Please tell me if things ever get better

[RacingSnake]

Hi. I never thought I would be part of this topic, but I am absolutely at my wits' end.

Since DD was born my DH is besotted with her and finds me at best an inconvience because I don't do things his way (ie the right way).

DD was born to us rather late after IVF (for which he blames me for waiting until we were in our mid thirties to start trying.) There will not be another, due to age and cost.

She is now over two and I love her very much, but he is besotted. He will never criticise her or her behaviour.

Tonight he started on at me again because we are trying to potty train her. I bought special sweets which she can have if she does a wee on her pot. We have discussed it at length and she frequently sits on it to no avail. This evening she wanted to do a wee, told DH, than ran to the back door and did it on the rug (potty was right next to where she was sitting). I said she really does not want to use it. He claimed that I was saying she has a twisted mind, that I was making everything difficult - the whole fault is mine.

He had already eaten a meal I took over half an hour to cook, having specially driven to the supermarket and bought lamb because he doesn't feel well and feels he needs 'good food'. He ate the whole plate without comment. DD refused hers and would only eat mine. He watched without comment as she ate al my meat and fresh broad beans, leaving me to finish the cold food on her plate. (Identical) Then they got down, walked out of the room without a word to me and went to watch DVD's. I took in yogurts. No response.

I cleaned out the bath (he had tipped all her toys in to find her toothbrush becuase she wanted to play teeth cleaning and left them there) and filled it for them. They are now having a bath, laughing and playing together and I just want to cry here on my own.

I can rarely get any resonse from him when she is present, although he is usually perfectly pleasant when she is not there (having a nap).

My mother is made very cross by this, which doesn't help their relationship, so I try not to moan to her. I don't want my friends to dislike DH, becuase I actually, apart from feeling rather hurt and badly treated, feel sorry for him. I feel he is being a bit of an idiot.

How unusual is this? Does a daddy ever get over it and remember that he must have married for a reason?

I don't want your post to go unanswered but their relationship does sound a bit intense & unhealthy.

How are things between you in the bedroom? My only suggestion is to go to relate where perhaps an outsiders perspective may help him realise that putting your dd on a pedestal is not good for her.

Oh dear. Usually you hear about the mum doing this. I don't know what to say. If it keeps up she might get very spoilt if daddy always takes her side and doesn't present a united front with you. I can't see how he is going to get any less besotted with her (until she becomes a stroppy teenage interested in boys)

Can you absolutely definitely not have another one?

Nothing against your dd
But is there anyway you and dh can get away for the weekend just the 2 of you
Sounds like you need time to yourselves for him to remember

I think you need professional help tbh.

Time for yourselves is what you need, as others have said. Good luck.

Your dh is not doing himself any favours being like this with DD
She needs a dad not a best friend

My DH was`nt as bad as your dh but he was always going against me
Like the meal you made and watching dd eat it for example
and the bath toys

It took him time but once he realised Ds was capable of playing us off against each other.
He did calm down alot
not perfect but he does`nt question me now in front of the Dcs like he use to

I think it's because she doesn't answer back yet - it is such an unhealthy & damaging relationship to create, she so needs a Dad not a partner.

I think you may find it hard to get him to agree to family therapy or whatever it is you need but if I were in your shoes I would be very worried and would quite frankly do whatever was necessary to achieve it.

I would tell him that it is very important for your DD that her parents have a healthy relationship and are united. If things continue as they are your relationship may suffer and fail and if that were to happen she would probably end up living with you. and presumably no one, especially him, wants that.

Feeling very guilty for complaining about him now, especially since we have had a perfectly OK evening watching John Donne and he actually read No Man Is An Island because I recommended it and then laughed together at more TV. Not exactly a night out, but even so .... DD was asleep, of course.

