I feel so miserable today

[amireallythatsad]

TO cut a long story short H and I separated this year. We had a rocky past, separated before, got back together.

The last few years X has been miserable and moody with me, unhappy at home, treating me like crap basically with his moods and unhappy attitude. I now realise it was because he was unhappy with his home life, he wasn't where he wanted to be, had lots of regrets about what he didn't do, about his childhood and youth, how I didnt support him, how in the past I didn't always want to do the stuff he suggested so I guess I held him back - how I was controlling....etc etc.

I was controlling because I was always trying to keep everyone happy, husband, parents, family etc. I now realise that is impossible.

I've been having counselling and getting back onto a more even keel, even feeling more positive about myself. Starting to get a little self confidence. I guess counselling highlights a few important factors about you. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety, so that's what I've been dealing with.

Anyway. Its so hard trying to cut him off/out of my life. Just when i feel I can do it, or start making a life of my own. I can't. He comes round because he spends alot of time with DD and we end up talking, watching TV together, we've even been out as a family together.

However, I know, that if I broach the subject of what is going on, he'll run a mile.

He tries it on with me (to sleep with me) and even though we have fooled around, I am realising that there is no point in this. If he doesn't want to be part of this family, then we can't be doing that. I've said this to him and he agrees, and yet he still tries. And the sad thing is I sometimes agree because I think, at least he likes me.

How sad is that?

He is going away for over a month soon, leaving me with DD, for which I have a lot of resentment about (i.e. the ability to go off and please himself whilst I' left with all the responsibilty) and jokes about how I will have met someone by the time he gets back..

This annoys me because I'm in no place to move on, everytime I think I don't want him anymore, I realise that I do, or that I want us to have a chance at being happy together like we used to be. He just thinks its impossible and splitting up was the only thing we could do, and often tells me that, and yet wants to be around as much as possible to see DD, and tells me that if I see another man and they ever touch our DD, he'll go mad.....And also that it tears him apart the thought of our DD having a step dad etc etc.

I can feel all the life force being sucked out of me, I don't want to have another week of feeling so black and desperate. This has been going on for about 3 years now.

What do I do, it's so hard.

Aw, sorry you are going thru this

Maybe you could use the month that he is away to take some distance from how you feel about him? Also, it seems as if you are shouldering a lot of the blame for the break up, which doesn't really sound fair, surely there are faults on both sides? I think you are being too hard on yourself and expecting too much of yourself.

Definitely don't entertain any intimacy with him, that could just make you feel worse. He seems to be giving you mixed signals which is very unfair and sounds as if he is actually the one holding the cards and is very aware of how you feel about him, don't let him use that knowledge to mix you up.

You can take that power away from him by making a decision to detach yourself from him emotionally. I am sure other MNers will come along and give you better advice on how you can actually start to do this.

Sorry you're feeling so miserable - 3 years! No wonder you're confused - ex is giving you mixed messages, saying one thing, acting another way. I really think he's taking advantage of your confusion and low self confidence to do things on his terms only.

It's very unfair - he's having his cake and eating it, in short. He sounds very selfish - saying it's impossible for you to be together but still trying it on with you.

I think you need to work on dealing with his visits to your DD differently. Distance yourself somehow if you can - maybe have somebody else there so you don't end up in situations where he can try it on and leave you feeling even more confused?

I know youre right. Its been 3 years of this unbearable "I'm unhappy, I'm miserable so I'll be miserable around you" attitude, but happy to everyone else! However, we've only been separated 3 months this time.

The whole thing is just doing my head in. He doesn't think it's possible to work on things, and tries to go off and do his own thing, but then comes round and we both end up feeling really sad about how things have turned out. He says he's lonely and misses his family (I think his DD) but in his mind he was so miserable here that there is no way of working on our relationship. He says he tried. He actually didn't.

He used to say I want to start dating you again, take you out, get to know you, have fun etc etc. But then nothing ever came of it. If I suggested it, he wouldn't seem keen. He wouldn't organise it, and then he would say that he had tried. That's what really annoys me...

