I need stories of relationship counselling to give me hope! Did it work for you?

[HangingOnTheTrubliphone]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. DS is nearly 2. We've had tough times before but nothing like this. Partly I think it's down to lack of sleep but we've really started snapping at each other, being unpleasant, not really acting like two people who love each other any more.

We do. It's not that. We want to stay together and are contemplating counselling as a way to achieve that. I think the causes are a. change in the dynamic of our relationship since DS was born (DH feeling like I have huge amounts of energy for DS but not for him), b. tired so we are unkind to each other, c. no time for each other.

Did this happen to you? How did you get back some semblance of a healthy relationship? I'm just so fed up of battling. Help

Sorry you're going through a bad patch. This happened to us to after our DS2 was born. Sleep deprivation had a huge effect, looking back I was so stressed out and not coping and feeling unsupported. Once he started sleeping through (age 4!) I got a bit of strength and energy back and went to Relate alone (my choice) but I now feel it was too late.

So my advice is go now and go together before it's too late! The 4 years of being unkind to each other and not having time for each other really took their toll on our relationship.

Perhaps not what you wanted to hear, but good luck.

You need to get your ds's sleep issues sorted out if that is what is keeping you awake at night?

Sorry to hear.

yes, this is common, I think. Lack of sleep, not sharing the work around house, man not understanding time for woman to recover, man (or woman) not getting enough sex are all common underlying issues that build up the tension after the shock of new child.

What about listening to each other's top 5 issues, without argument or interruption. Also, top 5 things "that I want to you to try to do or to consider going forward" or similar. Again, take it in turns to talk without argument or interruption or defensive explanation.

Recently, I decided not to carry over any anger to the next day; so I give a little show of affection last thing at night howvere pissed off I was during the day. Then I resolve to wake up with the slate wiped clean. Anger and frustration is so bad for you that if you did this even on your own, you will feel better and get better results unless your bloke is a really insensitive.

Trying to get DS back on track with sleep, but since a holiday last month he's been waking at 5am. Doing what we can - well, I am, DH thinks I'm being ridiculous with my attempts to sort it out!

Ok, how did you find Relate, Chief? What should I expect? DH has suggested them already.

Relate were great, I had a lovely female counsellor, about my age with a lot in common, so it couldn't have been better - it just felt like chatting to a friend. She was really supportive and helped me weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. In the end I decided to stay, for now, but knowing that it was my choice to stay and what the benefits were for me and DCs really helped.

I was able to offload a lot of anger and resentment that I'd built up towards DH just in the first 2 or 3 sessions, which was surprising really and I haven't felt angry since.

But I went alone, so it would be a bit different going as a couple. Hope that helps.

Thanks all. Thanks Toughdaddy, that's a nice idea. I will suggest to DH that we try it.

I would like to know this too, in a similar situation but with 2DS (another nonsleeper here though).

We had a huge blow-out over the weekend but seem ok again now, so I'm putting off making an appointment because everything seems ok again.

Am thinking maybe we should go for it before it is too late too?

Would love to hear more stories or advice about what to expect/prepare [swot emoticon]!

I went to relate with my ex (no kids involved) years ago, we went for a few months and stayed together for about 6 months longer before splitting. I didn't like it, there was (imo) far too many questions about our parents and our relationship with them growing up and hardly any discussion about our relationship and the issues in it. Wasn't what either of us expected or wanted. Doubt that is helpful to you!

On the other hand I do have a 2 year old! Dh and I were a couple that never argued. No exaggeration at all. And since ds was born I have had great stretches of time of actually thinking dh was a total idiot. I would say poor dh but I suspect the feeling has been mutual .

We have also identified the same causes as you and suffer from lack of sleep - ds went from 5am wakings to coming into our bed which he now does everynight anytime from 11pm onwards.

I think what has helped us is actually making a conscious effort to ACT as though we love each other! which of course we do but like you said, you slip into taking it out on each other instead of looking at your dh as a good mate who's had a rotten day, maybe worse than yours, and could do with some love and attention and sympathy.

We also divvy up days in the week to do our own thing. Dh goes to play his music mon & wed and I go to the gym (and then out with friends if I want) on tue & thurs. Weekends are for either going out with friends (separately) or having a date night together. This last is a bit harder as we are currently without a babysitter but even making a nice meal at home and actually sitting down at the table with a bottle of wine makes a difference for us.

Bloody hard though isn't it??! Good luck.

DH and I have been together for about 15 years too (married for almost 4) and are in a similar situation; DS2 who is nearly 2yo has been a truly awful sleeper and has only just started sleeping through until 5am (most nights anyway). The sleep deprivation has been a killer for both DH and myself; I am still tied to bf DS2 in the mornings and evenings so am restricted in eve activities - like swimming etc that I used to do. I haven't felt able to seriously look at returning to work/study either because he is so clingy and I'm so damn tired all the time. The financial situation has taken its toll on us too. DH harbours resentment that I don't help with bringing in any money and suggested that I feel guilty for not pulling my weight

We are mean to each other all the time... We are also thinking about relate. It would be good to hear other peoples experiences of it.

I can't praise relate highly enough - we used them to help us rebuild our relationship after an affair and they were just excellent.

I imagine they have a lot of experience dealing with the scenario you describe - in fact I think there's a Relate book on how to survive your first child as a couple, you could maybe check that out first.

That's really interesting - both that there's a book about this very subject, and that so many of us are going through the same thing. Sorry to hear about all your experiences, sorry for you, quite helpful to me to hear we are not alone.

Ok, will look up the book, and start looking up local Relate info.

Thanks.

I think that sometimes people blame each other for the thing9s) that they are missing. Might be worth trying to give each other whatever "the thing is that you are both missing/need". So if it is sleep for you then he can look after baby for x hours whilst you sleep twice a week. And if he needs to go for a run then you reciprocate.