Mumsnetters` do you think my dh is a selfish B * or is it me who has the problem ?

[shamefulx]

Ok we`ve been married 17 years and have 3 dc 16 13 and 6.

Hes a good dad. He holds down a good job . He makes the sandwiches every night and knows how to use washing machine. he tidies up quite well tbh. Hes very supportive of my career and has been about as hands on as i could ever wish.

He often does the shopping.

He doesn`t mind me going out and i have a lovely group of friends.

Cons.
We actually never went out together for 15 years - ok i could have arranged it .

He`s never paid a bill in his life.

We`ve had massive debts in the past after 2 redundancies - i had to sort them all out.

We lost our home - i had to sort all that out.

I sort out the holidays, family days out, car servicing, house repairs, school stuff for 3 kids,doctors dentist appt ect.

We have sex about 3 times a year.

It was our wedding anniversary last week and he never even bought me a card.

I`ve asked him over a thousand times to leave so we can have a trial separation and he refuses.
I ask him most days to please let us be so i can bring our lovely dc up in a house that is happy and not a house which is fake.It goes against everything i believe in- i dont want them thinking our relationship is normal-but its too late for that.Our relationship from my point of view is a house share.

I do have enormous feelings for him because we have been together for 20 years, but i also think its now 10 years since i first asked him to leave and he says i wont cope but i would have liked the chance to try .

I feel i have my dc down by letting them think its ok to accept a relationship with no affection.

Should i leave ?
I would be homeless because i havent the money to rent somewhere and he would never pay the mortgage and then we would lose the house . I cant go to my parents - they are complete snobs and wouldnt want their friends knowing my marriage had failed .

I worry that he would kill himself if i left because he`s implied that.

He thinks it ok to slap and push me - but hes never left a mark and sometimes i do think ive asked for it.

All i ever wanted was a break - and all of a sudden i think hey ive been asking for 10 years now . Ive begged him so many times -he then cries and promises to be nicer and it doesn`t even last a day.

I dont want to hurt him but what can i do to get him to leave.
Hes 43 and i am coming to terms with the fact that i would have to leave with the dc and lose my home because he will never go will he ? Hed never sort anything out .
Or should i count my blessings in order to keep a roof over our heads and accept that i`m lucky to have a husband in employment who allows me to come and go as i please .

If it wasnt for him i would never have established my career and brought up 3 lovely dc .
Only recently im beginning to feel like ive missed out on what matters - love in a relationship.
Ive recently realised that im beautiful too - you might laugh, but can you imagine being mostly ignored by ur partner for over 10 years.Suddenly i realise that at 37 i am a size 10 with a 34 f bust and i can sit on my hair - it seems such a shame that i never noticed and noone else ever enjoyed it either- . I wondered why he didnt fancy me all these years bhut actually i am beginning to think its his loss . Ive changed my name so here goes .

Wow, that's quite a post. Lots there to unravel.

Have you ever loved him? Did you feel the marriage was a mistake from the start? Or has your life slowly turned into something you don't want it to be?

Being absolutely honest, the only thing that really stands out in your post as being completely unacceptable is that he sometimes pushes and slaps you. The history of debt is frightening, and it sounds like he doesn't have a grip on money management, but on the other hand you do list a lot of positives. He's a good dad. He supports your career. He does a reasonable share of household chores. There are a few other issues where it isn't clear how the problem started or whose responsibility it is.... if you've had sex only 3 times in the last year, then it's your responsibility as much as his to address this. Ditto for the going out.

TBH you sound as though you're stuck in a terrible rut, but only you know whether counselling might help of if you've gone beyond that.

Lastly, while you might decide the marriage is over,you have no right to just expect him to move out, leaving you happily living in the home with the kids!! Why should he? If you're that unhappy, then you should leave. He won't go anyway - you say you mention it every day, but it never leads to any action. I think you need to accept that after 20 years together, it's not going to be easy to separate. There will be hassle, upset, hurt, not to mention the fact that you'll have to downsize, probably sell up and both end up living is smaller homes with less money. But there's no way round that. It costs more to run two households than one. Fact. Only you know deep down whether this is the right thing to do.

Ok I was feeling non-judgemental and about to suggest relate etc.

Then you say he hits you and you've asked for it.

See a solicitor. Then divorce him.

Please don't waste another 10 weeks living like this, never mind 10 years.

It is never too late but you have to take the first step.

Poor you. You have to ask yourself if this is it for ever or you need to make a change now. You are still very young and can have a whole new and happy life apart from him.

Oh Shamefulx, I don't know what you can do to get him to leave - no doubt someone will post here soon w some practical suggestions, but wanted to offer support and my views:

1. Violence is not OK. It is always unacceptable and you have not done anything to deserve it.

1. He should leave. How he sorts out his domestic affairs is his issue.

1. He is responsible for his own hurt (arguably staying together when unhappy hurts you both, anyway) - your concern is yourself and your DCs. You all deserve a happy home.

1. Of course you can cope without him (sounds like you have already coped with worse than him leaving!), he just doesn't want to leave.

1. Am v sorry to hear he has ignored and overlooked you. It is his loss. If I have your measurements after children and when I am 37 I will cry tears of joy! I hope you can do something nice to pamper yourself - you shouldn't overlook yourself. Its terrible that he has for so long.

1. Please do not assume your career and lovely DC are all due to him. He does sound v helpful, but he has not actually gone and done your job for you or been the sole parent.

1. Love is what matters, and I think its better and less lonely to be alone and happy than with someone who you don't love. Your DCs won't thank you for staying with him for their sake, if that's what is happening. I don't feel grateful that my parents didn't separate earlier. That he slaps you, of course, means that you definitely shouldn't be with him. But even if he didn't, you don't love him and that's important enough to separate, I feel.

Sending you lots of support and encouragement!!

37 is nothing at all. You have a long time ahead of you. It would be awful to sit back and just not question all this. Whatever the outcome, whether you turn things around with your DH and manage to stay together, or whether you decide to leave him, you need to be decisive. Leaving things as they are is the worst option.

I'm echoing what others are saying. Some of the problems you could say, have a chance of being fixed with a lot of hard work on both sides.

However, he pushes you around. Not on.

As a side issue, when people we love don't show their affection in the simple things, like sending you an anniversary card (which would take 5 minutes and a couple of quid, yet mean so much), it drags you down and feels heartbreaking on top of everything else.

37 is young and you have your whole life in front of you. Imagine in ten years being in the same situation and feeling the same......except you'd have used up another ten years of potential happiness

You only live once.

he doesn't leave a mark? he does,he so does!!

In my experience, women who are just coming to terms with the fact that they may be in an abusive relationship, especially those who have been married for a long time, frequently minimise their partner's negative points and maximise their strengths. Personally, I bet if you were a fly on the wall in shamefulx's house, you would be seeing way more cons and far fewer pros than she's given in her post. Violent behaviour is at the extreme end of the domestic abuse spectrum and it is nearly always accompanied by considerable emotional abuse and manipulation long before the first punch.

Leave and good luck. Try reading Lundy Bancroft's book shamefulx. Thinking of you.

If he is physically violent he can be removed from the house by the police and forbidden to return. Slapping and pushing is physical violence.
ANd justabout is right, he has groomed you to think that it's OK for him to hit you and bully you. It's NOT.