Totally fed up with my dh's lack of help around the house. Feeling very sad and undervalued right now :-(

[Fedupandhouseproud]

OK, NCing regular here.

Dh and I usually have a good relationship, he's a great father to the dds and most of the time things are fine.

However, there are times when I feel like banging my head in despair when it comes to getting him to do more around the house. This weekend I have emptied the dishwasher countless times, been up early twice with the dds, hung washing, sorted washing, cleaned, cooked, changed bins and picked up about half a million random things left lying round and put them in their rightful places.

I asked dh this morning (politely, I've learned not to ask him too forcefully ) if he would mind doing more today. I find weekends really hard work when it comes to keeping the place in order, and bank holidays can be hell!

I then went out for five and a half hours, with the dds, and asked him to put a basket of washing away while I was gone.

When I called him to say I was on my way home I asked if he'd put it away to which he said no. When I got back he had put his stuff away but left the rest in piles. He knows where our drawers are ffs.

Then followed an argument whereby I accused him of being sexist as he sees domestic chores as unimportant. I told him he doesn't respect me, just expects things to get done by some magic fairy.

I said he could put the dds to bed, give them dinner, tidy up afterwards and put the rest of the damn washing away. I'm not lifting another finger. Well so far he's fed them, bathed them and washed their hair, but our bedroom floor is covered in toys and the f**king piles of washing. The dds are also running riot downstairs. He is watching TV. Neither of us has spoken to one another for a couple of hours now.

I work pt. Our dds are VERY energetic and full on and aged 3 and 5. I am permanently exhausted. I'm sitting here crying actually because I just feel completely powerless and walked over. He comes from a traditional family where his mother devoted her life to doing everything for him and his three siblings. I didn't. I hate inequality and like to feel that we work as a team with a joint goal. I don't want to feel like a doormat.

I just need some advice really, maybe I'm being hard and demanding, maybe I'm just fed up. What the hell can I do to get the message across any more?

I'm so unhappy!

big big hugs coming your way I know how you feel and it really does get you down loads and makes you fed up.
My p used to say things like i work all day so he should be entitled to just chill! wtf!
Needless to say we are not together anymore, no just over the housework issues, but i find i can manage far better on my own as i dont expect anything from him anymore and i am only lifting up after dcs and not him!
Get yourself out of the house for a couple of hours on your own, go to a friends house or go for coffee somewhere and dont come back until you know the dcs are in bed as they are not just your dcs but his too!

Thanks missy. He's just put them to bed and is making himself some supper. But the bedroom floor is still covered in toys and the godforsaken washing. .

I really feel as if I'm heading for some kind of breakdown. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm just worn down by the relentlessness of it all! I'm taking it all out on the dds too, been really snappy yet very melancholy and sad all week.

I'm going to have a bath in a minute then f-off to the spare room for the night. I don't know whether he'll lower himself to tidying up the kitchen when he's finished, but I'm not cleaning up after him tonight.

This is really serious - you are clearly at the end of your tether. Can you talk to him? Explain that this might be fatal for your relationship if unresolved and how does he feel about that prospect. My DH can be really lazy and I'm guilty of letting things fester however when I do lay it on the line for him he really makes an effort. It is a permanent thing - household chore inequality I mean - but I don't let it get out of control and he is gradually getting better at pulling his weight. Good luck to you m'dear.

This is a constant bone of contention in our house as well and I can't be arsed name changing.
Usually DP only starts doing things when I start having a go at him over it. He then says that he resents me telling him what to do. My reply is if that he done what needed to be done I wouldn't have to 'tell/ask' (its interperated the same way whatever way I say it).
Been going round in circles with constant arguements and resentment building up and its slowly destroying our relationship.
He says i've turned into a nag and I say he's made me a nag (he never used to be like this).
Sorry for the moan, but you are not alone, very often I would prefer to be on my own again.

no you are just right but it annoys us more than it annoys them. my p would just step over things to be put away and i wonder how can you not fucking see that! When it came to his own stuff it was always neat and tidy! Men are just so fucking selfish, its a hard one cause they think they are doing nothing wrong and its us woman who are nagging them. Take yourself up to the spare room and let him sleep in the messy room and tell him thats the way its gonna be from now if he doesnt help out a bit more as you like your being taken for granted and not appreciated and that you couldnt sleep in a room that messy. Close the spare room door, read a book and chill

FWIW we are having the same row here today.

