should I tell DH about ex-H trying to contact me again?

[dollybird]

DH & I have been together nearly 11 years - we met 4 months after my ex-H walked out on me - turned out he'd been having an affair and had left me for someone else which I didn't find out for 2 months after he left. Anyway, no children were involved so, once the divorce was sorted we had no contact at all.

Just over a year ago he sent me a message on friends reunited asking how I was after us having no contact for about 9 years which freaked me out at first, so I deleted myself off friends reunited and told DH what had happened. However, curiosity got the better of me so I sent him a message asking why he'd got in touch after so long (I realised it was about 10 years since he left - so maybe some sort of guilt thing). He replied saying he just wanted to know if I was ok - we exchanged a few e-mails but then nothing more. I didn't tell DH about the messages in case he thought there was more to it and I just wanted a few questions answering and no more.

Anyway the other day I got a friend request from him on facebook. I've ignored it, but now I'm wondering if I should tell DH he sent it, and therefore tell him about the messages. I don't think ex-h is going to go psycho or anything if I ignore the request - I don't imagine he would try and contact DH somehow (we've got a not very common surname - so not many of us on facebook). Or maybe I should just forget about it and hope he doesn't contact me again.

personally I think I would just ignore the request, no children are involved so no reason really why you need to keep in touch is there ?

You say: "I didn't tell DH about the messages in case he thought there was more to it."

But I wonder if it is really you who thought there might be more to it?

Not necessarily in a bad way - but perhaps you need to lay something to rest?

You don't owe your XH anything, if you don't want to hear from him, just ignore him.I doubt he means any harm, he may be new on Facebook and doing the usual newbie thing of adding-as-a-friend absolutely everyone he can think of.
Does your DH have trust issues? Because I can't see a level-headed man getting his undies in a bundle if you were to say, oh, XH has sent me a friend request on FB but I'm not going to accept it, can't be arsed with him after all this time.

You could send him a message back explaining how things are. It sounds like it's a 'guilt' friendship to be honest with you.

I am guessing that you wanted some "closure". However, be careful- remember that he let you down/was selfish so whatever you do don't put your current relationship at risk. Your ex could be an "ego-guy" who likes what he can't have and wants the kick of getting you back. Speculation on my part but protect your current relationship even if you feel you need some answers from ex.

best wishes

i think I got all the answers when we 'spoke' before (ie him and the ow had a baby within a year of him leaving - I wanted to know if that's why he left ie she was pregnant - it wasn't.) I don't really hold grudges, so I didn't mind being in touch. DH didn't seem bothered when I told him the first time he got in touch, but if I said he had again without mentioning the e-mails he might think he was trying to stalk me or something. I believe DH trusts me, but, because there was never any need for us to be in touch before, he would find it strange that suddenly we were again. Obv if we'd had children we'd have been in touch the whole of the last 11 years (probably). Why do I feel like I'm being rude to him by ignoring?

well why don't you catch up with him and his current + your current H for a drink. So all in the open.

Ignore it. Seriously. There is no need for him to be in your life, particularly not after he shat on you from such a height.

what would you gain from having him as a 'friend' on facebook or otherwise?

ToughDaddy - that would be interesting! He was crap at socialising when we were together - how weird would that be??

I've just blocked him on f/b - just in case. DH knows his name so I could hardly have him as a friend, plus I don't want him knowing stuff like when I'm going on hols or if I'm going out on Sat nite etc - I would want to be in control of what he knows about me. ill wait & see if he sends me a message on friends reunited again, then maybe explain. Don't really want to send him a meeage now saying I didn't accept it because my husband wouldn't like it and have him thinking he's got something on me.

'message' even

I think that you are doing the right thing. You sound like a nice person and perhaps, just perhaps he has a subconcious desire to mess things up for you.

Given the time that's gone by, ignoring and blocking is probably a good choice.

I'm in a similar situation (divorced and remarried), and would always tell DH if XH and I were in contact. He wouldn't have a problem with it--his main worry would be if it upset me in any way.

ah, thanks TD - I don't feel nice when I've not been honest with DH, but just think it could open an un-necessary can of worms to say I replied to his first e-mail.

I think if I said now that I'd replied etc would DH believe me if I said I'd blocked him etc? He asked me a couple of months ago if he'd tried to contact me again and I said no as it was sort of true.

Have tried to pick DH's brains about this (as in, what would we do in your situation), but he is saying 'they're not us'.

My take on it is that you should tell your DH. It's clearly bothering you that you haven't (as it would bother me). My DH thinks there's no reason to bother your DH with it since you've blocked XH and don't want any further contact.

Geez, we are doubly unhelpful.

Just tell your DH he contacted you via FB but you are blocking him as you are not interested, and don't make a meal of it, just mention it in passing. Then put him out of your mind: you've had the closure, why bother with him again?