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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help - Dont' want to become that other woman

26 replies

movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 01:51

Ok here's the thing. Still friends with ex and get on really well with him now. Ds has ALOT of problems so we regularly have to speak about him and often very long.

He had a girlfriend of 6months. She's lovely, the boy thinks she's great. She doesn't always understand ds' problems but she seems understanding about there being problems.

Personally i wish him luck in his happiness but how do I stop myself from slipping into that other person of a relationship. I don't want that role and don't want to cause him problems but don't have any idea what the problems of the situation can be as never been on the other side of things and don't really get jelousy in relationships so looking for some advice from those in the know.

Please don't disappointment

OP posts:
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 27/05/2009 01:54

If you have a child together then you are almost stuck with each other. Your relationship is what you make it. If it's purly for your child then this is what you have. It's not an affair, you are not the other woman. If his girlfriend has a problem with him caring for his son then she's the problem. Not you.

fortyplus · 27/05/2009 01:56

I can't offer advice from personal experience, but it sounds as though you have a very sensible outlook. I would be inclined to thank xp's new woman for her understanding and say how good it is that your ds thinks she's great. Hopefully she won't see you as a threat to her relationship if you make it clear that you only ever wish to stay friends with xp because of your ds.

Geocentric · 27/05/2009 01:56

Just keep the friendship/relationship boundaries very clear and be consistent with these boundaries. It's all you can reasonably do, I think. If his gf sees things as being well defined, there should be no reason for any problems.

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 01:58

Cool get that, but are there things that bug if you had the other persons shoes on? eg ringing during day at weekend and spoiling plans etc

Need rules, like rules, like structure, don't function without and feeling lost so some specifics would help

OP posts:
Geocentric · 27/05/2009 02:01

Maybe you 3 should have a friendly chat about things like: when is it a good time to talk about ds - night, day during work? What are good times for meeting/picking up/dropping off which won't interfere with your or ex/gf's routines? etc

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 02:02

OMG ex right i'm just like the boy! structure is the key -that explains alot

OP posts:
Geocentric · 27/05/2009 02:02

She hasn't been his gf for that long, but if she feels included in any rule-setting, it might help.

Totally get you about rules, btw. They save a lot of hassle and misunderstanding!

fortyplus · 27/05/2009 02:08

Definitely bolster gf's self esteem by thanking her for her understanding. I'm sure that the fact that you don't wish to intrude unnecessarily and are offering to fit in with what they want will go a long way towards maintaining the current good relationship. That's what we all want, isn't it? Not to be taken for granted? So by acknowledging that sometimes needing to chat about your son's problems is an unwelcome intrusion for her then you are showing that you understand her feelings and doing your best to be reasonable. If she is still around and being supportive after 6 months then she will gradually come to understand your ds's problems better. You certainly don't need to worry about being the 'other woman' - your xp has obligations towards your son and seems very supportive.

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 02:09

I suppose it should reassure me that he feels that if she doesn't get it that the boy comes first she's gone. But it just makes me feel like I want to make sure he has a good shot at happiness as he is being very suportive and really turned things about in the last month and putting the boy first.

Ex is so laid back he's barely alive and doesn't see the need for rules hence the help request here. MNetters not failed me yet.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 27/05/2009 02:12

Talk to her - you can have a good bitch about him

Geocentric · 27/05/2009 02:15

Good idea, fortyplus. Moving, you can do the whole "oooh, you know what he's like, so what do you think" thing

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 02:23

already done that, we sort of ended up ganging up on him first time we met

OP posts:
Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 02:24

Don't see her that often 3 1/2hrs drive between me and ex but heading that way tomo so will try when/if see her.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 27/05/2009 02:24

No wonder she gets on ok with you

Geocentric · 27/05/2009 03:11

You sound like the ideal "other woman"!!

Good luck with tomorrow!

howtotellmum · 27/05/2009 09:00

Is there the tiniest chance you are regretting that he is your "ex p" now? The fact that you have thought of being the OW implies you feel that there is an emotional bond which exceeds the role of ex partner/mother of your child.

