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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it me....?

17 replies

belliboo · 26/05/2009 12:54

I've never posted before so sorry if i ramble on a bit
My husband and i have be togehther for 12 years and have five young children who i adore.I'm a full time mum and he works.
The problem is that he sees evrything as his ie. his house, his furniture, his food, etc. because he is the one that earns the money.
This is becoming more and more of a problem as i feel uncomfortable in my own home i find i have to ask to use things like the computer.
It's making me very unhappy as i work very hard looking after the kids and keeping "his" house imaculate.
I've told him many times how it makes me feel and he just says if i don't like it i know where the door is!
I'm i being silly and is this how it should be?
Any advice would be great
Thanks

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 26/05/2009 13:00

There is another thread similiar to this one running. I'm lone parent to 5 DC and after Reading your post, I'm glad to be!!!

Go out to work maybe?
Personally I'd never go back to living like you, have been there before with the ex. I got out and moved on and never felt happier. I wasn't allowed to rearrange furniture with the ex, I do it monthly now, just cos I can!!

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:02

No you are not being silly. You are also working full time looking after 5 small children and keeping the house imaulate. You shouldn't be made to feel like it is all 'his' if you are married.

Springfleurs · 26/05/2009 13:03

NO it is not YOU! You know that really don't you?

This is emotional abuse you know? You may want to look at the Emotional Abuse thread and also look at the Womens Aid website here.

It sounds like he has conditioned you over the years to accept these behaviours. "Asking" to use the computer? What year is this?

Do you love him? Would you be receptive to seeking outside help, such as contacting Womens Aid so that next time he says "you know where the door is" you can say "yes I do" and get the f*ck out of there? God this post has made me angry. My ex tried to implement this sort of thing but not to this extent. There is a name for this sort of thing in a book written by Pat Craven, called Living with the Dominator, it is called being "The King of the Castle" here. When you read it I think you would strongly recognise your dh and how he is abusing you.

Do you have any money of your own? Probably doubtful given your situation. What do you feel you would like to do? Do you want to change the relationship or get out of there? It is difficult to know what advice to give without a bit more information.

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:05

If you are married you should have a partnership, an understanding, that although your H is earning all the money you are doing a valuable job too by looking after his five hildren giving him the oportunity to go out to work.

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:06

Is your relationship fine apart form this?

unavailable · 26/05/2009 13:07

"I've told him many times how it makes me feel and he just says if i don't like it i know where the door is!"

He has got a serious attitude problem.

You must work very hard bringing up 5 young children, and he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home - That is very sad and shocking in this day and age.

Do family and friends know he takes this attitude?
How are other parts of your relationship? Does he handle all the finances/ family decisions etc?

Sorry - so many questions.

Alambil · 26/05/2009 13:08

"I've told him many times how it makes me feel and he just says if i don't like it i know where the door is!"

so go on holiday for a week - leave ALL the kids with him.

He'll soon realise just how much you do for him and "his" house.

Springfleurs · 26/05/2009 13:11

I wonder how a relationship can be fine in other ways when a grown woman has to "ask" to use the computer. I am sure that is not the only thing she has to "ask" for. Unbelievable!

Original poster

belliboo · 26/05/2009 13:13

I would like to work but dh is dead against it and i couldn't afford the childcare cost anyway!
I don't have any money of my own or any fanily so i feel a bit trapped.
There are times when i just want him out of my life but i also love him dearly and he's a good dad.
I keep hoping things will change or I win the lottery and i will buy the bloody house off him!!!
the main reason for the post is that last night i was on mumsnet and he came in and said "off" and that i should be grateful for being allowed to use it.
I felt terrible all night and couldn't sleep. This morning he asked me why i was being moody and when i mentioned last night he said i was being silly. The reason being is that it is all his because he bought them, which i know is true.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:18

It's not up to him whether or not you work you know, it's up to you.

I am deeply shocked actually, at his behavuour towards you.

Springfleurs · 26/05/2009 13:19

Is he a good Dad when he treats his children's mother like this?

Things won't change until you make a big decision, as hard as it is. I put up with this sort of crap for 8 long years, being told that we couldn't afford for me to join a gym, but he could as he was bringing in the money, being told I did not deserve as much food as him as he was bringing in the money etc, you situation sounds much, much worse than that though.

What would he do if you said "f*ck off", without even looking at him next time he says "off" to you.

reducedfatkettlechip · 26/05/2009 13:22

I think you're being emotionally abused and he's using financial control to bully you. He isn't treating you with any respect by the sounds of things.

Can you go and see a counsellor, or talk to someone? It sounds like you need a plan, and a way to help you rebuild your self esteem so you can tell him to sling his hook..

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:22

Also, if it's his house, then why don't you just stop cleaning it and tidying it. Then when he complains shrug your shoulders and say it's his house so his problem, but you'll happily take the job of cleaner/housekeeper if he pays enough.

What a mean horribl wanker. He can't be a very good dad if he has no respect for his children's mother and the job she is doing lookig after them

Overmydeadbody · 26/05/2009 13:26

Why do you let him get away with talking to you like this though? If he says "off" to you when you're on the computer, do you just get off the computer?

I'm not blaming you for his behaviour obviously, but perhaps if you just stood up to him he would stop?

leonifay · 26/05/2009 13:33

if my dh ever dared to do any thing like that i'd show him the door, regardless of who bought the house.
if you want to work, you should, its your decision not his and i agree with overmydeadbody, if he feels that strongly about it being his house, his computer etc, you should stop cleaning, cooking and washing (sorry i'm assuming you have the 'traditional woman roles' in the house, from his attitude)
you definatly stand up to him.

saintmaybe · 26/05/2009 13:47

The ONLY reason he CAN go out to work is because you provide him with FREE CHILDCARE.

How much do you think he'd have to pay someone to look after HIS children and all the other things you do?

You are a partnership of equals

tribpot · 26/05/2009 13:53

"off" - is that how he normally talks to you? Like a dog? Yes, and what would happen if, as the others said, you just said "I haven't finished yet" and carried on?

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