DH would like a third DC but I don't... (long)

[Flyonthewindscreen]

There seem to be a lot of threads by MNetters who would like a 2nd/3rd or more DC but their DH/DP is against the idea - anyone like me in the opposite position?

We have a DS of 7 and a DD of 5. They are lovely, healthy children and we are very lucky. Before we had any DC, DH would sometimes idly say 3 DC would be the right number but once we had our first baby he changed his mind and I never heard another word about having 3, in fact it was me that was keener to have a second DC (DH wanted a bigger gap).

Fast forward 5 years and over the last few months DH has admitted to being broody and we have had a couple of conversations about the possibility of having another DC. There seems to be a huge spate of babies and especially third babies around us at the moment and I feel there is always a bit of an atmosphere when I have to tell DH about X or Y's new baby.

There is no particular reason why we can't have another, I conceived and gave birth to DS and DD easily (although I am now nearly 38 so my wouldn't be as fertile), I am a SAHM so there is no income to lose by my having to stop work and our house is big enough for another DC.

Except I really don't want another. For various reasons 1)Except for maybe a small craving to do the tiny new baby bit again, I don't want to do the whole DC 0-5 years again. In fact am horrified by the thought. The slog, the bloody hard work of it, the boredom, everything. I'm enjoying having school age children now.
2) DD and DS are close enough in age to be at a similar stage and play together and a new DC would be stuck on their own.
3) If I don't try to resurrect my career in some small form now and go back to work pt I don't think I ever will.
4) On a more trivial point, I have given away virtually every item of baby clothing/equipment/toys (except for a few momentos) and I started doing that as soon as DD grew out of her first size baby clothes because I just knew I wouldn't need them again.

DH knows I am mostly against the idea of another DC but I don't think I've put it as strongly to him as I've just written above. I love DH very much and I hate the thought of him harbouring a regret that we never had more DC, basically because of my own selfish reasons but I just can't do this for him.

Seems like you have both been on the same page, but not at the same time.

We have 3. They are 8. 5 and 3.

All were jointly agreed on and both of us would have liked more.

I don't think your reasons are selfish. You are being honest. Maybe you could have a chat when the kids are in bed and say why you don't want another and let him say why he does. Try and listen to each other without interupting and see how it goes.

I don't think you're being selfish - I think you're being honest. You don't want another child for perfectly sound reasons. You are thinking beyond the slushy newborn ahhhhh factor, and thinking of the reality of another person.

Your children are currently 7 and 5, so if you were to conceive and go ahead with another pregnancy, you're talking a fairly large age gap once it's born. Big enough that your family will have two distinct 'parts', and there will be very little the children have in common. Days out/holidays etc will be more complex because your children will have different wants and needs. Yes, the newborn and baby bit will be no problem, because a baby just goes with you everywhere, but what about when the youngest is 4/5 and the older ones are fast approaching their teens? I have 3 myself, but I always knew I wanted 3, as did DH, and we had them close together, so it affected our careers etc minimally. You know that you want to get back to work and being honest, another baby would set this back and you say yourself that you probably won't get back to work if you don't do it soon.

Why not suggest a puppy instead?!

I don't want a third. I have two beautifull but very challenging and demanding little girls.

I love them with all my heart but there is no way at all I could cope with a third.

Dh however thinks I will change my mind and in two years wishes to start trying again.

DH has always always wanted a little boy to name after his father and even more so now his nephew has passed away. But it's never going to happen.

I have tried my best to make that as clear as possible to him but it doesn't seem to sink in.

feel the same here. dd1 is 3.5, dd2 is 9 mo and i'm really very happy to stop there. dh DESPERATELY wants no. 3. i'll probably go along with him as i'd hate to have him resent me.

i think you need to talk to him about how strongly you feel. you might find he's not as set on it as you think.

Tricky one. It's not like the anguish of being childless is it, but it's still potent, and I understand that.

If you won't then you won't, and he'll jut have to have time to get over it.

Your reasons are sensible. He needs to hear them.

Best of luck,
xRCB

Thanks for replies, I don't think it is a dilemma there is any answer to... The only time I would have been seriously open to having a 3rd DC was when DD was tiny i.e. to have had 3 close together instead of 2 but DH had no desire for more then.

It sounds like it's something your DH would like, but not something he's desperate for, so although there may be a lingering regret, it's unlikely to be absolute resentment. I'm sure you have already told him that a couple of years ago you would have considered it but it wasn't the right time for him, so you feeling that it's no longer right for you now is equally valid.

We had a totally unplanned DC3 - I know it's an awful thing to admit to when so many people desperately want kids and can't have them, but I cried for 4 solid days when I found out I was pregnant. The others were 9 and 4 and I felt that I was just getting my life back. DH was the one going "two kids, three kids, what the hell" but I was gutted. Yes, it has worked out really well and our youngest has brought a lot of joy to our lives, but it did change a lot of things, more for me than DH which is the way these things geneally go. It's also difficult some days dealing with teenage hormones at one end of the house and kindy homework at the other! If it's not right for YOU, it's not the right decision for your family.

Sunnydelight - doesn't sound awful at all! I had to have counselling when I found I was expecting my third - I was so distraught. When he was born I had a 2 year old and a not-quite 4 year old and I only just managed to cope. That was 10 years ago and, of course he's absolutely gorgeous and I wouldn't be without him for the world. We'd never have planned a third but he was the best mistake I've ever made!

KamR - if you're absolutely sure you don't want a third then I don't think you should have one for your partner's sake. I love my No.3 to bits, but I can't pretend having 3 has been easy. There's less of you to go round and I have a permanent feeling with each one that I haven't done enough fun things/got involved enough with homework/just spent enough time chatting to them. They also get more and more expensive the older they get!