How do you deal with not being the first person your DH has had children with?

[slightlyonedgemum]

I've cross posted for optimum results!

That's pretty much it. My DH's first wife died when my DSS was 3 (he's now 7). When we got married I felt a bit 'second wifey) but that has mainly disappeared now and only rarely comes back to me (often when I'm tired and feeling low). I think what helped was him saying that he felt differently about me and we had a deeper and more equal love (cheesy yes).

We want more children but I'm already worried about feeling like a 'second' again. He's already done all of the excitement, stress, tiredness etc of having a baby, I haven't. I also know my MIL will constantly say 'when DSS was a baby, his mother did this when he wouldn't do X'. If you see what I mean.

I want children with my DH, my DSS desperately wants a baby brother or sister but, I don't want to spend the whole time feeling like he's done it before.

I think part of the issue is feeling like nothing we do will be a first for my DH. I know it's my issue and I know I have to deal with it, but so far the only way is ignoring it which I don't think is particularly healthy!

Any advice/experience please?

Every time you think a negative thought, try to turn it around and replace it with a positive one. Eventually, you'll do it naturally.

There are definitely positives to this situation. For example, when you feel it's all getting a bit too much with a newborn, as it inevitably will, you can pass baby over to Dad saying "Here, you're more experienced than me, you handle it..." Having a partner whose already been there and done it should be reassuring, rather than taking the edge off things.

Think of it this way, have you ever met a decent person with more than one child who has said that they love second child less because it wasn't as new and exciting as the first? It just doesn't happen. All children are different and I'm sure your DH won't love your new child any less, or be any less excited by the experience, simply because he already has a DS. This child is different because it's a child of the both of you and a new, unique life in his/her own right.

Also on the plus side, having already had a pregnant wife once, he is probably more ready to understand how you feel when you feel ill/hormonal.

Comparing one marriage to another is a counterproductive thing to do. Because each person is different, it is not comparing like with like. I appreciate that it can often feel harder for a second wife whose predecessor has died because of the tendency to canonise the dead and because the marriage may have been very happy right up until her death. However, this is completely irrelevant. I had many discussions with my own father about this (who tried dating after my mother's death and encountered your reaction with several women. He couldn't understand it as he wasn't looking for a replacement and just didn't compare the two). Unless you feel your DH is still in love with his dead wife (nothing in your post suggests that), you really do not have anything to worry about. He may have loved his first wife dearly, but she is dead, he's moved on, and now he loves and is married to you. His life is in the present, with you, as it should be. He sounds like a nice guy and I'm sure he won't mind telling you this as many times as it takes to reassure you.

HTH

Thank you.

In some ways it will be reassuring but at the same time I think I'll feel less of an equal, due to my lack of experience, which is what our relationship has always been.

I don't think my DH will love our child any less (and I hope/pray I won't love DSS any less) for having another. I know they will be different, have different personalities and worries.

I also know he'll be very good about me being pregnant (although I know his first wife very much enjoyed it). There's a good chance I'll be on bed rest for part of it (dodgy back) and that worries me too. But then he's looked after a wife who has died from breast cancer so I know (once again) that he'll be amazing with that.

I didn't feel like a replacement when I got together with my DH, it only happened once we got engaged. But, once again, that's probably because I knew people kept saying how nice it was he'd found another wife and a mother for his son, plus, all the stories from my MIL and his former MIL.

One of my main concerns is that although I'm far too lazy to be competitive, with this I'll feel like I should be as I'll be permanently compared. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I also know there will be people who do it. My DH won't be one of them though as he's a 'line under it and move on' kind of guy. I very much know this is my problem!

I think you're worrying too much about what other people will think. You say you think you'll permenantly be compared, but you won't. People just don't do that.

Think of it this way, do you compare your DH to previous boyfriends? I bet you don't even think about it like that.

You're right in that this will be pretty much exclusively in your own head. I think I would be inclined to be open with the likes of MIL and say how you feel nervous you won't be as good at it as his first wife was and that you'll be compared with her. At the very least that should make her realise you are sensitive to it and may make her bite her tongue.

Also very important to realise that you are thinking they will think of you in the negative. His first wife was a first time mother and will have been as crazy/neurotic/unreasonable as first time mothers generally are, whereas you have been a mother to DSS for a number of years. You're used to the carnage and chaos children can bring. For me, that was the hardest part to come to terms with! Yes so you will have a newborn but they're pretty straightforward and you have bonus of a DH who has experience and a DSS who will be old enough to hold the baby whilst you answer the door/go to loo/make a coffee.

Two more things occur to me that might help you to feel a little less insecure about this.

1. You're not exactly going to be approaching this from a novice, first-time mum perspective. While you've never gone through pregnancy, labour, and dealing with a newborn before, you have a lot more maternal experience than most first-time mothers because of your bringing up your DSS. Your DH has never gone through pregnancy and labour either, so as I see it you're still very much on equal terms.

1. There is something magical about growing old with someone you love and watching the life unfold of someone you created between you. As a single parent, the loss of this dream is something I've had to grieve and let go of. Because your DH lost with his first wife, this is his first time to experience this WITH YOU, as well as your first time with him, although to some degree you are already doing this together with DSS.

How well do you get on with MIL? Is there a chance that if you sat down with her and told her how you feel about this (in a friendly way, rather than an accusatory way), she might stop making comparisons and do her utmost to be more supportive? Don't forget you will be giving her another grandchild so it is in here interests to get on with you.

Will shut up now...

Basically what Overmydeadbody and wishingchair just said in half as many words!

I do tend to worry a lot about what people think, the problem is when I don't I tend to feel like I'm being a bit 'fingers up' which makes me feel bad!

You're right that I don't compare my DH to my ex boyfriends but then I didn't love any of them or live with them. Although not anywhere near being a virgin when we married, I wanted to save the more 'marriage' related behaviour for my DH.

My MIL is a whole other thread! She regularly has 'chats' with my DH about various things but after a week of good behaviour she interferes again. She had (from what I can gather) a bad relationship with DH's first wife due to it too. I tend not to be direct with her as she can barely cope with it from her own son. I do often wonder if I should try it but don't know if I'd be calm enough!

It's odd but I don't feel like DH's first wife was a particularly good Mum, mainly as she got ill pretty soon after my son was born so I don't think she had the chance. On the other hand, my DH is an amazing Dad and that's part of what attracted me to him!

I still don't feel like I'm a particularly good Mum to DSS (although I've only had 9 months of being 'official') but the days of him saying to DH 'Mummy in heaven wouldn't have told me off' and DH explaining he wasn't old enough for that seem to have passed. It still comes back to me when I tell him off though but I also think no Mum ever feels they're doing it wonderfully. He's a lovely child and although he has issues, I know he'll turn out alright and that I'm lucky!

OptimistS - I see what you mean about pregnancy and labour, but I still feel like he has more first hand experience-I do know it can be to my advantage practically speaking though.

I do also feel that I will get to see our son grow up and have those issues but I guess I'm impatient. It often feels like once we've been together for more than 10 years then I'll be on a 'first' but I hate feeling like that. As I said to DH last night, if it wasn't for breast cancer, we wouldn't be married. It's a horrible thought and one that I can't always get rid of.