He won't speak to me (can't say I blame him)

[notbeenaround]

in need of advice and I know it may be trivial but dh and I split up for around 4-5mths (no one else involved) at that time I started smoking again (had given up when I fell pregnant. Anyway after we had got back together he was constantly on my back to give it up and I think it was because he felt it was partially his fault that I had started smoking again.

I know most of you will think disgusting habit bad for your health but I'm really not a heavy smoker and I don't smoke round my child. Basically around 2 mths ago he really went mad at me for still smoking so I quit and it was purely because of the pressure from him, in some respects I felt I was being dictated, nhs smoking person told me I needed to do it for me but I really wasn't ready.

Around 2 wks ago I started smoking again and I really didn't like keeping it from dh and so I told him last night, he went absolutely mad and now won't speak to me, I know he has every right to feel angry at me, however he did manage to turn it round so that it was all about him ie how he looked a prick and how everybody else must know and how he looks stupid (not the case I should add). I don't know what to do now, yes I want to give up but I want to do it for me, any advice welcome

You're right that giving up isn't going to work if you're feeling resentful at him for wanting you to stop. Especially if you started again as a kind of revenge when you split up. Are you still cross with him about the split? You sound cross TBH. Have you really worked through all your problems together? It sounds like you feel a bit resentful at being bossed around and the smoking is about being in control.

Try reading Allen Carr, it worked a treat for me. He manages to give the control back to you.

Oh he must be perfect then?

Making you feel shit for smoking actually has the effect of making you smoke more and feel more stressed, does he know this? Or if he just full of self righteous macho bullcrap?

OK smoking is bad for you, we all know that but you are an adult, you make your own choices and the least he could do is to try and support you. I mean obviously you will be disappointed in yourself for starting again, but you don't need someone rubbing your face in it.

Yes, I get that he is worried for your health but he is not your life coach or your boss and he has no right to tell you how much of an idiot you are supposed to be making him look in front of others. Grrr. Does he have some sort of wife controlling rep to keep up in front of his mates or something. He is acting like you have defied him and that is not right.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound blunt, it is aimed at your other half, I'm just mad that someone can be so hard on you instead of supporting you and trying to understand how hard it is to stop smoking. Christ if I had £1 for every time I have tried to stop I'd be loaded My DH supports me though. I smoked when we met and he knew I smoked, he'd rather I stopped (for health reasons) but he doesn't hassle me about it. Your DH needs to realise you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions.

sound advice thanks tbh I started smoking again when we split because I was so stressed and it helped me get through what was the start of a divorce. I have smoked for years and dh knew that when we met too and there was no problem, the problem I have is that I'm made to feel like crap for doing it. I suppose I am still cross with him for leaving and thats something I have to work through and the smoking is something I'm in control of.

He makes me feel like a teenager being caught with cigs and I really resent that, not the same I know but he really enjoys his wine but I don't go on at him for the amount he drinks!! I always make an effort not to smell of smoke etc (am I trying to justify myself here?) I told him last night I was not going to stress and worry about him not speaking to me but I suppose I am a little. Should I have kept my mouth shut and not told him?

Ask if he is prepared to give up totally and be teetotal?

It woule be interesting to see what his reaction was to this - caues I think he will play the alcohol down as unimportant and will not want to be tee total for ever

Give up smoking when you want to for you - then it works.

I agree with the other. Do it in your time.

Regarding him saying "he looked a prick" perhaps you should point out that he is now also acting like a prick.

My DH started secretly smoking after stopping for 3 years. When I found out I can tell you I have never been so angry in my entire life. I could have slapped him (didn't) and I am not a violent person.

I don't go on about it but I was beyond disappointed in him. It also made me question his abilities to be such a good liar.

It is very difficult to watch someone you love slowly and expensively give themselves cancer.

A year later DH has given up again.

Are you sure you did the right thing in taking him back? Did you want to take him back or did he pressure you to do so? Because he sounds like a self-righteous bully who thinks he's your owner and that you should be obedient, which is not really a healthy relationship.

"It is very difficult to watch someone you love slowly and expensively give themselves cancer."

Sorry I think that is a very unfair comment. Everyone is well aware of the risks of smoking but it's not right to say that someone is giving themselves cancer. Not everyone who smokes gets cancer and people who don't smoke get cancer too. I don't mean to be offensive, I just thought your comment was very sweeping.

It is those types of comments that make it harder for people to stop smoking and force them into lying about it.

I appreciate it is hard to give up smoking but smokers are more likely to die prematurely. That is a medical fact not emotional blackmail.

DH is old enough to work it our for himself so he has quit again.

Smokers to give up when they feel ready but it doesn't mean that people who love them are not going to worry about them while they make up their mind.

Actually - why do you smoke? I am curious to know all your reasons for wanting to smoke.

I am an ex-smoker and have the zeal of the converted and all that but I do know from experience that it is IMPOSSIBLE to give it up unless you really really want to. You LITERALLY can't do it for someone else - you won't stick it.

It is so hard to give up - you need to get into a special mental "zone" where your desire to give up is stronger than your desire to smoke. Try explaining this to him.

Ivykaty, have you ever smoked?

I smoke because mentally I think I enjoy, it relaxes me stops me from feeling stressed, I have smoked since I was 17 and I'm now 37. I did stop and was a non smoker for 3yrs.

It is very difficult to quit but I want to do it for myself and not because I'm pressured into it otherwise I will end up smoking in secret which is exactly what I have been doing and feeling terriby guilty for doing it!

I don't smoke now. I stopped 3 months ago I still crave cigrettes. Ivykatie44 it's an addiction. Google "addiction" and "smoking" if you don't understand.

Yes I have smoked,

So what is it about smoking that you think you mentaly enjoy?

The fags actually make your body stressed - they don't relax you, your heart rate rises considerably enough to burn calories.

FF sorry I dont know what google is?

To be fair, I've seen loads of threads on here where people have found out that their DP has lied to them about smoking ie 'It's not the fact that he's started again, it's the fact that he has lied', and generally these posters do get sympathy.

My mum is like you, she'd dearly love to give up but every time she quits, she starts again if anything stressful happens. It's v difficult for others as she goes through this big extravagant 'look everybody, I'm a non smoker, aren't you proud of me' and gets us all involved, then one day you see her with a fag in her hand again and you just don't know what to say.

I think you should be really honest with your DP. Tell him that in fact, you may never fully quit, and that if you do, you'll do it entirely in your own time.

As others have said, there's absolutely no point in promising to quit, all that does is create further pressure and potential for lying.

Don't make him any impossible promises.

It's been said that nicotine is more addictive than heroin or crack cocaine.
DH used to smoke, albeit not very heavily, but managed to quit 7 years ago using gum and willpower.
My parents smoke heavily and have tried laods of times to give up with no joy. They don't smoke around DS but when he's been to their house he comes home smelling of smoke because it's in their carpets & furniture.
Your DH bullying you won't help matters. You do need to want to do it for yourself first and foremost