told me my mother was extremely selfish - she was right. Am also pg with baby number 1 and she wants to be best friends. The sad truth is that she just likes babies, because they are cute, so she's trying to be the doting grandma. Bleugh I hate it.

Can't cut her off, can't stand spending time with her either.

How spooky! I keep meeting lots of long lost relatives on MN - so you must be sister no.2. I am just about 13 weeks PG, you??

I'm 36 weeks, ad yes, sister number 2

how the hell did we turn out ok?

Hmmm..good question!

Move far away. That's what I did and it worked a treat.

A pattern is emerging in this thread, we all seem to be the 2nd sibling, with a hard mother to us but nicer to the younger sibling. It all sounds very much like the Sandwich COmplex... interesting...

Well spotted, Chandra. That sums up my relationship with my mother. I get on fine with my father, but I can't take my mum for more than a fortnight's visit before her criticisms do my head in and only phone her once every fortnight or so.