You know how I said how difficult it is to get properly rid of exdp?

[hobbgoblin]

Well, it truly is.

I've kept my distance, kept the boundaries.

I agreed to help him with some stuff pre final hearing for his divorce and was apparently a huge help and heard a degree of gratitude from him not previously experienced. On 2nd night of this help it seems he was hoping I'd cover stress relief as well as doing paperwork by giving him a BJ. I refused and sent him home to focus on the day ahead.

He won his court battle, was delighted and sent me so many texts thanking me for my help over the last 20 months.

I left him a card and a bottle of bubbly in his kitchen for his return. Promises of celebrating together were made.

Next thing I know I have him on my door step at 2.30 am asking to come in.

He stays, no sex. In the morning asks if I want to do lunch. I'm non committal. I then discover he has the evening free. I ask what his plans are and it becomes clear they do not involve me.

Am I unreasonable to think that after 20 months of putting up with his crap behaviour and hours and hours of support emotionally and practically being given, to go and get rat arsed with a bunch of 'friends' who haven't once been there for him, not even bothering to pop in and see me and actually say thanks instead of just texting on the day that all the stress is finally over is just totally rubbish? I was called every break in the Hearing, was there 2 nights before working on his stuff, and was even aske dif I could run some documents up to Court for him on day 1.

I got out of bed on Saturday and said "Now it is time for you to f* off and never come back here again".

He tried for a hug on the way out. Called me 2 hours later 'to see if I'd calmed down' and then texted today inviting me out with him and the children, followed by a call 'to see if I was alright' and why didn't I respond to the invite this afternoon. Then I get a text asking if I want to come and share a glass of Champagne with him...

It just goes on and on and on. I know it's my fault too because I'm ending something I wish had worked out different and am sometimes vulnerable to his persuasiveness and persistence...

I know nothing of your situation, never read a thread about it before. I cant make head nor tail of your post tbh.

You call him exdp but do you want him back? Orf are you trying again? Half the post sounded like you dont want him and the other half sounds like you do. What boundaries are you keeping to?

gg, it probably doesn't make a lot of sense if you know nothing of the history, sorry.

He was my dp since separating from his wife nearly 2 years ago. We are now expecting a baby in a few weeks but since becoming pregnant he has pretty much walked out on the relationship. However, he always comes back and I always let him.

Just recently I decided to try and stop allowing this and felt I needed to focus on the baby and my DC. I have done this but obviously still have to deal with this man.

It's just if I give an inch he takes a mile and even though I know he is an arse, I miss him and I wish we could have worked things out for the baby's sake.

Ah, not a good time for big decisions then really, hormones arent a great help! I guess once the baby is here you will have a better idea how you feel.

Sorry you are in a tricky situation But congratulations on the baby You are right to focus on you and the kids. I guess its only you who knows if you can cope with having him coming and going or if you can keep yourself detached enough to have him around sometimes but not get upset if he isnt available when you want him

Don't want to speak out of turn cos I don't know you or any of your other threads but just on the surface of it I think you're undervaluing your worth here. His focus should be very much on you and the baby if he had any ounce of a sense of responsibility and understanding of what he's put you through, pregnant to boot. In your shoes I'd feel like utter crap. I'd feel the need to draw a line for my own sanity really. I know its hard when you love someone but he's not exactly giving it back is he? Are you just hoping that now this is all out of the way he'll focus back on you?

Stop letting him come back. Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you were his 'rebound' relationship that got him over his XW and now he has decided you are a 'friend' which, in his eyes, means he can leech off you indefinitely and whine at you for being unreasonable if you don't do what he wants. Make yourself unavailable to him, work on building a life for yourself and your DC and have no contact with him until the baby is born (unless other DC are his in which case get someone else to do handovers for access).

Is that real? 'Being the rebound relationship'? I mean, does that happen for nearly two years.

Yep. It is difficult but you need to cut ties. I have been there, I was with ds's dad for 3 years before ds came along and he decided he couldn't handle the commitment He kept weasling back and I let him until earlier this year when I realised that it was doing me more harm than good and cut all ties. It's painful but you must move on. He seems to think he can just come over anytime and you will be grateful of it. Make sure you have a good support system set up for after the birth because I would guess that he will try it on when you are vulnerable

I think it can turn into the easy option after a while. If he gets what he wants from you when he wants it and feels he can swan off when he doesnt feel like being in a relationship then he is probably thinking he is onto a good thing. If you can handle that and are willing to put up with that then theres no problem but I think its important (especially atm) that you know what he thinks is going on. I have had relationships like that which have worked extremely well, but both partners have known that was the deal and didnt want any more.

