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In a pickle - advice needed

9 replies

inapickle · 29/04/2003 10:07

Hi everybody,

I don't post on this board very much anymore but do lurk and read the postings. I seem to have found myself in rather a LARGE pickle and was wondering if any of you could offer some constructive advice.

A little bit of background?. Dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for five and have one DS (2yrs old). The situation is very complicated but in a nutshell my husband wants to leave us and move to another country. Basically what has happened is that when I was pg with DS I put on a huge amount of weight (66lbs!!), I became a real home body and was happy putting DH and unborn DS way way way ahead of myself. When DS was born I suffered quite badly with PND and have had to make a monumental effort to get through it - as part of getting better I decided try and regain some of my former confidence by going to the gym and and by going back to work (work was not a choice - it is a financial necessity). DH has reacted to this "new" me with a mixture of fear, insecurity and general nastiness - I think he was comfortable with our lot and happy being in control. Things have gotten worse and worse over the last year not helped by having MIL living with us for six months to ease the financial burden of childcare.

Anyway, sorry for waffling. DH now says that he can't tolerate living with me anymore - that I am self centred and that he doesn't love me and that he wants to return to the country where his mother lives to take care of her (she has cancer). Practically this means that I will be left on my own to provide for a two year old, work full time and somehow cover extremely large debts and a massive mortgage. Does anybody know if I have any rights and would be able to force him to help me financially - in particular I need him to stick around until the house gets sold because I simply cannot afford the mortgage on my own.

The other take on this situation is that DH is winding me up with threats which has no intention of going through with - I am not sure which is worse.

Thanks for reading my epic.

OP posts:

mum2toby · 29/04/2003 10:17

Inapickle - I'm sure you will get a HUGE response from this. I don't know about your rights but I'm sure he can't just leave you!!!! Is the mortgage/debts in joint names????

He is being totally unfair!! You decide to get YOUR life back on track and he doesn't like it. Well that's tough for him.

Do you still love him and want him to stay?? Or is it more the practicalities that you are worrying about?

DEFINITELY go see a lawyer. Don't wait until he's disappeared. Does he not want access to his son???????? I understand he's prbably worried about his mother, but to abandon you!!... it's a bit extreme.

I'm sure you will get better advice from those that have experience. Good luck!


breeze · 29/04/2003 10:28

Agree with Mum2toby, Do you still love him?

Maybe he does feel threatened by the new you.

Is he very insecure?

Good luck and hope it works out well for you.


whymummy · 29/04/2003 10:30

inapickle has he always wanted to go back to his country,have you refused to go,is he missing it?,because his behaviour towards you could be just i cry for help,wanting you to say ok lets go and live in your country if it makes you happy,im telling you from experience as im dying to go back to my country as i mis my family and friends terribly but my husband wont go and i really resent him for that,i cant help it being horrible to him and he doesnt deserve it,im not trying to make excuses for your h but that could be the real problem,if is not and he really wants to leave you get to your nearest citizens advice beaureau as soon as you can,good luck


Bugsy · 29/04/2003 11:00

inapickle, very sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should go and see a solicitor asap to find out about the financial side of things.
How are you feeling? You sound very practical about all of it. Do you still love him?


slug · 29/04/2003 13:17

Whymummy has a point. During times of stress it's natural to want to go home to a place where it's comfortable. Those of us who are expats suffer from this on a regular basis. My mum rang yesterday to tell me that my sister is now in the terminal stages of cancer, in a hospice, on medication, just waiting to die. My first reaction was to just pack up and go home (to NZ). It just not feasibly either financially or practically, but that's my gut reaction.

Your dh's mum has cancer, it's a natural reaction to want to be with her. I suspect that while there are other issues about control, the nastiness could be stemming from fear and depression on his part. Though knowing most men, he probably won't admit to it.

I can't offer any better suggestions than those that have already been posted, but try and keep your cool.


griffy · 29/04/2003 13:27

inapickle - I agree with mum2Toby here. Good for you for picking yourself up.

Did you mean that he wants to go to another country or to THE country (ie outside a town).

Sorry to seem pedantic, but I read your post thinking that he wanted to move away from a town (something I'd sympathise with!), not to a different country?


inapickle · 29/04/2003 13:39

Thanks for your replies. DH is wanting to move to South Africa.

Some of you have asked about him missing home and his mum - of course I understand his entirely normal reaction to wanting to look after his mum when she needs him, however, I also think that he has a responsibility to his son. Our 2 year old needs his dad and it is entirely out of the question for us to all move in with his mum - from a purely financial position. We can't afford to give up our jobs.... hence my financial worries if just ups and offs!

I am not really sure how I feel about him - the constant criticising, nastiness and general bad feeling between that has been going on for nearly a year has really taken it's toll. I think I need to distance myself from the situation to think clearly.

Will keep you posted

OP posts:

inapickle · 23/05/2003 20:27

Hi All

Just a quick update on our situation. Well I have started going to counselling to try and sort myself out. It's early days yet so I am not holding my breath, added to that DH is reluctant to go with me.

He as been a bit more pleasant lately by that I mean that we have at least 2 good days out of 7. He did concede that going to SA and leaving me with the financial burden of paying mortgage, bills and childcare for DS was unfair and a few days after that admitted that he was winding me up - looking for a reaction.

The problem is now that I am not sure what I want. I would really like DH to give me some space and have considered asking him to stay at a friends for a couple of weeks while we try to work out what we want. The problem is that he thinks that everything is fine and probably not take me seriously.

DH is particularly controlling when it comes to me going out - last week I was an hour late from work and he just totally lost it when I got home. Last night I stopped in the bar after work and got a real bollo**ing when I got home - I was home by 8.30 so not as if it should be a big deal. We won't talk about the fact that he was out on Wed night till after 12 and the same tonight.

If any of you have gone through a similar situation I would be very happy to hear about it. Any advice wouldn't go amiss either.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

kaz33 · 24/05/2003 15:07

Gosh, he does sound like a insecure bully, one minute he is threatening to disapear to SA leaving you with all the responsbilities and the next ranting and raving because you are an hour late from work.

I think the question is what do you want ? This is not a relationship where two people are sharing equally and trusting each other.

He is acting totally unreasonably and no doubt this is all coming from his own insecurities. Was he controlling and jealous when you first got together ? If so was it then something that you were prepared to put up with or indeed didn't see as a problem - maybe it made you feel secure?

11 years is a long time to be with someone and during that time people change - it may be that you have changed and he has not. A more confident you might not be something that he can handle. I certainly find that being a mum has made me more confident and assured in my dealings with the world.

Or, if his behaviour has totally changed in the last couple of years then there may be some issues that he needs to deal with - his confidence may have been knocked, maybe he feels shut out by your relationship with your son. In which case counselling might help you deal with these issues as a couple.

Good luck.

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