I'm not perfect and I had my faults but it's like he couldn't take into consideration that EVERYONE has faults, but marriage isn't all plain sailing.

I feel so blinkin awful......

before I met him I was fine and now I'm a mess! And yet I cant get really angry....at the moment...

I just feel so sad.

I wonder how long it will take to feel normal again. I just want a happy family and someone to be with (But ONLY if they treat me right!)

What an utter wanker this man is. Please try to think of him in those terms, it will help you. Basically he doesn't want to make any effort to have a relationship with you, or put himself out for you in any way, but he likes the idea of you still loving him becausae a) it feeds his ego and b) it's a way for him to get some domestic servicing and the occasional shag when he feels like it. He sounds extremely selfish.
THe best way to think of him is as an annoying family member that you have to put up with seeing for the sake of DD (unless he's actually abusive it is better for her to have a relationship with her father) but you needn't engage with him more than necessary: try treating him with a sort of amused tolerance.

Do you know everyone tells me how selfish he is, but I just can't get it. Is it because I've been with him for over 10 years?

Is it because he is a nice guy, so I can't equate the selfishness and niceness?

Is it because he is nice I make excuses for him?

If he really really wanted to be part of a family, why do his plans always revolve around him first, not his family first i.e. he would be able to take time off work for his pursuits but not for hospital apps for me or DD....

He's only started doing things like taking time off work for DD because he realises now, and also because he hates his job....

He also has other courses which "he's only doing to make a better future for DD", but take up so much of his life that he doesn't get to see that much of DD.....

I am in a REALLY similar position, but am also pregnant which totally doesn't help.

I feel all the mixed emotions you mention. I find being angry is easiest, but today I feel despondent and insecure.

Will post again later, but am fighting sadness myself this morning and am probably not much use.

Er, he isn't a nice guy. He has just been telling you that he is a nice guy for a long time. He is lazy, self-obsessed and selfish.
Always judge people on their actions, not their words. Men like this, those with a huge sense of entitlement, are full of flattery and charm but will never actually put themselves out for anyone else.

I see what you're saying and I know you're going to get annoyed with me, he is selfish, you are right, but he will be round in an instant to help out, he'll look after DD if I'm ill, he will do the DIY I need.....is that to asuage his guilt (spelling, sorry)

Plus everyone loves him, (until this happened!) and he's the life and soul of the party, hes outgoing, determined, and always used to talk about his family and us being the best thing ever.

I don't know, I'm confused. Why can't I get y head round it?

Maybe I can't get angry because I'm just so peed off with it all that I can't be bothered to think about the ifs and buts and why's etc.

He's a nice guy, yes, but he also wants to please himself. So he's a nice guy but not a good partner at the moment. I think deep down inside I'm hoping he'll realise what a jerk he's been and how he really loves me and wants to be a family again.

Pandering to his needs and being nice I suppose wont get me there. I guess he wont learn by me being there for him all the time.

I just feel sad and betrayed by everything....

oh amireallythatsad for you.

It's really not surprising you feel let down. He's really confusing you. There's a lot more to being a nice guy than doing some DIY, and as for looking after DD when you're ill - it's not doing you a favour to take responsibility for his child - it's just how it should be.

I think you're spot on here - pandering to his needs and being nice won't get you there'. By doing that I'm sorry but you're letting him take advantage, and he's not going to stop while you let him. Distance yourself, get away from him and his selfishness and focus on continuing to feel more positive about yourself.

He may see the new positive you and want to come back and make a proper go of it. But you never know, by then you might have decided you deserve better anyway...

He's a 'nice' guy in that he has a degree of superficial charm, but he's not an ethical man. He thinks he is more important than you, because he has a cock. Your relationship has been (by the sound of it) all about his needs, his moods and his feelings.
You can almost certainly forge a decent co-parent relationship with this man in time ie he isn't violent or seriously verbally abusive, but you will need to be able to distance yourself from him and accept that he is basically a selfish unreliable tosser. Because whule you keep hoping and believing that there is a committed loving partner underneath the whiny self-obsessed facade, you will still be trapped.