You are not alone [weak] .

FWIW we are having the same row here today.

You are not alone [weak] .

Read this. Then tell your DH to read it. Then tell him that men who are lazy and selfish WRT domestic work because they think that having a cock makes them exempt from doing it, and that women exist to service them, get less and less sex, because the woman fairly rapidly starts to feel that sex is just another service expected from her. COuples where there is enough mutual respect and caring for domestic work to be shared in a way that both partners are happy with, have better sex lives.

He put his own washing away, and is making himself some dinner? Nice.

Of course YANBU, and I'm really sorry that I can't offer anything other than sympathy.

Thanks all for your replies. .

Sparkle- yes I do feel as though I've reached the end of my tether. I've just tried to speak to him again. It turned pretty nasty with both of us ending up swearing at each other. He says I'm obsessive and OCD and it shouldn't be his problem. I said I'm not OCD (our house is hardly a show home) but I am house proud and find running a family of four in a large house bloody hard work.

I said he doesn't respect me. He said he basically didn't give a shit and couldn't be arsed to argue with me. He then did what he always does when we argue - stopped listening.

We will now go to bed in separate rooms. He will sleep soundly. I will lie awake sobbing. He will not talk until he is ready. He never does. Even then he will not take on any possibility that he could be in the wrong.

Solidgold, yes sex feels like another chore. It has done for years now. TBH I could live without it quite happily. Not saying I don't have a libido, I do have something of one still. But I find sex with him has become something I do to please him. He's v good looking but I don't find sex with him exciting.

Fedupandhouseproud, I could have written your last post down to the respect and the ocd

FUAHP: He's a selfish tosser and sadly he isn't going to change. He thinks you're a 'woman', not a person and that nagging is what women do, but that they are there to service men domestically and sexually and the nagging is just the price a man's gotta pay.
It's not surprising you don't enjoy sex with him. It's not exciting to have sex with someone who has no respect or consideration for you.

SGB, just read the article. Sooo true. DH was attracted to me at first as I was feisty career woman blow job queen. He said he liked a woman with brains and independence yet now he wistfully and enviously harks back to a time when men did less round the house and had zero input on childrearing. His father did chuff all and spoke (speaks) to his wife like dog shit.

I sometimes ask him why he married me when surely he actually would have been happier with either:

a) doormat gimp wife
b) lazy slattern

Thanks for the article. Will leave it on dh's pillow tonight. It's so bloody true.

I think that you need to write down what you want from him and what your expectations are.

You then need to have a rational conversation with him about it, as this is a PARTNERSHIP. It might be worthwhile going out for a meal, then you can not raise your voice or him his.

You need to be clear, conside and really exact about what you need for him to do.

DH has a routine that he does everyday adn when I was ill recenly he rant he whole house.

If I want the washing put away, then I tell him that it needs to go in the wardorbe and drawes. Ititially he didnt know which drawers things went into but he does now.

Men like to tell you what they have done - you know. I have done the washing up.

DH does the following everyday:

Empties the DW before work
Feeds the cat
Empties the cats litter tray
Brings me a cup of tea
Goes to work
Gets the boys bathed (if home in time)
Boys in PJ's
Story reading
Feeds the cat
Empties the litchen bin

He also does the main bins weekly and any DIY stuff.

If the washer needs putting on - he will do, same with the tuble dryer.

But this has taken time. I have basically trainned him (just like a dog ). Gave him instruction and then praised what he did.

It is unacceptable for your DH not to be involved in the day to day running of your and his home.

ThanksMadhouse. I like the dog analogy

You're right. A calm talk is what's needed.

I have just heard him switch the dishwasher on . I bet he didn't put any powder in it though.

