Was I naive in thinking that ending the realtionship would mean an end to all the arguments?

[Supercherry]

I asked XP to leave on Wednesday. Constant arguments, him being verbally nasty and abusive and punching a hole in the door etc. I have asked him as nicely as possible about 3 times since for the bill money he owes me. Have been avoiding speaking to him.

I arranged for him to have DS today, all day, via MIL. I was hoping (living in fantasy land) that he just might have given me the money this morning but he said he would give it me later whe he dropped DS off. He still hasn't given it to me.

When he brought DS into the house he spotted my new phone on the work top and went ballistic over me being able to afford it. He was storming out the house when I explained it was a contract phone so free and only £15 a month. My other phone had been broken for 2mths. I really need a phone because I'm pregnant and have a toddler- what if I broke down somewhere? He wouldn't accept this. I know I'm wasting my breath because he is impossible to reason with which is why we have split up. Why do I bother?

He is always saying I'm all money which is a load of bull, I need some money in order to be able to eat like everyone else. I'm not a big spender, most my money goes on DS.

Then he started ranting he couldn't give a shit if I eat or not, he hates being in the same room as me, blah blah.

I seriously feel like cutting all contact but can't because of DS. I had let my guard down because earier he'd phoned and said he really wasn't happy with the situation, as in us being apart so I thought he would be reasonable for once.

He did just phone and apologise but it was all over nothing, I am trying my best to be the grown up here, but it's proving more difficult than I thought.

Not sure there is any advice to be given here but just wanted a rant. Now I feel better .

In answer to the question in the title, unfortunately, yes, you were being naive if you thought splitting up would be the end to the arguments.

But you're not alone, I think a lot of us think that! I was going to have an amicable divorce, and a few months later ended up screaming 'C*NT!' at the top of my lungs while kicking XH in the shins as he was shoving me out the door (after he'd ripped up house sale papers and thrown them in my face).

Try to have as little contact as possible. You may have to cut your losses with the bill money, would advise if you need child support from him you ought to research that and apply ASAP rather than depending on him doing the right thing. Can't be of much help in that area as I don't have kids yet, but I'm sure the people in the Lone Parents section have helpful experience. Good luck.

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I remember a while after I split with XP we still had the same arguments as before and it was really difficult. I am now two years on and for the most part we get on ok. We are used to the way it is now and he even tells me about his women problems. I remember feeling the same as you, really trapped because I was going to have to stay involved with this man for DDs sake but it has got easier.

How do I stop engaging with him? Why do I still feel the need to justify myself to him?

There is no point justifying yourself to someone like this because he doesn't WANT to understand.

A reasonable person would have listened to what you said about the phone and accepted your need for it and how you came to have it.

It may be that he is upset about the break up etc but I assume that he is always like this, otherwise you would still be with him. He sounds emotionally abusive actually. Have you looked at the emotional abuse thread or the Red Flag List thread and seen if any of his behaviours ring a bell for you.

To stop engaging when he start his nonsense just keep saying to yourself "there is no point in explaining myself to this person, because he does NOT want to understand me or be reasonable with me and I cannot force him". Believe me I know how hard it is to do.

The arguments will become less, but probably only after a fair bit of time has elapsed...I think that is fairly normal for breaking up couples. They might even get worse before they get better.

In the meantime you will probably come to feel better at some stage that although you still have rows, you don't live together and so they will start to affect your life less and less. You can choose whether to answer the phone to him or to politely say: 'I am putting the phone down now beceause I no longer have to listen to this.' Now you are no longer together you will be able to take control of the situation in a way that you couldn't when you were together.

You might have to forget about money he owes you though...sometimes - probably forever - you will have to decide which battles are worth it.

Do not justify yourself. Your stock line can now be: 'What I do has absolutely nothing to do with you any more. Godbye.'

Thank you for the replies. I was so hoping that there would be no more stress for the rest of my pregnancy but it seems that is unlikely.

I think he is upset at breaking up but yes, Springfleurs he was always impossible to reason with anyway.

I have not given him my new mobile number so I am trying to minimise contact. It's always him who phones me.

It's almost as if the more civil and reasonable I am the more pissed off he's becoming. I think he wants me to react. You would think that he would just lay off.

It was a nightmare getting DS to sleep last night, I doubt he'd had his routine stuck to. I'm not rigid or anything but I don't like him to nap after 2pm because otherwise it's 9pm or later when he finally goes to sleep. XP knew I wanted to watch something on TV at 8pm so he'd agreed to get DS to sleep and bring him back at 7.30 but he bought him back at 8pm wide awake so I missed my programme too. I know it sounds like I'm being really petty here but XP is leading the single life and going up the pub while I'm taking care of DS and staying in and going to bed early and it was the only thing I was looking forward to all bloody week. Guess I'd better get used to it.