The practicalities are easy enough- it's what's happening in your head that matters.

are you being honest with yourself over how you feel?

madameovary · 27/05/2009 09:17

How is he? is he mature in his dealings with you both?
I ask as my ex left me for OW and has tried to set us against each other. I am beyond that now but know she suffers from jealousy about me really badly and he has ruined - probably deliberately - any chance of her seeing me as anything other than the enemy.

I would love to take the very sensible and mature approach that you are adopting here as I would like them to be happy, purely because it will be better for our DD, but all I can do is refuse to play his games.

So, to answer your question, I think your fears are unfounded if your ex has a similar attitude to you. Good luck!

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 10:15

Actually i think you have hit on the problem, i don't think he can really handle the face that we will happily sit and talk. Plus i know that he likes to play emotional games which is one of the things that spilt us up. The strange thing is I don't quite know where I stand as he is being far more supportive now then when we were together and we talk better. It is possible as that is in MY head as i have issues about letting people into my emotional space and is another reason why we split up.

Maybe I am enjoying the fact I don't have to explain everything. I have no choice but to be nice to him for Ds. I don't normally keep friends as I can't handle them in my emotional space.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 27/05/2009 10:24

Is it possible that what you say about him- unable to handle talking etc- also applies to you? don't want to go all psycho babble but is there any chance you are projecting what you feel onto him and saying it's his behaviour that is the issue?

Why should the fact that you can talk and be mutually supportive be a "problem" to him? he doesn't seem to be having a problem- it seems to be you that is having the problem with it all- which is why you posted!

madameovary · 27/05/2009 11:31

When you say emotional games what do you mean? Do you not trust him to be honest with you?
If that is the case then just ignore him and get talking to this woman as quickly and quietly as possible.
As for enjoying the fact that you dont have to explain everything - I hear you!
We exes are actually in the best position if we are happy that the relationship is over.

Quite often these men will seem more supportive because the emotional intensity is gone - or because they prefer your company over a "demanding" (ie normal!) partner that they dont have the emotional maturity to handle.
In which case they do start to treat you like the OW (my ex tried this) and you are right to be wary.

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 27/05/2009 23:38

Ahhh truthfully a bit of both howto and madameovary with possibly a bit of howto's 1st thrown in for good measure.

Me thinks her who don't do emotions better get doing and figure this out properally [confused emoticon]

may get back to you when figured it out.

Although i did me he looks very uncomfortable and gets really stroppy with me when me and her talk. But think it may have been a fraudian slip which is far more telling [arrrrh emoticon]

OP posts:
Original poster
movingintothefuture · 28/05/2009 23:41

madamovary you were very right. he just tried the OW trick for the reasons you gave about your ex and I think that this is something that I need to back away from NOW. And I am going to have to deal with all of above but also be really careful about how much I discuss with ex. The conversation is about ds not anything else. He needs to just be an ex and not a friend right now.

OP posts:
madameovary · 29/05/2009 16:20

Sorry to hear this
It is very very difficult if not impossible to be friends with a manipulative/immature/emotionally abusive/controlling ex.
Give nothing away and stay on your guard until such time as you can emotionally detach. Self protection is vvvv important right now.

Original poster
movingintothefuture · 29/05/2009 21:55

At least I am leaving his area tomo early and most of ds visits are a swap at a mid point. ALthough he has said that he doesn't want ds next weekend as orignally planned, as he can't cope with him. Ds has been VERY challenging the last few days and i would prefer he to be honest like that before ds knows the plans so will re-arrange it. Hopefully a return to normal routine will stablise ds a bit more. I think that i have a weakness for ex that I have to deal with, and not just to the point of where i think i am ok with it but to a point where i know I am OVER it. Got caught out by that too. Life is a long and rocky road with many challenges to face and make us stronger. I just need to work a bit harder. Thanks though for all advice am computer and ex free for a week and will start moving into the future

OP posts:
madameovary · 30/05/2009 09:02

Good luck