Oh and thats the other thing, you need to let him make his own mistakes and of cource we could do it better, but thats not the aim is it

Its a bit like mums who complain their DH never change a nappy, but then say "give them here, you dont do it like that" as soon as they try

So if he didnt ass the soap, let him find out, so that he doesnt make the same mistake twice

Well he's gone off to the messy bedroom. If he doesn't sort it out before he goes off to work in the morning I'll be livid, I think it could be the last straw.

I put your article on his pillow SGB. Whether or not he's read it I don't know. Probably not. That's the difference between us... if he left something like that out for me to read I would want to read it even if the truth did hurt. I'd want to know what was going on in his head. I don't think he really gives a shit as to what I think - really I don't. He just thinks I'm a silly hysterical obsessive nagging woman.

Fedup- As ever, interesting stuff from SolidGold. I am not advocating this as a long term approach but there are DHs who unashamedly trade sex for housework: inspection before nooky . I am NOT advocating this as a long term approach as it can be a dangerous road to go down.

While it can be a dangerous road to go down (particularly as there is still a fair bit of socialisation for women to regard sex as currency ie as something to trade rather than something to do because it's enjoyable) it can be a good starting point for discussion: that if he does nice things for you, you feel more inclined to do nice things with/for him.

yep, I was trying to be careful but how I suggest this but you can use whatever tools you have to give him shock treatment if all else fails.

I've been thinking about this overnight. I will when things have settled a little, broach the sex issue carefully. I'll tell him that lately sex has felt like yet another chore and that I've not been enjoying it much. If he's got any sense of dignity (and I know he's got plenty) he won't want to feel as if I'm having sex unwillingly. It'll be far too against his massive male pride to imagine that he's providing anything other than orgasmic pleasure to a woman whilst sexually in his company.

So thanks again for the advice SBG and TD, this may be worth a shot... but it'll have to be done tactfully.

I left the paper on his pillow last night, now idea if he read it or not as I stubbornly stayed in bed this morning until 8.30am. He's gone to work. All the washing and toys have been put away, except my stuff. How petty we both are.

I spotted your post last night but just didn't have time to respond. I feel totally the same as you alot of the time.

I work full-time at home as a CM, and my DH just does not get how tiring this is, and rarely does anything without prompting.

If I nag about it, we row, then I still do everything feeling even worse and upset. I have a mini-meltdown most Sunday's trying to get everything organized for Mondays. Then DH will say something like 'Lets go out for a family bikeride' and I feel like throwing something at him because I DONT HAVE TIME!!!

Anyway not much advice here, but lots of sympathy All I can say is it will get easier as the kids get older (mine are 5 and 8 now). Good luck with the article.

Thank you dietstartstomorrow

Hi there,

Just to give a guy's perspective on this I think there's a couple of things to say.

Firstly, your DP is clearly bloody idle but certainly not alone in it. Various guys (and partners of girls) I and DW know do staggeringly little, both in terms of childcare and stuff around the house. Really staggeringly little. It's really a throw back to the last generation. Personally, I'm not a saint, but I lived away from home for a long time before getting married so got used to having to look after the place you live in. Besides, DW would kick my arse if I was just sat around doing nothing while she ran around doing everything! So, sympathy for you but you're not alone.

Second thing though to bear in mind, is that men and women do have very different priorities. Things that bother women often just don't bother men in the same way (which DW and I do have um, conversations about!). Eg. I'd be really be perfectly happy to leave last night's clothes on the bedroom floor til the following morning or only hoover when it obviously needs doing or leave the playroom messy over the weekend whereas DW hates this. This is a bit tricky because it comes down to different views on life: a guy would be entirely happy to have a slightly messy house whereas the girl wouldn't be happy unless the house wasn't messy. Who is right about how the house should be? (Well, DW obviously, but objectively speaking!) I guess my point is that because men and women do generally seem to have different views, it's not always just a case of the man being idle. E.g. clearing away toys - he may genuinely not view it as worth it because the kids are going to get them out the next morning anyway and it just doesn't bother him in the interim. As such it may be worth picking your battles/ making him do the things that bother you more or make a difference. Just a thought and feel free to flame!