Unhappy, need advice!

[sophmum31]

Sorry if this is a bit long....I am in a bit of a pickle!

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have a little girl of 3. We are going through some really tough times mainly due to arguements about money.

I left a well paid job to look after our DD which was agreed by both of us. Since then my partner has done nothing but punish me for the fact I dont work.

He pays the bills etc but i have responsibility for stocking the cupboards with food etc, we dont have a joint bank account he gives me £100 a month and I am expected to feed the three of us, run my car etc, any activites we do, clothes for DD. We had a massive arguement last night as he says I always moan about money (no sh*t!), he earns loads of money and there is definelty some spare yet, he has 3 cars and buys anything he wants yet I have to ask for everything. We even went out for the day yesterday and our DD was hungry and he wouldnt even buy her a donut...I had to pay for it!

Jesus, I am educated and intellegent how have i ended up letting myself be treated like this?!

The aside problem is that my name isnt on the deeds or anything to the house we live in - there has always been an excuse why we cant do that and we arent married. I can go and stay with my parents but will end up a 31 years old single mother living with my mom and dad while he lives the life of riley in our 4 bedroom house. I paid half the bills (mortgage included) for 3 years until i left work and obviously gave up a carreer to look after dd. Any idea if i would be entitled to anything from him (As you can imagine it is like getting blood out of a stone)? Also any general advice? How did i get myself in this mess and how do i get out of it!?!

Go back to work.

I'd be outta there.........respect, love, where is all that?

Well if you love him and he loves you and you want to make it work I'd suggest you go out and get a job and both of you go halves on the childcare costs.

I would leave him, posted on another similar thread. It is not possible to manage the expenses you describe on the money he gives you. Does he have a well paid job, where does the rest of the money go.

Even if I went back to work I would still leave him. A man who will not buy his child a bloody doughnut when she is hungry negates the right to be living with his family imo.

You didn't get yourself into this mess by the way, you gave up work in good faith and he is treating you very badly.

Can't help you on the legals - perhaps you should post in the legal section as well

But in that situation with a DP like that - and if I wanted to stay with him, I would also go back to work and make him pay half for the childcare.

I have to say that I probably wouldn't be there at all if I was treated like that.

Hope you get some good advice. If you are thinking of leaving him, perhaps a trip to the CAB may help?

"whats yours is mine darling, and if you don't like it - off we fuck. this relationship needs a restructure from now. so lets work out all the bills and whatever disposible income we have gets halved. you transfer that amount into my bank account, today"

£100 a month?!!! That wouldn't even cover a week in our house for the things you describe. I'd really struggle to buy food on that amount, it'd be Aldi beans on toast 3 times a day. Filling the car up alone costs me £45..

I'm no legal expert but I think you do have rights to the house as you've contributed to the mortgage etc in the past.

The issue is the inequality and the bullying - it isn't fair for him to have the things he wants when he isn't supporting you properly. Now your daughter's 3, can she go to preschool 15 hours a week, and you fund childcare for the other hours?

Rather than moaning (and I totally understand why you do!!) could you maybe get him to sit down and look at your expenses in black and white. Show him your receipts and explain why £100 isn't enough and agree something more reasonable - my monthly credit card spend is anywhere between £800 and £1500 depending on whether I've bought clothes or things for the house. I don't think I could manage well on less than £600 minimum.

If you love him and you feel that there is a relationship worth saving I would try and talk to him,i work part time and my DH pays all the bills apart from my mobile bill,he has no right to treat you like this ,i know you don't want to go back to your parents but i'm sure they'd want a sane daughter and a happy grand child,and only go back to work if you want to being a SAHM is not a bad thing.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.

He knows £100 isn't enough, this is about control. I would never show receipts, how bloody humiliating is that? My ex MIL used to have to show FIL her receipts whenever she went shopping, a little idea my ex tried to implement in our marriage.

She is a grown woman, in an equal partnership, the dynamics of which were agreed by both of them when she gave up work. She should be able to say "£100 is not enough, now give me more for us to manage on, or shall we now negotiate me going back to work?" without showing receipts to prove to him what he already knows and humiliate herself in the process.

I can understand why you don't want to end up with your parents. I am 30 and in that position. I know I and loved and respected but there is a reason why you move out.

I used a trick which may or maynot help you. Ds needed new clothes and like you it had to come out of 'my' money. Ds needed the new clothes on a certain day and I couldn't go (can't remember why) but sent ex with ds to 1. get everything on list

1. To stick within the budget (ie money I supplied)
2. To survive trip out with ds

I got less complaints about the money I spent on the clothes, I got a contribution towards the costs of getting new clothes and the odd item of clothes appeared in the wardrobe. Never got admission of guilt but the rest was progress enough.

Domestic violence agencies recognise financial abuse as a form of domestic violence, designed to humiliate and control the partner. This is what is happening here.
He has decided that he is your owner, you exist to raise his DD and service him domestically, and because he is the one with an earned income, you should be grateful and obedient.
THis is quite calculating behaviour on his part, particularly the always having had a reason not to marry you or put your name on the deeds of the house.
WHat you should do now is get as much evidence as possible of actual payments you made towards the mortgage, and see a solicitor.

Why has he got three cars anyway?. He is also making you all survive on £100 per month!!. Two words apply here - financial abuse. He sounds both completely selfish and untrustworthy as a partner. I also don't think he has any intention whatsoever of marrying you but has taken you for a ride and you've been suckered in by him.

Unfortunately as well you have allowed yourself to be treated like this.
Time to reassert yourself now.

I would also be seeing a solicitor in these circumstances. I think though that you will be leaving this relationship in financial terms at least with very little. Your name is not on the mortgage and your whole financial position here is tenuous at best. You will certainly need to provide evidence of what you've paid for in terms of the mortgage (why did you pay for that when you're not part of it?). If you split he would have to pay maintenance for his child but he is not at all financially responsible for you.