Why do people do that though when it stops them finding the person they would actually wish to commit to?

I don't get why if he knows we aren't the real deal, he doesn't invest his time and energy in finding someone he feels happier settling down with. He goes on and on about his age, so if he feels he's getting 'past it' then he should waste no time in finding the right woman, surely? Odd. I think it's the baby that was the deal breaker for him and me.

Judge him by what he does, not what he says. He doesn't want to 'find the right woman', what he wants is you to keep on feeding, indulging and occasionally shagging him while he makes no effort whatsoever and can wander off and shag other people when he feels like it.

Yep yep yep SG has it spot on. There seems to be a breed of men like this
He is after what he can get, which is no strings attatched fun. Except there are strings, you obviously still have feelings for him, and you have a baby on the way. You nee to have more self respect, or you will learn the hard wya. He has already hurt you. Don't let him do it again. And certainly do not ever let him sleep in your bed.

That sounded harsh. It wasn't meant to. I speak as someone who has learned the hard way

he is your ex, and you are cross with him, and he keeps coming back and taking the piss, however, you let him back in

you bought him champagne to celebrate together

you let him in in the middle of the night

you are annoyed he makes plans that exclude you

sounsd like you are still hung up on him, and he is exploiting that

either kick him out properly, or tell him it is his final chancce to make a go of it

all these half measures and friendly gestures are pointless

be strong and stop this, you are only hurting yourself

Harsh doesn't bother me don't worry. What is harsh is the reality of my situation.

I am a really giving and kind person and I just feel I don't deserve to have been used like this. I can only blame myself for allowing myself to be.

I'm not going to pretend that I have been stalwart in my efforts to not allow him to keep coming back, but I have been a lot tougher and a lot less giving of self.

I bought the Champagne for him to have with whoever he wanted. It's been stressful, he deserved the gift in a lot of ways. I just can't believe he ingratitude was significant enough that he couldn't be arsed to come and see me on the day of judgement, not even to say thanks face to face. Instead I am fobbed off with a lousy hungover lunch, my kids in tow.

Like Solid says, its in the actions not the words and this just shows how little regard he has for me.

Am v. angry alongside my hurt.

i don;t understand why you would buy him a gift and ecpext a visit .he is your ex, who has walked out on you , you are expecting his baby, and he walked out

buying him champagne becasue his stressful divorce has come through would not be first thing on my list to do

I'd say your exdp must find you maddening. first helping out then saying you want nothing to do with him. what do you want, woman.

either he is your ex and he is gone forever, no helping with divorce papers or whatever or you want him back.

no wonder you can't get rid of him.

ex means you cross the road, or feel like doing so, when he walks towards you. in my book anyway.

"am a really giving and kind person and I just feel I don't deserve to have been used like this."

well that is because people treat us the way we want them to treat us. I am giving and kind too but I put myself in the position to be walked over.

"I bought the Champagne for him to have with whoever he wanted."
but hoped it would be you?

Unfortunately you can't 'make' someone love you by being nice, helpful, generous and available. An ethical man, faced with this sort of niceness from a woman he doesn't want a couple-relationship with, will distance himself kindly but firmly: a selfish man will take advantage to the max and the minute the woman asks for anything, will act all hurt and outraged: 'But we're not a COUPLE! We're just friends! So I can have sex with everyone I fancy and make you watch, if I want to...'

I agree that you need to distance yourself from him now. Hard with a baby on the way, but it doesn't sound as if he will be a reliable father.

I hear you. I had to put some distance there because he was saying he didn't know what he wanted, not til after the divorce finished. It wasn't that he was saying one thing very clearly and I wasn't listening.

The reason I flipped is because in the first days post divorce he was not around. I think that speaks for itself more than the claimed 'confusion' about our future he spoke of verbally.

I wasn't trying to make him love me I was just trying to ride out the time until he had a clear head to make a decision.

Even as a friend I think he has treated me crappily.

I don't even think we can have a parenting friendship really.

All said though, Solid your account is probably the reality and the 'confusion' probably never really existed did it?

Wow! Sorry to hi-jack, but solid I have long-admired your advice and am going to print this,

"Unfortunately you can't 'make' someone love you by being nice, helpful, generous and available. An ethical man, faced with this sort of niceness from a woman he doesn't want a couple-relationship with, will distance himself kindly but firmly: a selfish man will take advantage to the max and the minute the woman asks for anything, will act all hurt and outraged: 'But we're not a COUPLE! We're just friends! So I can have sex with everyone I fancy and make you watch, if I want to...' "

out and stick it on my wall. SO TRUE. And I need to remember it... You too OP.