DH had an awful, emotionally abusive childhood. He has no role model for being considerate and caring; his mother was totally oppressed by his father. At least he is trying to make sure DD's childhood is happy, which his was not. I just wish I didn't have to be the enemy for trying to introduce a bit of normal life. And, as I said, I think he's making a bit of a fool of himself.

He is unhappy in his job and worried about his health - she is the most wonderful thing in his life. I probably need to go with it.

Family therapy /parenting classes or anything similar would be wonderful, but quite impossible. Going away for a weekend would of course be sensible, but we don't even go out for an evening. If DD can't come, DH won't go. We did go to the cinema in October. It was good to hear that at least one MNer had a DH nearly as daft as mine and he got a bit better.

Thank you for your sympathy - I shall now have a glass of wine and think of all the positive points of our lives.

He is overcompensating then. It is still an unhealthy sounding relationship and you may all suffer for it in future.

Perhaps you there are some parenting books that you could get that might help to enlighten him?

I agree with those who suggest professional help.

There's a really unhealthy dynamic going on here. You are both equal parents, and your dd is the child. Yet your DH is colluding with DD, against you. In some ways you are the big bad figure, yet in other ways you seem to be very passive and childlike (eg sitting there allowing your D to eat your dinner! What the hell is all that about?)

I think you need to tell your DH very firmly that you need some time with him, out of the house. It's nonsense to say he can't go anywhere without his DD. She's two years old FGS! You two need an evening out, and she could probably do with a babysitter -a third party who won't have this whole history of playing the other adult off and creating an unhealthy dynamic.

So - short term - get out and talk to your DH ALONE! Long term - professional support to unravel his childhood issues,and make things better for you all.

Racingsnake you have my complete sympathies.

My XH was and is like this with our DD,its one of the many reasons we have split up.

His treatment of DD is obsessional,hes totally obsessed with her, and i have many times felt like the outsider.

Despite me telling and asking him many times to stop and other members of family pointing out that its not on,he still does it.

I came to the decision that i needed to get her away from all of this needy obsessional behaviour from him and also he is EA towards me and DS,-im looking forward to a calmer house.

Incidentally what i have noticed as DD has got older is that she has no respect for XH,she will kick and hit him (he thinks this is hysterical and encourages her more) but she is very respectful towards me and im the one who has to put the boundaries in place.

XH was also told to go for professional counselling by our relate counsellor last year and just recently but he hasnt and i doubt he ever will.

Hmm. That's worrying. I suppose that I was hoping people would say that it is just a phase. Reassuring to know that your daughter is respectful of you, Soontobe.

The reason I tend to go along with things is that it prevents huge arguments with DH, along the lines of 'She's only 2. Why are you trying to make her out to be bad?'. His parents always made the boys out to be bad, stupid and worthless. When they meet now DH's father still does the same. All DH's qualifications are worthless, his wife is abnormal (me!!!), and when he heard that I was pregnant his only response was 'too many bloody babies in this family'. DH no longer has any direct contact with him, but I don't suppose that you can get past that kind of upbringing without professional help.

I am trying to work very slowly in tiny steps with DH. What he needs is friends, contact with other children and a gentle drip feed of information. Any direct attempts lead to huge confrontations, which I can't cope with.

He stood by me for several years when I was having difficulties; now I need to stand by him and try to help. I think having this conversation with you all has helped to make that clear to me. Sometimes you just need to tell someone how it feels.

I wish that family therapy etc was an option, but he would never contemplate it. He doesn't believe in talking about things.

Maybe you'll have to get counselling yourself then, to make the changes that need to be made. You'll need support. And a lot of books!

Yes, counselling and a lot of books sounds about right! Thank you everyone for taking the time to talk to me. I think I will leave this now, because I am feeling very guilty and disloyal.

You needn't feel disloyal. You're in a difficult situation. I suppose on some level you must have expected that your DH would have difficulties parenting, given hhis experiences of being parented himself. Now it's your turn to help him, and you're prepared to, so you're being loyal, not disloyal.