Lost and Lonely

[lostinlonely]

We have three young teenage children, I have always worked, I have been back to college several times and I have a job I love.I work four and a half days a week. I run the house, pay most of the bills and see to everyone else. Hubby is a work a hollic 24/7, Ive known this for years. Over the past year I have put weight on and gone from a size 14 to a size 16, I feel fat and unatractive. But still I keep everything going..
Resently my hubby took on more work and as usual I gave him 100% of my time doing everything for him to help.
Last week I was due for a operation I was going to be sterilised but I went down with bad flu and had to cancell.
But I'm really fed up of my hubby selfishness
when I told him that I was going to cancell all he did was strug his shoulders as replied "what ever".
But the finall straw came last night he basically implied I was to big to be made loved to and made me feel totally un loved.
I have always respected my hubby and done everything that has need to be done for our family, but I have really had enough.
I feel like telling him his a crap dad who has never had time for the children, and I'm fed up of being a bladly slave, there have never been support for me and I feel like I'm going to burst. But I dont want a divorce i just want him to start treating me better and being a proper family before i start to loss it.
This relationship is so one sided.

Sorry to hear this - sounds like stuff is all getting on top of you.

You're doing several jobs and he is doing one and he needs to recognize this. I have felt a bit like you - as though I was just a slave at everyone's beck and call and there to just make sure everyone else's lives were tickety boo - and my DH was working long hours but there are long hours and then there are taking the piss - plus when he wasn't working he was sailing, on PC, cricket - whatever other than be with the family.

So I took matters into my own hands - I still loved him but did not like him. I began to organise my and DC lives with him as an option - so I arranged for us to visit friends, go away, days out etc without him. I began to get back my life and it worked - he realised he was loosing me and that I was rather enjoying everything without him. It took a while - but I was so much happier. Now he is much more part of our lives and we all a lot happier.

I think sometimes men are immensely emotionally thick.

thanks for your message I started to do some of the things you suggested this was a long time ago and I have fallen back into that routine again. This time it seems like I should just keep it going until he notices which will be quiet a while I'm sure.
Your right, and thanks for your time and comments.
I'm new to this site and dont quiet know how to use this site yet, so thanks for your message it means alot.

lostinlinely - just a small, small thing but could you start an exercise class? I know that sounds a bit like 1950's-style advice but ... . It would be for you. If necessary, pay for a babysitter so that you can go.

Oddly enough, acknowledging that your time is valuable enough to pay someone else to stand in for can be a step on the road of self-esteem and self-assertion.

You sound a bit buried and under-appreciated here. So it would be a way of just clearing a little space around you, to see that it is you that's standing there.

Another virtue of an exercise class is that it builds feelings of well-being.

And another is that ... it gets you fit. Which can be a tremendous morale boost.

I'm just suggesting this as a small, practical, right-now thing because I suspect you are going to have to ... erm ... (hunts for polite phrase) ... work (?) ... on your husband's attitude and that might take a bit of time and energy.

I'm a bit p.o.'d on your behalf that you are being taken for granted.

And size 16 is not that big. Harumph.

I presume when your husband looks at himself in the mirror he is quite pleased with what he seesan adonis perhaps!!! We all change shape and appearance as we get olderhas he not changed at all.

Cherryblossom's idea of exercise and time for you is excellent.

Jesus, what a horrendous attitude from your DH regarding your op I think it sounds as if you (both) are stuck in a rut and sounds like your DH is massively taking you for granted (understatement!).

As for what he said to you about making love, what a cruel b**rd! Sorry but he is. OK perhaps you have started to care less about making an effort for him (and who would blame you!!)....but....it is very difficult for you to justify making an effort for someone who does not reciprocate and in fact puts you down (that might be his way way of making less effort for you, vicious cycle maybe?). What I mean is that maybe you could go back down to a size 14 but would that mean he would suddenly start doing the dishes (for example), appreciating you as a person? It goes both ways and TBH if you have went up one size he needs to get a grip. BTW I have friends who are way bigger than size 16 and they are sexy as hell and have partners that love them and respect them. 16 is nothing.

And by the way, I'm not pointing blame in your direction AT ALL, just trying to see both sides of the story. He is out of order and there is no taking away from that but arguing will get you (both) nowhere.

If you can get him to have a serious chat with you, at base level and serious. You telling him that your feelings are really hurt and what he is actually doing is making you feel unappreciated and insecure and maybe he can open up and talk to you (in a nice way) about the things that are on his mind. Maybe go out for a meal to get the ball rolling and so he can't turn on the telly and pretend he is all occupied.

Good luck, I think you can fix this...but....he absolutely has to take his 50% responsibility for your marriage and listen to you as much as you will listen to him.

Hi guys I don't mean to sound a stupid but I don't know what some of the abbreviations mean...
But thanks for feed back I'm just on the internet looking for a short break
thanks

Acronyms