What am I to do? All comments welcome

[k850plus]

I am sure there will be someone out there with some thoughts on my dilema! Think I am in love with someone other than my hubby!!! Married 20 yrs with 2 teens, hubby has cheated twice, once when kids were little and it lasted about 6 months with me, like a doormat, allowing it to continue right under my nose with him staying away overnight to be with her whilst I had sleepless nights with 2 kids (not that he ever did his bit in that department when he was there), and again 2 yrs ago, though he claims "they were only friends"! He was caught out as he mistakenly made a call to me on his mobile in which I could hear male and female voices and the local radio station playing in the background, and when challenged in the morning claimed to have been in the pub with a mate until I mentioned hearing the local "jingle" when he came clear about it!! - yes I know I should have sorted it but when kids were young couldn't face being a single parent so bumbled along, and more recently, well I am just a pathetic waste of space with no backbone!!! It has rankled all that time to the point I definitely no longer love or respect him, infact I dearly wish he would have another affair and I would kick him out this time! Have been trying to muster the courage to ask him to leave/or just leave myself for years but have failed miserably. He claims we can't afford to split when I raise the subject, claims its all my fault as if I hadn't gone off sex back when the kids were small he wouldn't have been tempted to play away!! and it's all been my fault ever since cause I still don't want sex with him!! Now I have discovered that a friend of some 30plus years has secretly felt the same for me as I have for him all that time!!! He has been a constant in my life since working together when leaving college, but we have never been single at the same time so somehow never got together, and only recently managed to have the conversation that lead us to realize we both felt the same. He is now single, I dearly wish I was and we both want the chance to see if it would work for us. Am I right to want to discard my husband, father of my two kids, for the chance to see if it would work? It has definitely not been a happy marriage for many years, kids are now spending more and more time out of the house and I dread the time we are left in the house together as it's so strained. It's such a waste of valuable time - but I hesitate out of a sense of "misguided" loyalty and in the knowledge that he has no support network to help him through. Yet I don't want my chance of possible happiness to disappear.

As long as you are upfront with your DH and don't do to him what he done to you. Some people would say he deserves it but two wrongs don't make a right. Treat people the way you want to be treated.

It's your life, you say the marriage has been over for years. I would not leave for the other man though as you don't know how it will turn out and you could probably do better with a bit of time on your own before diving head first into an unknown situation with someone else. If the OM wasn't around, would you still be wanting to leave....or has the OM highlighted to you that you need to sort out your personal life?

Only you know what to do but I'd resist allowing the OM to be the gauge on the future of your marriage.

Good advice there from HG...I can't really add to it, but if your marriage has run it's course, all you have to do is tell him and separate. Whatever else happens is by the by.

20 yars is a long time to be sure - but you could have another 20 left. why spend it with him?

Would you still feel the same if this new man/old friend wasnt in the picture?

Big thanks to you 3 guys for coming back to me My first post and I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested. I have wanted not to be with my hubby for many years actually - but confess all the practical/financial stuff, plus "is it right to deny him/the kids that family set up have been holding me back, well that's what I tell myself anyway! It's also a serious case of lack of bottle to do take a hold of my life. But it's not just mine is it, it's the kids lives. Hubby is not a real hands on Dad, there is no visible special bond between him and either child, that's not to say he doesn't love them, but he finds it dificult to show it. His relationship with his parents is pretty crap and he seems to be repeating that with ours. He is actually very verbally abusive to our 17yr old son and threatens physical abuse from time to time!! He constantly puts him, and me down - saying how useless we are etc etc; and frequently tells me how it's my fault his life is so miserable and uses the "might as well end it all now" card on a regular basis for the sympathy vote. Whilst I don't actually think he would do himself any harm, it's pretty daunting to have that threat thrown in your face! The kids never ask him for permission for anything - they always come to me as they know his first response will be to moan about the cost/how much of his time it will take up etc, I always have to negotiate on their behalf, and often end up going behind his back and suffer the verbal backlash myself later! It's no way to live is it? They wouldn't blame me for wantin out really would they? Should I discuss the option with them before taking serious steps to leave(with kids of course)/try and negotiate that he leaves?

