Weekly commuter relationships ... can they work?

[wishingchair]

Me, DH and our two DCs live in the South of England. All our family and proper old friends are in the North. We talked the other day about how we could move back and get the kind of house we'd really like plus have the bonus of being close to family and friends ... support network for us and also DCs would get to grow up having regular contact with grandparents rather than every few months for a week at a time.

But DH would still need to work in the South. He loves his job and he's good at it. He said he could work down here Mon-Fri and be back for weekends.

My instant reaction was "no". The children miss him if he's away for a night or so ... and I don't like the thought of him not being a regular fixture in our home. He had a serious (life/death) health scare a couple of years ago and the risks of it returning haven't gone so I'd also hate the thought of those nights we weren't together just for sake of nice house and support network. But then ... how important would that support network be if things turned bad again.

This is going round and round in my head. My gut reaction is to stay here - we are a family and this is where we have settled. But then again ...

Please help!

Hi wishingchair, we are in quite a similar situation at the moment, and currently DH does work away Mon-Fri most weeks. It has its pros and cons but I think it's a very hard way to live long term, and you run the risk of your DH developing a separate Southern life for himself while you manage with the dc's on your own. I've done this for almost 3 years and it's starting to become a bit wearing now.

That said, I do think it's worth it if it gets you back to where you want to be, but if there's any way you could set a time limit on him commuting, then I'd do it. I find up to 3 nights a week quite nice tbh, I like the time to myself, to read, chat to friends on the phone and MN but it's the constant search for a babysitter so I can get out, and the relentlessness of dealing with the dc's on a bad day, or if I'm feeling under the weather. It can also sometimes get a bit lonely.

Is there a Northern equivalent of the job he does? We're thinking of moving north also, but DH's job is very much London based at the moment, and I don't think he would find an equivalent where we want to live, unfortunately..

This is pretty much what I live with, my husband is almost always away with work between Sun evening & Fri evening. Occasionally, he is away for weeks at a time if he's in India or Australia. We have two DDs, 4 & 2.

There's good & bad to it (as with everything). It can be hard to catch up on the phone due to time zones (that wouldn't be a problem for you!) but it can be difficult to communicate exactly what is going on or to get over the degree of excitement that your 4 year old feels about her new swimming badge if he's dashed out of a meeting to say goodnight by phone.

I notice the difference in his relationship with the DDs when he's frequently away for weeks at a time. They get used to it quite quickly providing you are confident & support 'Daddy' in front of them. However, the children become less close to him over time & this does need to be rebuilt each weekend.

On the other hand, it is more straight forward. I am no longer wondering what time he will come home tonight. I can book a babysitter for X hours without him turning up 20 mins later... We have our own little routine & when we're on our own, it works!

We have this compromise mostly for the money.

Just a thought, our family is 400 & 1200 miles away respectively so we have the same situation in that respect. Geographical closeness may give a greater support network but it may not! Best to check out what family would want to do in reality before sighing too much over the green grass on the other side of the fence, IYSWIM?

I have definitely come down on the side of 'if you need help, source it & pay for it', that way, you get the help you need, not what other people think you should have. ALL helpfully intended aid from our families has been less than great in practice!

Good luck with your decision

That what worries me ... midweek he has single life in the south, I am single parent in the north (albeit with plenty of willing babysitters!). We did it for a while years ago before we got married and I almost started to resent the chaos he would bring at the weekend. Wasn't good. Agree 3 nights would be ok ... come back Thursday night, work from home Friday maybe. He needs to be close to London and not easily transferrable. Plus he just loves it and I love that about him.

Just looked at train times ... 2hr 20min direct train. Not too bad maybe?

I don't know. We're thinking about moving but house would cost double here than back home. But then DD1 is at school and it would mean moving her. DD2 not there yet. Gah!

frogthistle - you are so right about the grass in greener syndrome! I know I am suffering from this. There have been times when we've come back and positively relish the fact we're miles away from them. Then I also think that growing up here is very nice and close to London so has feel of 'anything is possible', rather than small town attitudes ('who does she think she is' etc). Then think being ridiculous and snobby and I grew up there and enjoyed it and turned out OK

Oh tell me about it!

For every carefully worded post here, there are (let's say) three stress-filled days while I muck about with sick children & hold down a fulltime job & get up every two hours to clean the vomit & do it all again the next day. During these days I dream of close family etc but I know in reality they're just not that into small kids. I have the evidence!

I'm on the outskirts of London too, my justification reasoning is that the transport links are great from here. Easy to get anywhere & I like being able to hide in the metropolis.

Hard decision though.

I've been in this situation for 2 and a half years. There are as others have said ups and downs. I am not near family but have supportive friends, a good job, children very happy in school, lots of willing babysitters, nice house in a place we like living! I wouldn't ever say it was an ideal way to live but we do make it work. DH really loves his job too so that makes it easier. Having said that 3 nights away as you suggest would feel a lot easier.

Main down side is when you need someone to have the kids for say half an hour for school meeting, appointment etc...and I have found that what goes by the way side is time for me - if I need a babysitter I'll get one for a work thing but not for me to go to the gym/swimmimg/pursue any other hobby...

Good luck with you decision.