Is it me or him?

[starlover]

argh, just had another mini-row with DP.

Had a huuuuuuge fight the other day with me scraeming and throwing glasses on the floor etc etc because I am SO pissed off with him.
He basically lives the exact same life as he did before DS was born. He very, very rarely does ANYTHING around the house, despite me pleading with him many times to help me.
He never gets up in the morning to look after DS so I can have a lie-in. I do all the cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc etc
He says that he feels like because he is out at work all day he shouldn't have to do anything.
But I feel like I am hard at work all day too with DS, and I don't get evenings and weekends off!

What also annoys me is that on weekends and stuff he won't get out of bed until gone 11 usually. Which means that we miss out on half the day. I am usualyl up at around 6.30 with DS and I go in and ask DP to get up every half hour or so but all i get is "oh, but i'm tired"
Does he not think I'M tired??????? if he didn't spend half the night on the pc or watching tv he wouldn't be so tired!

Anyway, we are currently sharing a car, and I needed to go into town this morning to get some stuff. So, I said could I drop him off at work on the way, he said yes. But he wouldn't get out of bed.
DS has a feed at 7.30 and then usually naps at about 8.30 or 9. I had myself as DS ready to go by 8.00 so that he would sleep while I was in town and we would be back home before he needed his next feed.
Only DP wouldn't get up. When he finally gets up he takes FOREVER to get ready, by which time DS is desperate for his sleep and crying.

The other thing is that I am terrible with money. DP paid off my credit cards and cut them up and he also looks after my debit card so I don't get overdrawn, and gives me an allowance each week to buy stuff with.
I asked if I can have my allowance which I am supposed to get on a Monday (but we both forgot), and he says he got it out the bank but lent it to someone!
He suggests that I take the Norwegian Kroners he has left from his trip over there, change them at the post office and then use that!!!!
At which point I lost it.

Why am I always last on his list of priorities? Why didn't he tell his friend that he couldn't lend him some money because it was for me? Why did he not make sure he took some more out of the bank to give me? Why does he think that i shouldn't care?????

He says that I am unreasonable and unwilling to find a solution (ie changing money)... But he can't see that I have already waited around for him all morning to get ready with a fractious 12 week old who needs a sleep. That going and changing money just means I have to spend longer in town.
Why can't he understand that it isn't even really about the money, it's about the fact that his friend comes higher on his list of priorities than me????
He can't even drag his lazy arse out of bed to make things easier for me.

But am I being unreasonable? I do suffer from depression and questionable BPD... am I taking it all too personally? I question my ability to handle things properly, and when he says that I have no right to get upset I wonder whether it is just my abnormal take on the matter...

I don't know. This is stupidly long and boring... I just needed to get it off my chest

Sounds good....what do you feel?

I've been like him, starlover. I learned that I need to pay attention to dw and what she does. Waiting to be prompted does nothing to solve the problem.

I hope that he means everything he said in his e-mail. We're both really shit at talking about stuff face to face, but hopefully this will have got things out in the open.

I am so used to hiding how I feel, and "coping" with things on my own that I think I need to get used to asking him for help more, and telling him exactly how I feel...

Maybe we're on the way up?

You both sound like me and dw two years ago. We got through it and are so strong now, you wouldn't know we'd had problems.

You do need to talk face to face, though. It really brings things home.

Second bit has just made me cry....sounds like a great bloke just a bit clueless.

So DO tell him - when he's sitting watching you run around like a blue-arsed fly, tell him exactly what you want him to do. I know he shouldn't need telling, but he apparently does. Tell him that you want a couple of hours off to go shopping on Saturday as well, while you're at it, and start leaving the baby with him.

Perhaps give him on-going tasks that are always his responsibilty...that way you don't have to keep asking and he can take a little ownership rather than never being sure what to do next?

yes, amybe I need a rota. So he cooks dinner on certain nights, and lets me have a lie-in on a sunday or whatever

Had the same problem with DH with DS was the same age. DH thought just because I did go to work that I was on permanently holiday. We had numerous fights, one resulted in me telling him I was starting to hate him because instead of supporting and making life easier for me he was adding to my stress and exhaustion. At one point I actually convinced myself that I didn't love him anymore and went absolutely hysterical during one fight and started to shut him out.

Things got lot better over the next few months but the final straw for him was when my GP tried to put me on ADs when ds was 8mnths old, because I was so stressed and exhausted. That was a big shock and wake up call for dh. And the change in him as be so remarkable. Also as DS has got older he has there has been so much more interaction between them and he loves looking after him. We alternate sleep in at the weekends and make sure I always have one day to myself at the weekend(where dh is solely responsible for ds).

Things have changed so much since ds was born that we are now expecting no2 and DS is such a daddy's boy. The couple months ago I started taking over the housework, washing, ironing and cooking that DH doesn't actually do anything (unless I need him too) besides doing his share with ds, that is because I wanted it that way.

Have children is really hard and puts alot of strain on a relationship. Focus on yourself and ds and forget the rest, dp will soon start complaining and doing it (cooking, cleaning, etc) himself. Also, leaving ds with him all day with make him realise that it is harder to look after a baby than it is to go to work. I actually find DH telling other people that now. I hope things do get better for you. As my health visitor said you both made him you both equally responsible for his care no matter who goes to work or doesn't.