Leaving for the OM is not my intention, there is no plan to move in, but knowing that it could be a future option has spurred me on to give it much more serious thought I confess.

Life is too short to spend it in such unhappiness. 20 years of your life have gone by like this, my god, how awful.

I wouldn't waste my time feeling sorry for your husband, - had he been a better man to you, he would have a loving wife right now, not one whose love and respect for him he has killed by his own actions.

Leave.

You have a right to be happy. He can reap what he sowed and he has nobody to blame but himself.

It does sound as if your marriage is over. You are not the first person to be spurred to split by the realisation that relationships don't have to be like this.

Splitting is a bit like childbirth or the driving test - hard and difficult and painful and emotionally draining and expensive, but ultimately short-term pain for long-term gain.

Your dh seems likely to make it very difficult and melodramatif and blame you for ruining his life etc. He may make suicide gestures. It will be hard for the kids: they will be torn between you however they feel about him as a dad; they may go through phases of rejecting you or their dad.

You can't avoid the pain and guilt, but you can at least be prepared. My advice is going to sound very calculating but I think you need to plan ahead to minimise the damage from the split. Look at the finances, think about how and where you will live, where the children will be, understand the steps you do and don't need to take. THink about how dh will react and plan for this.

And when you are ready do it. The moment will come.

But I would NOT involve the children - this is your responsibility, not theirs. Don't ask them for permission to leave - it's up to you to bite the bullet. If they don't understand why you need to then explain to them - they are old enough to understand. And even if they do understand and think it's a good thing do remember it is going to have a massive impact on their lives and they are going to need a lot of cherishing through it.

Wow - 2 more comments since I updated,this is encouraging! You see I can't make decisions on my own, I have always been someone who needs pushing and shoving into stuff, dragged kicking and screaming sometimes even. I have been told that I was never like that before hubby, that he has dragged me down into a depressive state because he is so negative about everything. Don't get me wrong he isn't an awful loathesome layabout type of guy, but it turns out he is not the man I married, or maybe he is I just didn't see it! I can be selfish in many ways but this ultimate act of self preservation seems to be asking too much of myself! Why can't I do it for the kids - they can never have friends over to sleep, he doesn't want other people in the house. No-one ever feels welcome in the house when he is around, my family tell me they always feel as if he doesn't want them there.

Keep the encouragement coming - Mumsnet just could be my saving grace

Hmm - how are you going to manage when you are in the maelstrom of splitting up? You need to toughen up a bit. What are you most afraid of - what's going to happen when you do tell him you are serious and want a divorce?

I think you have toleave your DHs dalliances out of the equation to an extent- that's the past. it wasn't right, but you stuck with him, for whatever reasons suited you then.

what matters now is whether you still enjoy being with him, whether you still have sex(?0 whether you look forward to being alone when your DCs have flown the nest.

You might not end up with this other guy, but what it has mde you realise is that there is life out there, and you want to be with someone you really like.

For what it's worth, I was in a similar position a long time back, with an ex, who came back into my life - I put my kids first and we are still married, I didn't leave, though I am still not sure what is going to happen.

My ex didn't want to upset the family so he kept his distance, to an extent- I didn't leave because he wasn't making enough of the right noises for me, ...it was all a big misunderstanding! I loved him and will always care deeply for him, but he is now married again ( he left his wife anyway, even though I wwouldn't leave my H)- so I'd say- just go for what you dream about. good luck.

What am I most afraid of? I hate confrontation, never seem to be able to get my point across strongly enough, he always shouts me down and seems to manage to persuade me that he is right and I am wrong and at fault. I know i need to toughen up - it's been said many times. I need to dig really deep this time and see this throuh. I know my family and friends will be there to support and help - they all know how I feel about hubby and how our lives are. They don't know about OM, he is known as a long standing friend and maybe some have guessed I have much stronger feelings for him that just as a friend, i am not sure. He is very supportive, wants me to do this for myself and the kids. He is promising nothing other than his support
as a friend, and is adamant that we should remain friends regardless of how things might turn our afterwards. He went through a similar thing several years ago and knows the agony ahead for me. But like me, he wants the chance for us to see if we could make it as a couple/partnership somewhere down the line - there is no pressure to leave for him, only to free myself up for better life.

