Having a terrible time with my xh. Has anyone gone through the same?

[ilovetrees]

My xh and I have been split for about 18 months and he is making my life an absolute nightmare. It's been getting steadily worse over this time and I am sat here at the computer now in tears and feeling sick to my stomach, not knowing what the hell to do anymore. He was very mentally abusive when we were together and I spent my life walking on eggshells trying to not upset him - impossible cos no matter what I did, he would be upset with me and then punish me in so many petty but hurtful ways. It culminated in him hitting me and then messing around on the internet with other women and then I asked him to leave. Since then, he has not let up on me, threatening to take my ds off me for months, sending me awful text messages calling me an idiot, useless, crap mother, stupid but always being sure not to cross the line into calling me horrible names. Bad enough to wear me down. He's now threatening to cut my maintenance to a ridiculously small amount each month despite the fact that I buy everything for ds. He is also letting himself into the house whenever he wants and taking stuff. I have met someone else who is very supportive and lovely but he is finding it difficult to cope with my frame of mind. Feel like I'm losing everything and falling apart and don't know how to deal with it. This is the tip of the iceberg and don't have time to go into all the awful things he's done. Been to solicitors who say that he is entitled to enter the house and nothing can be done. Any advice greatly received thanks.

ilove, I am so sorry you are giong through this. I don't have much experience - but know that far wiser people will be along shortly - however, I would get a 2nd opinion from a solicitor if I were you. It surely cannot be right that your ex is entitled to still enter your property without your permission?

Thanks Rinder, apparently he can still come in because he owns half of it - it's the law - surely a major loophole.

no,there are ways round this. but if he becomes abusive at all,call police each time so you can consider an injunction.
also,change your number. no more texts then.
and get a csa aessment...no more cuts in maintenence.
you need to get tough or you may lose your new man.
oh,and divorce him....sends the message you need him to have!!

Mrsj I have done the phone thing but have been told not to change the locks because of the ownership thing. I will take a second opinion from another solicitor. Have you had experience or know about the exclusion from the house on the basis if emotional harm? I'd like to know more about that if pos. Many thanks.

What an arse!
He cannot take your son from you, he is using the mind games because he knows you are vulnerable enough for them to hurt you.
Agree with getting another solicitor, surely he could be excluded from the house due to domestic violence!
Could womens aid give you advice?

IloveTiffany, I am in process of divorcing him now and am just about to go to CSA. Mrsj what kind of order can the sol slap on him to ensure he pays the mortgage? At mo he pays nothing except a bit of maintenance

I am in touch with Women's Aid and am waiting for some specialist emotional abuse counselling to help me cope with everything. Apparently, if he is not threatening me physically, then there is nothing anyone can do - I find this v hard to stomach

ilove, just to say I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm in a similar position though it hasn't got as bad (and hopefully won't) but I know how horrible and upsetting it all is, especially when your ex is in a position to threaten you with withdrawing maintenance. Makes you feel powerless, furious and terrified - probably just what he wants. I'm so sorry. Can't offer much advice, except that you must start initiating moves so that you can eventually feel safe in your own home - whether this is by selling the one you're in, or making it legally yours. I know it's tough but get as much support as you can around you - do you have family and friends who can back you up?

Really feel for you.

Thanks CJC. The house is on the market but no joy yet. Feel so trapped in every way and am desperate to get out of this unsafe house as I feel like I'm being burgled on a regular basis. Can't believe I have no privacy at all - makes me feel sick the thought of hime touching my stuff

Next time he walks into the house ring the police and say he is threatening you and show them the texts (he is threatening you).

MrsJ thanks for the info, I'll look into those terms. MrsB he only comes in the house when he knows I'm not at home. He's actually very clever and only pushes it so far because he knows if he threatened me he would be in big trouble. But the drip drip effect of constant criticism and putting me down coupled with the threats is what's really bringing me down. I feel persecuted every day of my life and it's the psychological effects of what he's done to me and what he's doing now that are so damaging. A lot of my friends are saying "don't worry about it, just put it in the hands of the solicitor" but it's not that simple. I feel sick when I see him and am not able to look at him or go anywhere near him. I don't think he's ever going to leave me alone. Does anyone have any tips on how I can cope with they emotional effects of this?

MrsJ thanks for the info, I'll look into those terms. MrsB he only comes in the house when he knows I'm not at home. He's actually very clever and only pushes it so far because he knows if he threatened me he would be in big trouble. But the drip drip effect of constant criticism and putting me down coupled with the threats is what's really bringing me down. I feel persecuted every day of my life and it's the psychological effects of what he's done to me and what he's doing now that are so damaging. A lot of my friends are saying "don't worry about it, just put it in the hands of the solicitor" but it's not that simple. I feel sick when I see him and am not able to look at him or go anywhere near him. I don't think he's ever going to leave me alone. Does anyone have any tips on how I can cope with they emotional effects of this?

Non molestation order and occupation order excluding him from the house. then you can change the locks.

Certainly sounds like harrassement from the texts.

I think you will only be able to get to grips with the emotional issues when you feel safe in your own house again, so I would go back to some different solicitors pronto, send him a warning letter then take him to court.

Thanks Spero. I know it's harrassment and it's causing me a great deal of distress mentally. It's weird though - if he physically attacked me, the machine would kick in but just because it's mental no-one seems to take it seriously.

I feel really nervous posting on here because he always seems to know what I'm doing somehow. Gives me the creeps.

you don't need physical violence to get a non molestation order (but it helps...). he could be ordered not to intimidate, harrass or pester, which sounds exactly what he is doing.

Occupation orders are serious, so you would need to have some proof that he has been back in, but if he hasn't lived there for a while, the court will probably be sympathetic as its not like you are taking roof from over his head.

o, you've also got the past violence, so you can say you are worried it would start up again.

Sound like there needs to be an Injunction Order to keep him away. He is continuing to bully you cos he knows you will take it and get scared. Stand up to him. Dont be frightened, tell him the police are notified and you will take action if he continues to behave in this manner. He cant contunue to enter YOUR house, even though you are still married and take stuff. I told my Ex to stuff the maintenance and that i would withhold my ds from seeing him if he threatened to with hold the money. Its happend so many times here . He used to bully me and be violent pushing me around. I am not afraid any more, i have drawn the line and told him what s whats. He now either does as i wish or go stuff himself.

He also pushed me after we had split up and i nearly fell over so i got him arrested. Enuf is Enuf !!

ilovetrees, hope you are ok today. Please keep posting if it helps.