Unromantic and level headed advice appreciated in lead up to birth of DD please

[hobbgoblin]

To what extent do I ask for assistance from exdp in terms of preparation for birth of our DD?

He was supposed to be buying car seat (his only financial contribution) and we have yet to sort out maintenance (had agreed on car in lieu of maintenance) plus I have some heavy lifting in house needs doing before she is born.

Exdp would have done all this but every time he does this stuff it is used as a way back in to the 'relationship' we are not having. That is, the relationship I want to work and the relationship he wants to use to get his needs met in various ways.

It would be easy to say do it all myself save for the fact that I will then struggle with all the above.

Why should he be let off the hook just because he can't help using me? There again, needs must...

As you can see, I am not clear headed about this.

Is there a third party you could get involved? A sister or friend who can say - now you will be helping with x won't you?

I think you need to stop thinking about him as someone who should be doing those jobs you need doing - that's a partner's role. He is not your partner. He has no role with you, only with his child-to-be.

Think as a single parent. They're YOUR jobs. Sort them out yourself. He owes you nothing. Once dc is born of coursehe will have to pay his way financially, but for his dc not for you. he'll also of course need a relationship with his child, but not you.

Yup (having read your other thread) get a support network in place ie support fromfriends/family etc,ASAP and don't rely on this man for anything. TBH I would get some legal advice or at least look it up online about making sure he pays maintenance and getting an agreement in place. For now, don't have any contact with him. Because if you ask him for help he will throw you the odd crumb of flattery/kindness to shut you up but not do anything, and he clearly can't be relied on.

titchy, I took this attitude yesterday and did loads of heavy lifting due to having nobody else to help. I have bought every single item for the baby except car seat.

I am now low on funds and having serious Braxton Hicks. I get what you are saying but this is for his baby!

I have been a single parent to 3 DC for much of the last 9 years so I'm not incapable of the role but being pg makes it rather more difficult than usual.

a car in lieu of maintenance?

must be some car!!

I just think you have to imagine how you'd manage if he didn't exist (OK if he actually didn't you wouldn't be pregnant but YKWIM). It may his baby but they're YOUR jobs.

Once baby is born his role won't be to help you even if you need him to do something to help you help baby - for example he shouldn't expect you to help decorate a nursery at his house and you shouldn't expect any help from him to do with your house.

And get some proper cash maintenance not a car!

Yes, 'car in lieu of maintenance' might sound generous, but it's not that big a deal - and it certainly isn't 18 years worth of maintenance unless it's a vintage Bugatti that you are going to Ebay for three billion quid or something.

i'd have to agree with everything titchy has said.
sort out proper maintenance, but beyond that you can't really "expect" anything, other than to be civil and for you both to do what's best for the child once they arrive.
things like getting him to do heavy lifting for you or buy car seats would be great if they are done amicably and on a level playing field. but that doesn't seem to be the case. so to expect them just seems unrealistic and might end up in more head-aches than they are worth.
sort out proper maintenance and use that cash to contribute towards purchases.

I don't want to hear it is the problem.

By the way, the car is monthly payments on a car so equates to maintenance iyswim?