My SIL had such a marriage - her DH was a grumpy old man at a very young age and never got any better. It took many years but eventually she took the first step and simply declared one day that she thought they ought to separate.Astonishingly he agreed and he quickly moved out .
SIL did have a friend waiting in the wings but he remained just a friend for some time before he eventually moved in -only after her DCs had left home. Strangely enough her DH has become a much nicer person by all reports
Be kind to yourself and the children -and yes to your DH too.
Take time to reassess your feelings about him, the marriage -and maybe, your friends place in all this.
But HG is right.Anything you do must be for you and your Dcs first and foremost.
There is a big wide world out there and its full of exciting possibilities.It makes me sad to think that someone can spend so much valuable time locked into a damaging relationship.

How old are you? 40? 45? 50?

Picture yourself at 70. Still with him. Kids grown, gone, families of their own. Maybe they visit you once a month, maybe they live abroad and you see them every few years, who knows.

It's just you and him. In your house. You don't even talk to each other any more, nothing beyond "do you want a cup of tea". You've been pottering about in the garden, he's watching tv. You come in, you sit in the chair and you look across at him. What do you see?

This is your life to come. You are 70, you've just plodded along in an unhappy marriage for 40, 50 years - for what?

OMG you guys are so inspiring - thanks. My sis got me into this, she posted re her disaster of a marriage and got such encouraging feedback, now its my turn and I have not been let down.

It's one thing to poor your heart out to loved ones and get back encouragment, but quite another to put it down in print and have those who know nothing other than what they read come back with very much the same wise words as those who love you.

HT that picture you paint - exactly what I don't want, but exactly what I am gonna get if I don't act now.

And for the record - I am 50 and a bit, no we don't have sex cause i dont want him, he does nothing for me at all on the emotional/physical/mental from at all.

It's over isn't it - really I am being cruel to him by staying. That's it I will take the line I am doing it for him!!!!

What will being divorced entail for you? will you need to sell the home and each buy smaller? do you work? have you any money of your own? If I were you, I'd arrange to see a family solicitor asap to find out where you would stand financially, before you say anything to your H.

Look, you deserve to be happy. Having been through it once, I can say that a single affair can be a mistake, but a second one shows a total disregard for you and your feelings. I can see why you stayed - but the kids are older now and you have done your bit. personally I think your H has made his bed and will now have to lie in it. It's nice having someone to help you leave, but please don't depend on this other bloke - it may not work out so imagine how you will be if it doesn't.

Make sure you quickly get the skills to support yourself so you can be financially independent, and think about how you will meet other people if the new relationship fails. I'm sure the kids haven't been oblivious to how unhappy your H has made you and may even be pleased. Once they have left home, do you really want to be staring at his mug and washing his pants in old age?

I would listen to all the people on here. Bite the bullet, make sure you know your rights, legally speaking, and just tell him you want to separate.

The OM is another issue entirely and you should look at them as two separate issues.

Good luck. I hope you find happiness.

Just wanted to say, this is my sister's thread and that Im proud of her for finally posting this. She has put up with her marriage sham for too long now. Ive been listening and advising and listenting and advising her for years over her marriage problems, but know only too well that decisions have to come from within. she helped me when i was going through my nightmare. Sometimes we just need another person's take on things. Im hoping now that she will realise she does deserve better and will go on and make the right decision and have a better life. Between us we didnt pick too well on the husband front!!!

Try this 10.10.10 method
Think of the two options - one at a time.
THen imagine the consequences of each option
in ten mins, ten months and then ten years time.

Hey sis - how did you guess it was me? No work to do again? All these kind and helpful words do make you think don't they. Not that your kind words go unheard - proud of your big sis eh! thanks x x For the record I am proud of my baby sis - if you only knew the shit she had to deal with you would be too. Hubby would kill i am sure if he knew I was doing this. OM would say whatever it takes to get you where you want/need to be.

Ok, definately leave your H, there is no point staying with someone you don't want to be with.

Then you're free to embark on other relationships, regardless of whether they work out or not you should be free to try.