I delegated washing (although had some reservations about DP wasing my nickers). Anyway now I get barked at if I don't Oxy10 it and don't turn things inside out etc...Point is he takes pride in keeping the washing up to date and I don't have to think about it (other than putting away which is cool).

Sorry just noticed how long and boring that post was and all the grammer/spelling mistakes.

CADS... it's good to know it can get better. I said in my e-mail to DP that I felt like I wanted to leave him. I feel like a one-parent family, and would rather be on my own with ds than have to be a mother to dp as well!

Anyway, hopefully we will be able to talk about this face to face when he gets home!

Am just trying to pull myself together enough to take ds to the doctor as he has his immunisations today!

Starlover, glad your dh seems to be getting the idea. I sometimes feel a bit like a sergeant-major in that unless I SAY something needs doing, it won't get done. Fortunately, dh aware that being at home is much more knackering than being at work - mostly because now I work 2 days a week (dd is nearly 2) I refer to those days as my days off!

Starlover, that's is exactly how I felt too. It does get easier as baby gets older, you will be able to relax and have more time to do things around the house and yourself. Do try with have some time to yourself (to read a mag, have a cuppa, etc) when your ds is napping. DS has one nap now (between 1-2hrs) and during that time I do absolutely nothing. I get back to any chores/shopping when he is awake.

I think I shall have to organise an afternoon out with a friend, and dp can look after ds.

I ALSO think I am over-tired, so must must must start having a nap in the day!

Starlover, I really do think a lot of men need to be told what to do, otherwise they don't get it. Dh can understand theoretical physics but has to have the washing machine explained over and over! Its so hard with your first baby because its a huge change for everyone, and you're all tired and stressed. Hope you can work things out.

the thing is, he lived with his housemate for ages before we moved in together... and he was forever moaning about how messy she was!
and yet now he seems to be unable to do anything! I know he used to cook every evening and do all his washing etc...
/dadcam.jpg
i think i need to take a firmer stand.

thank you all so much for your replies, i feel a lot better than I did this morning!
(despite the bombsite that is my kitchen!)

Chipmonkey is right. My dh also used to be very tidy when he lived in a shared flat. I think (sometimes) that maybe now I'm a mother, his mother's role around the house when he was little is coming into play - i.e. will "help" with housework, when told, but shows little initiative, which I find trying. Also, mess becomes much more of a big deal when you're living in it. Obviously if you're out, you can't see it, so I'd spend as much time out of the house as possible!

Starlover my DH is exactly the same as yours yet a shade worse! He works from home (supposedly) so doen't get up til 11 every day! I do everything around the house while he sits and watches etc etc. I am glad the email worked for you because I tried exactly the same tactic when talking got nowhere, but the email was no better. Have written him loads in time but makes no difference, he is just dman lazy I think and doesn't feel guilty about me doing everything. He would never agree to me working on a saturday as he wouldn't have a clue what to do and DD is now 20 months! I wish I had tried harder at your stage of things because I will never change him now.

he was very lovely when he came in last night. He gave me a big hug and asked me if I was ok.
And, he asked if anything needed doing, and helped clean the kitchen...
lets just hope it lasts!

You have to keep at it. Eventually, he will learn, but I agreed with everyone else men just don't have the capacity to ask if they can help on their own. You have to keep telling them what to do. That is why men refer to us as nags, they make us that way. We will have to teach are sons better.

Well I don't have children eyt but my DH was exatly the same when we first got married, I work f/t and he works mon-thurs, I used to get fed up of doing everything myself, so i'd leave a list on the fridge , and get out what I wanted cooking for dinner, (all be it he did it all half hour b4 I came in but it was all tidy for when I did come in.) anyhow, after a few months he realised that if he did these things he'd get 'rewarded' so to speak ie/ if he helped witht the house work he got to watch star trek or something or go on the computer for an hour. now he does more in the hosue than me/ at least it's more equal and I've learnt not to nag so to speak - ie/ i'll ask him in the break if he's up could he possibly do x,y and x whilst he's in the kitchen. althou I don't know how much of it he does for a quiet life! lol.

as for the child part, a friend had ur situation and she left her little one with her DH for the day (went out at 10 and back at 4 ish) we popped into town then she came to ours and had a cuppa u know mainly to drag it out and let him have longer with the child. In short when she got back she was more appriciated cos her DH didn't realise how much she had to do during the day.

hope all works out for you. ooh and also, another thing I learnt quicky - DH and I have diffenernt ideas on hanging the washing out and ironing, when I did mention this to him how it should be done ie my way. he got in a huff and stormed off, now thou I don't care so much as long as it all gets done and he helps out. so what if he hangs everything upside down or by the shoulders it all comes together in the end! and the sleeping in part - my DH is the same so now I wake him up at about 9.30 unless i'm feeling nice then it's 10 ish - mainly I send the dogs in but worth a try for you thou?

Hi Starlover

How have things been the last few days?

much better cads! he has been offering to help, and has done things when i ask him.
as reward i let him watch his bloody lord of the rings extended version!

dont have time to respond as dd's got a smelly bum and friends ds due here any min..but wanted to say hi, i know how you feel and heres a big kick up the bum for him(are we living witht the same person!!!)