Meeting friend I haven't seen for two years. Should I be upfront about why I haven't been in touch?

[Scrumplet]

Which is that, the last time we met, he confessed that he had a 'mistress' and had been seeing her for years and years (she called for a chat whilst I was with him). I was shocked, and said the knee-jerk, "But what about [his wife's name]?!" And he said, "Well, sometimes I think she suspects, but it keeps her on her toes - she makes more effort and takes better care of herself."

I was stunned, and very, very disappointed in this person who, in all other respects, is/has seemed like a wonderful man. I'm now meeting him tomorrow - he's recently been in touch and has invited me to a special occasion later in the year. I need to decide if I want to go and, also, tomorrow, do I be upfront and say why I've been out of touch over the last few years? I think I lost a critical amount of respect for him in one go, when he said what he did, and part of me feels I owe him this explanation, while the other thinks it's none of my business.

Message withdrawn

I would go into it assuming he knows exactly why you haven't seen him in so long. You don't owe him an explanation, it should be painfully obvious to anyone with half a brain cell, and with hindsight maybe he realises that. Your lack of contact probably freaked him out a bit - you don't want to fall out with the person who knows you have a mistress.

But on the other hand, if he is genuinely unaware of what a twunt he's been, it'd probably be best for both of you explained. Tricky.

He sounds vile.

I would maintain my distance. If I did have to see him I certainly wouldn't discuss his repellent attitude and behaviour.

He's beneath you. Why bother?

How good a friend is he?
If he is a real friend, then I think you should be less judgemental as you don't know all the facts- do you? His wife might be shagging every man in sight and he might just not want to tell you! I think other people's marriages are a law unto themselves- keep out of them- and be a friend if you like him- if not, dump him.

He's a w*nker. The comment ""Well, sometimes I think she suspects, but it keeps her on her toes - she makes more effort and takes better care of herself."" makes that completely clear.

With that shitty attitude about his wife,i do wonder why he is still a friend tbh.

I'm sure he knows perfectly well why you haven't been in touch. I would hope that he's contacting you now because his circumstances have changed - either the wife or the mistress no longer in the picture! Otherwise why would he think your opinion of him will be any different to your obvious shock and disappointment at the time?

I don't think you need to say that's what the problem was. But if you think there's a possibility of being friends again, I think you need to check whether he has sorted himself out or not. If not, and he's still seeing her, then I don't see how you can be friends, any more than you could when you found out.

So, you don't have to say that's why you stopped contacting him, but equally you can't ignore the issue or he might assume you're not that bothered about it any more.