That's just it - it's the hope that he really isn't turning out to be the person I so desperately hoped he hadn't and isn't and at the moment it's the selfish man whose showing his true colours.

For example, on the weekend's he's supposed to have her, he's already said in the next month he can't have her one day because he's got another arrangent (which is not vitally important and can be cancelled), but he'll get another day off... BUT to me that's not the point. Its not about him, it's about DD.

And also the fact that somtimes you can't do everything YOU want to do....arggghhh.

He thinks it's okay because he can take time off later on..but again, that's not the point. It's about putting his daughter first. It's kinda like those parents who lavish their kids with gifts because they don't give them time.

I guess it boils down to the fact that it's all about him.

He just can't understand why I am so angry with him and put my foot down, and made him have DD for that weekend, so he will have to cancel his plans. I'm supposed to be okay with whatever is good with him.

And then he phones up and apologises and says he's taking a couple of weeks of to spend with DD.... it just feels like too little, too late. And when it's okay with him. It's not about that.

Am I being reasonable?

It's a horrible waste of energy wishing things different and is grinding me down.

I don't know what it is that makes some of us able to accept and move on and others of us stagnate in a pool of wasted hope and sadness.

I know hobgoblin. Part of it is denial.. I guess I'm trying to stop myself from going through all the pain, but I guess I need to go through it to get to the other side and happiness?

Maybe it's the same with you. It's crap, I know!

Ohhhh yes, I've had a right old day of it today. I feel vaguely happier when I don't cut my exdp right out, even though I am aware that I am being taken advantage of.

The being used gets me down after a while, I find an inner reserve and tell him where to go, feel afraid, bend my own rules and wind up right where I started. This has been going on for 19 MONTHS!

I am sorry I can only sympathise. I need a SolidGold Real life buddy who can effectively strait jacket me much of the time, dunno about you?!

I'm exactly the same, I'm having counselling, get bolstered up, feel okay and I can make it, and yet just can't tell him to get stuffed.

Is it because they are nice with it? I bend my rules too. Which, in a way, must be confusing for the men, too?

I'm sorry to hear you've had an awful day Hobgoblin. I have too. I've spent all day crying on and off. Pretty rubbish really.

What is your situation? Are your family and friends telling you how selfish your ex is?

Its not getting much better TBH.

I am being sucked back into the black vortex of depression again. Poor DD, watching Cbeebies all day whilst I mope around, immobilised by the depression which is forming me. I feel like such an awful mum

I just want to escape. Run away. Hide. Move abroad. Do something different. Change my life. Get away. But I am trapped. I feel trapped. I feel frustrated.

I hate this feeling. I don't want to feel like this but I can't get past it. It's taken me as much as I possibly can do to get up and see to DD this am. Got friends coming over later so will have to put on happy front. Don't want them to worry.

Just can move forward in any direction. I'm stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck and I want to cry.

Talk to your friends Get it all out and you may find that they can give you great support. Bottling it all up won't help. A problem shared is a problem halved.....

I know how you're feeling, I've been there. Have you tried anti-ds? They really do help, they take the edge right off the anxiety so you can focus on things. They've been a life-saver for me and along with the counselling should work wonders.

You've reached out here and found others who understand, that's a start. Hopefully you have at least one good friend who can be there for you but if not you have this forum. You are stuck, you're right and the hard part is being able to make a real break with your ex. I felt the same way about mine for a long time until I realised I was allowing him to control me.

You're not an awful mum and your DD adores you (mine is 9 but was 6 when ex-DH left). Think about her. I separated from ex-DH nearly 3 years ago, a year ago I met a man who I thought was the love of my life. Sadly he's let me down (see my thread about crying at work!). I'm very sad but am not going to allow it to scupper my life. I've got stronger through all this, and so will you.