Desperate

[elkiedee]

I've lived with my partner for more than 11 years, we talked very early on about wanting kids but then didn't have them until much more recently.

We now have a 2 year old and a nearly 4 month old but our relationship is falling apart. He keeps getting angry with me over anything and everything and nothing at all, and I can't deal with it.

DS1 loves daddy totally and if we split as it seems we're going to it's going to break his heart.

I just don't know what to do.

poor you - first of all, NOT to excuse your DPs behaviour, but it is extremely stressful having two v. small DCs, and I think a lot of couples go through a period of arguements etc. due to lack of sleep/constant childcare...

Is there anyway you can talk to him about this - just the two of you? Maybe get someone to take the babies for an evening so you and your DP can try and talk.

He is, of course, being grossly unfair to you, if he really is getting angry over petty things. You must be exhausted with caring for a small baby and toddler, and he needs to be stepping up and taking charge of other things like cooking/housework.

Would couples' counselling be an option? Maybe you need someone to be a neutral third-party so you can voice your grievances with each other without resorting to emotional outbursts of anger.

Also, most importantly, do you still love your DP? I know love isn't everything, but if you still respect and love each other, there must be a way to get through this.

As the children get older, it will get easier, I promise.

I also agree that couple's counseling could make all the difference. Having that person to put things in perspective for you could be very helpful. Best of luck!

elkie-so sorry this is happening- couldn't not post...

How was he after ds1's birth? /the first few months are so insane- it's impossible to get anything done other than basic living, and the lack of sleep is a killer- I am such an ogre when I am tired how is is sleep?

Have you asked him why he is so angry? I think you need to talk to each other, but I know how difficult it is to get chance

elkiedee, having two small children is extremely hard work. You and your partner were together for very long before having children, the dynamics of daily life and as a couple change once children arrive. It is probably a shock to the system for him (men are a bit less capable of dealing with change I think!).

Please try and work at it, splitting up is not the only way out. What do you do when he gets angry? Maybe you need to be the strong one here, keep your cool. When he gets snappy try to ignore it or tell him you'll talk later and discuss things when he is not upset. There is no point in talking to someone who is angry. Also, try to give him hugs and kisses to make him feel loved (I know it's difficult when you're fed up with his behaviour).

You poor thing. Up late stressing over it aren't you? First of all GET SOME SLEEP. The more tired you are the less you'll be able to deal with your hubby's moods (sounds like he's stressed and tired himself).

What you're going through happens to alot of couples who've got a toddler and a newborn. Really it does. And it doesn't mean it's the end.

Try to have a heart to heart with him - without getting too emotional and blaming him - men even if they're in the wrong hate being told that. Just say you love him,that you want to be a happy loving family again - just ask to try to understand each others tiredness/ stresses. Maybe you can try to understand what each other needs from the other. What the triggers are that might upset him when he's already in a mood.

My hubby and I try to remember one piece of advice I was given before we got married by a dear old lady "Be nice to one another" - harder said than done with kiddies.

I feel for you. Keep a cool head and Good luck.

Ooh and I agree with MojoLost, try to give him affection (I know hard when he's being a pain!) but if you give him some much needed TLC (back rub/ cuddle/ cup of tea etc) - along with a heart to heart I suggested - things fingers crossed may improve .

Thanks for your responses. The reason why I posted so late was that the rows started last night at about midnight.

And I can't really ignore shouting and/or swearing - he wasn't shouting in the middle of the night but he was swearing at me.

We sort of patched things up a little but I'm still not sure if we can sort things out from here.

I do think you need to try and get to the root of why he is so angry- resentment, tiredness, depression even... swearing at you is inexcusable though

I know another mner who split from her h when ds2 was 4 mo... very similar age gap too. That was a year or so ago, and I think things are working well for them.

I don't want to split up but this is really hurting. And I'm worried about our 2 year old.

I also have a 2 year old and a 5 month old right now and my DP and I are still trying to adjust to having a small baby in the house again. If anything, I am the one with the shorter fuse - but he is the only one who can wind me up!

Part of the challenge of having a second baby, I think, is that the 2 year old is at such a fun stage and then you have to start all over again whilst potty training, sorting sleep issues etc. It is like life simply revolves around us being parents and it is so hard to find 'adult time' so being a couple has to take something of a back seat.

Are you on maternity leave or are you a SAHM? We often figure that the situation will improve once I go back to work in September as then I will not be 'stuck' at home all day with two little people who, great fun as they are, do not give me the intellectual challenge I need to cope better.

Perhaps your DH, like mine, struggles with the idea of coming home to something of a manic household where things do not seem to have been done. I have lost count of the number of times my DP has started filling the dishwasher before checking in properly with the children and me!

I think you need to find the time to talk about this. How was your relationship before DC2 arrived? If things were fine prior to this then it probably is mostly down to sleep deprivation, stress and other 'new baby' issues.

Have you managed to leave both children with someone else - even for an hour or so - so that you can spend some time reconnecting?

Good luck and congratulations on the new baby.

I'm on maternity leave (returning late October/early November) and ds1 is continuing with his childminder during the days.

This doesn't mean you have to split - even if it looks bleak right now. You're both just super tired and stressed. I agree with Dysgu - find the time to talk about it a bit- and also try to be a couple again without kiddy stresses for an hour here or there. Can someone just babysit for an hour and you both pop off and have a walk/ drink somewhere? Failing that a cuddle on the sofa with a cup of tea (oh the racy lives us Mummies lead!).

My DH and I went through a similar patch when our 2nd baby was 4 months old. I cried all day and night for weeks it seemed and almost walked out but was too tired to pack everything I'd need (typical kitchen sink mum that I am . Eventually we had a chat, now things aren't perfect but much better - we understand each other more now and want to make it work.

I agree. It just takes time and the recognition that the first 12 months with a new baby are saiddo strugl to be the hardest as far as relationships go.

I am in almost the same position. DD1 still goes to her CM twice a week (to keep the place and because she loves it there and I get some 1-1 time with DD2) and am returning to work in September.

Sometimes I think that my life is quite easy - DD1 is now at CM for the next 4 hours and I have just got a 5 month old to look after. That said, I do struggle to find the days exciting - fun perhaps but interesting.

At the moment I think part of the problem is that I envy DP who gets to go off to work each day and he envies me for being able to stay home and 'play' all day. There is no way we can work around this and so we simply have to accept it and recognise that these are our current roles.

Another aspect is that with 2DC we find it is a constant balance so that we each get to have some time with both if possible and the evenings seem to be a never ending race to getting them both to bed. My DP is wonderful and generally puts DD2 down for the night (bottle feeding) and may then end up settling DD1 depending on how I am feeling.

I just feel that I hardly get to stop all day - especially when I have both of them - and even envy the 3-4 hours he spends each day commuting!

Keep trying to talk - if you still love each other then this is just one of many times that you are going to have to work things through.

Good Luck.

Any better Elkie?