Advice, on getting back with husband?

[YoVicko]

My DH left me 8 months ago, after us going through some rocky times. He'd been having an affair with woman at work. I was devestated even though I could see it coming, I would have rather worked at it than just split up. He moved out into a flat nearby, at new year she moved in with him. Throughout this time he's been at the house at least three times a week seeing DS, taking him to school, taking him out, having him over one day a week. We've been trying to get on and go out on family trips together. We've been having sex at least once a week throughout this period even though he's with her!

4 weeks ago he text me to say he'd made a mistake, can he please come home, he misses me, son, family life. He's still with her at the moment and says he's working out how to dump her. He doesn't want to tell her that he's coming back to me as she'll 'go balistic' - esp as they work for the same company. He wants to say that he's leaving her because he wants to spend more time with son.

Every day since he told me he wants to come back has felt like a month - I really want him back but at the same time, I'm worried a) that he wants to come back because he loves me, not just because of our DS (he says he does), and b)that he'll change his mind and not leave her or after he's left her it won't work out between us.

Has anyone else been through this - did it work, any advice?

I'm sure others can advise better than me but my initial thoughts are that you probably ought to stop sleeping with him and let him remain exactly where he is. Once he has ended things with the OW, I still wouldn't let him come home but would encourage him to stay in the flat until you've both made some decisions.

You need to decide if you really want him back or if you're just feeling lonely and as you say, whether or not he really wants you or just misses your ds? Maybe he is regretting leaving but at the mooment, he is having his cake and eating it and its not fair on anyone concerned (including OW!).

I would wait until he's 'single' and then when you're sure what you want, may be consider 'dating' again?

It is hard but ultimately I'm not sure that you can make any decisions at all until you've stopped sleeping together (I'm not judging you btw).

He doesn't want to tell her that he's coming back to you because 'she'll go ballistic' = "If I tell her I'm coming back to you, she'll go ballistic, and I won't be able to nob the both of you then."

Sorry, no other real practical advice. Must be hard, and I hope you make the right decision for you and your son.

I bet he's telling her the same things about you, that you would go ballistic if he didn't see DS and see him/you so often. And he's then using this subterfuge to sleep with you. He is monumentally having his cake and eating it. He's getting exactly what he wants here - why on earth would he want to change this?

Could you ever trust him again?
Could you ever be 100% sure he would actually finish with the OW and cut her out of his life altogether (would probably involve him getting new job?)
Could you ever be sure he wouldn't do it again with someone else - he would probably think you would be there waiting for him again when got bored again?

Unless you can answer yet to those three things it's not something you should even contemplate. And stop sleeping with him and think about what you and your son need and deserve - a good partner, a good father, one who loves you and only you and is totally dependable and honest.

Firstly how did you feel when you first found out dh was having an affair, and how long it has taken you to overcome those feelings? It could be a vicious circle obv something was wrong with your marriage that he strayed. I certainly wouldn't trust him.

You've been having sex at least once a week thoughtout this period even though he's with her - ekkkk have you any respect for yourself??

Obviously the grass isn't very green with this new chick, who he will continue to see day in and day out, and obviously if he is (pardon the pun) poking you whilst poking her he is not very truthful to her either. Take him back and I think it will all end in tears, he sounds like a slimeball who isn't worthy of being happy.

DON'T DO IT and STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM.

He left you for her, he lived with her, now he is tired of her and decided to get back with you.

Personally I would not allow this person back into my life.

Tbh I don't think you have been able to gain any perspective or even begin to move on as he has made sure that has you in reserve by continuing to sleep with you the whole time he was with her.

I think he sounds like an utter bastard to be quite honest, he has put himself first at every turn and the way he has behaved sounds to me quite calculating.

If you really want to be back with him (why??!!) then I think it is essential that you tell he must finish with her first and then for him to stay alone for a while. I suspect that he will:

a. Not finish with her and continue to try to sleep with you, keeping you in reserve.

b. Finish with her, move back in with you and then continue to sleep with her.

c. Finish with her, get bored of waiting for you to allow him back and shack up with someone else rapidly.

At least as hurtful as it will be you will know where you really stand. I know it is so bloody hard but I honestly think you would better to cut your losses and move on based on the information you have given.

IMO from what you have said - it will work if you are going to be ok with the fact that it's likely he will be sleeping with someone else (maybe her maybe someone completely diferent) when he comes back to you.

He is cheating on her with you at the moment. What makes you think that he will not cheat on you again?

Best advice I can give is you should walk away from him completely and only deal with him during child contact. Stop sleeping with him, move on, learn to be happy again. At the moment you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it and that won't stop if he dumps her, it will just happen again with someone else.

The words cake and eat it spring to mind

Oh I agree with all of the fab advice on here.

Don't let him have the affair with you and leave her for you, after all that is what he did to you in the first place. He needs to learn lessons from his own mistakes and realise that you can't just get you (who he has hurt badly) to jump to his side and help him out. I'd say he needs to work VERY hard before you even begin to think about having him back. If you take him back under the current circumstances, you will always wonder if and when he will do it again. He just wants to make this as easy as possible for himself. Unfortunately, when it comes to humans and playing with peoples feelings, life is not so easy and he needs to see this if he is ever to have reason not to do it again.

My initial thought is do not take him back, ever, he doesn't deserve it.

However, if you are considering it, see if he walks the walk - STOP sleeping with him immediately and tell him this. Tell him to sort out the OW first and foremost and that maybe once he has split from her, that he has to stay in his flat for 'x' amount of months as a single man to prove to you that he can behave himself, treat you special and woo you. Don't sleep with him until he has wooed you till he is blue in the face. If he is worth it and if he is serious he will respect your wishes and play it your way. He has got a lot of making up to do here and you need to see his intentions before you let him back into your life on a full time basis.

If you make this at all easy for him, you are helping him to get out his mess and it is up to him to sort this out, regardless of whether he works with her. Not your problem and he does not deserve one ounce of sympathy for his 'predicament'.

Also, if he does eventually move back in, just be prepared that it is not going to be an automatic fairytale. I think you will spend a lot of time learning to trust him and being angry with him. Tread very carefully.

Best of luck.

God, I know you are all right. I know no one does, but I so didn't want to be a single mum. I love him and hate him at the same time if that makes sense. I was just starting to accept us being split when he threw this at me! It seems she wants more from the realtionship than he does - ie. marriage and a baby. I'd told him that if he was going to split with her he should do it by DS's birthday (mid June). I will (though I'll find it so difficult) back off him completely until he's either done it or after birthday and then assess the situation. YOu are right about my shit self esteem...